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To refuse to go to inlaws for xmas again?

(199 Posts)
pink4ever Sat 20-Aug-11 18:38:16

So am I bu?
We have lived in our current home for the last 9 years and have never once spent xmas day here. When we moved in pre dcs dh instisted he wanted to spend xmas with his parents as he didnt want them to spend xmas alone. I would have preferred to have xmas as a couple but agreed to this on the proviso I went to my mums.

Fast forward a few years-we have dcs and I again suggest we stay at home for xmas. Dh uses same line of not wanting parents to be lonely so we agree to do one year his mums/one year my mums.

Fast forward another couple of years-I have a falling out with my mum. We no longer spend xmas there. Dh thinks this means the default position is we gp to his parents. This is what we have done for the past 3 xmas.

I hate it. We have no time to enjoy xmas. After dcs get up,open presents and we tidy up,it is time to leave. Kids dont get time to play with their new stuff. We have to spend the night as pil live about 15 miles away,I dont drive and dh refuses to not have an xmas drinkangry

Mil is a terrible cook(no I dont offer to help-we are their guests and I dont want to be there) and a boring and maudlin drunk.

This year I am determined that I will spend xmas in my own home. Have told dh this but he thinks I am bluffing.

Btw-pil would not be alone every xmas-bil/sil also do the alternate year thing. Also they have recently bought a new home and I predict that they will say they want to stay at home-leaving us to pick up the slack.

Am I bu?

fifitrixibellesmith Sat 20-Aug-11 18:42:01

why dont you invite all parents to yours

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 20-Aug-11 18:42:52

YANBU, but as a compromise could you have PIL over to yours for dinner?

fifitrixibellesmith Sat 20-Aug-11 18:43:00

we always used to go to my parents for christmas, luckily inlaws lived abroad anyway. Now my dad is dead, all the family come to me. Its lovely, i love having people around for dinner

G1nger Sat 20-Aug-11 18:43:01

My in-laws don't live in the UK, so we don't spend xmas with them. The best decision I ever made was to stop going to spend xmas with my own parents - but I was lucky in that I had a good excuse to get out of it. It'd be very difficult for your partner to tell his parents that you don't wish to spend xmas with them.

But it is sooo lovely just doing your own thing and not going to someone else's dull and pointless (I'm thinking of my own parents' idea of xmas) day.

You're not being unreasonable, no. But getting your partner to act on your wishes is going to be difficult.

Can you invite the in-laws to stay with you this year, and conspire to make it rather unenjoyable by their standards?

Moodykat Sat 20-Aug-11 18:43:50

We also had all parents to us last year, it was lovely and much better than the effort of going there!

ShoutyHamster Sat 20-Aug-11 18:43:54

Don't give in.

Invite them to yours?

Or tell your DH he goes there alone!

LydiaWickham Sat 20-Aug-11 18:44:34

YANBU - but I'd tell DH if he goes, he goes alone. Make it clear you won't go, but could the compromise be that you invite your PIL to you? If they decide they don't want to come, it's then their choice to spend Christmas alone (alone as a couple, so not actually alone).

Get your invite to them in first though, suggest making it about now. You might want to additionally sell it to DH that his mum deserves a year off cooking.

worraliberty Sat 20-Aug-11 18:45:53

I don't understand why you don't invite them to yours either

Or the bit about you not helping to cook because you're a guest?

pink4ever Sat 20-Aug-11 18:46:23

Did you read the post? I am currently estranged from my mum. Also I dont want to spend every xmas with my inlaws-as I have done for the past few years. I would like to have xmas in my own home with just my dh and my dcs.

Also we live in a very small house-there is no where for them to eat(would be dinner on lap) or nowhere to sleep and they wouldnt want to shell out for taxis as they are quite frankly the meanest people I know.

If and when we get a bigger house I would probably invite them every 2nd year(alternating with bil) as this seems like a nice compromise.

G1nger Sat 20-Aug-11 18:47:39

Come one, eating their dinner of their laps would be ideal in terms of making them not like the day very much.

DogsBestFriend Sat 20-Aug-11 18:47:43

"Mil is a terrible cook(no I dont offer to help-we are their guests and I dont want to be there"

hmm

I don't think that you are being unreasonable but I do think that you could display a little more courtesy when you do visit the PIL. "We are their guests and I don't want to be there" is childish and rude - you chose to be there, no-one forced you at gunpoint. Not wanting to be somewhere you chose to be does not give you carte blanche to criticise your host's efforts whilst you sit on your arse and do nothing.

pink4ever Sat 20-Aug-11 18:48:48

worra-the reason I dont help is because when we go there for dinner every sunday I always help set/clear the table while dh/bil are sat on there fat arses doing nowt! Mil thinks this is perfectly acceptable. Therefore I think it is acceptable to do nowt at xmas.

AurraSing Sat 20-Aug-11 18:49:52

Yanbu, could you come up with some sort of compromise.
This is why I dislike Christmas so much. The food and presents part is great- it's the family that spoil it.

worraliberty Sat 20-Aug-11 18:50:24

You think it's acceptable to sit on your arse with your DH and PIL and leave everything up to your MIL?

How does that make it right?

lifechanger Sat 20-Aug-11 18:50:33

Good grief, I'd just let DH get on with whatever he wants to and hunker down to a lovely peaceful day with my children. P.S. not being able to wait until he gets home to have a drink is a bit pants. Only 15 miles away and having to stay the night? My ex was like that. Learn to drive woman!

pink4ever Sat 20-Aug-11 18:53:00

worra-my dh sits on his fat arse and does nothing and its his mother! when we got there for dinner *every sunday*<yes I am labouring the point>-I do help out. But I dont see why I should at xmas when she doesnt expect her own son to do it.

MrsRobertDuvall Sat 20-Aug-11 18:53:27

Just stay at home and visit on Boxing Day.
Put your foot down with dh and tell him how miserable it makes you feel.
Tell them now so they know well in advance.

LydiaWickham Sat 20-Aug-11 18:54:14

so if you spend christmas at home, where will you eat? or will it be food on your laps for everyone? You surely can squeeze another couple round your table - ask them to bring emergency chairs (and you've got months to pop to Ikea and pick up a couple of cheap folding chairs)

They don't need to stay over (that's not that far, if they accept the invite they must know you don't have space for them to sleep), and they might say no. But then it won't be you refusing to see them, it'll be them refusing to go to you, you will eat better food, the day will be more relaxed as you won't have to travel anywhere, and you can dilute them by arranging for other people to come over in the evening (BIL & SIL?).

Just because you don't like your mother, doesn't mean your DH shouldn't like his. How would you feel in 20 years time if your DCs didn't see you over Christmas, not because they didn't want to, not because they had other plans, not because they were at their ILs, but because their partner told them they couldn't?

DogsBestFriend Sat 20-Aug-11 18:54:29

"I always help set/clear the table while dh/bil are sat on there fat arses doing nowt! Mil thinks this is perfectly acceptable."

So why haven't YOU challenged YOUR husband about it? Your BIL as well?

That division of labour according to sex was practised in my Grandparents house - we women and girls washed up, men sat and discussed politics. I challenged it with my Grandad and Uncles... and I was 14 at the time!

If I can do it at 13 with my Grandad and Uncles I'm damn sure you can pull your DH about it. That your MIL thinks it acceptable is irrelevant.

The way I see it, although I agree with you and wouldn't go to PILs annually either, is that you're looking for excuses and faults to justify your decisions and frankly that just makes you sound spiteful and immature.

HattiFattner Sat 20-Aug-11 18:55:18

we spend xmas eve and xmas morning at home. Then either the PIL come here or we go there about 1:30pm. The great thing about Christmas with kids is spending christmas morning with them in their jammies opening presents. The food is secondary.

Id recommend this as a compromise - you get time with your family, he gets to see family on Christmas day. Suggest you start the tradition with them coming over to you.

Id also speak to your SIL about it - maybe present a united front about inlaws and Christmas. Certainly with my PILs, and SIL (my parents live abroad) - one year we all go to PILS, one year PIL come here , the following year they go to SILs . SO we do one in three, and have one in three by ourselves. If you offer to do the first one...

fedupofnamechanging Sat 20-Aug-11 18:55:36

YANBU at all. Last year for the first time ever, we had Christmas dinner in our own home and our parents came over in the afternoon for a few hours. My parents live in the same town as me, so am lucky we could do this without needing to have everyone stay over.

I actually think your dh is being very selfish and not considering your feelings at all. hell would freeze over before I agreed to spend every Christmas with my IL's.

Tell him now that you are not going and are deadly serious about this and won't cave at the last minute. There comes a point when you have to create your own family traditions and husbands and wives have to put each others wishes above what their parents want. you have done more than your share of IL Christmases - now it is your turn.

pink4ever Sat 20-Aug-11 18:56:01

robertduvall-I have tried to tell dh how I feel but he just makes me feel guilty by saying that his parents will be all alone(they wont-they have each other and are more than welcome to come and visit us on xmas day)
Should also add that when we used to go to my mums my dh would make it clear he was there under sufferance,would be miserable as sin and would get us uo at the crack of dawn so we could go homeangry

worraliberty Sat 20-Aug-11 18:56:26

So you sit on your fat arse too and let her do it all? Then on top of that, you sound so ungrateful about it.

Honestly, it's 1 day/night out of a year. You could easily have being alternating between your home and theirs. If they have to sit and eat off their laps, so be it. Putting them up for one night or paying for a taxi home would have been a decent gesture for someone who gives up every Christmas day to make sure you all have your Xmas dinner.

lifechanger Sat 20-Aug-11 18:56:27

Why should she go there EVERY YEAR?

Who writes these stupid rules?

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