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to not tell my sister what her teenage kids are up to?

(62 Posts)
smithereenies Fri 19-Aug-11 10:06:34

I'm the mum of small children but have teenage newphews and nieces - I know that my niece's boyfriend was smoking dope at her 17th birthday party as I smelled and saw it and my 14 yo nephew's fb profile shows him with a can of beer. My ds is a bit concerned about her dd's relationship with her bf due to his sometimes irrational and very emotional behaviour - and I said maybe he smokes dope and she said she really hoped not - i then asked if she thought her ds drank and again she said she hopes not....I asked if he is on fb and she said she thought so - in other words I was trying to draw her attention to it without explicitly spelling it out.
Should I tell her? I haven't and I'd feel like a bit of a snitch but then again I only have very young dcs so don't have her perspective yet.....any parents of teenagers might be able to advise please?

Corvax Fri 19-Aug-11 10:08:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doodlez Fri 19-Aug-11 10:09:18

I'd tell.

Rowena8482 Fri 19-Aug-11 10:10:49

If it was the other way round, and they were your teens/her neice nephew, would you want her to tell you?

pictish Fri 19-Aug-11 10:11:20

I wouldn't say anything.

Plonker Fri 19-Aug-11 10:11:44

I'd want to know if it were my children, so yes, I would tell.

smithereenies Fri 19-Aug-11 10:16:06

rowena - i really don't know, I find it hard to imagine having teenagers.
I was much wilder than she was as a teenager and while it turned out ok I did waste a couple of years being stoned.
I think she is a great parent and her dcs are no big 'trouble' to her. I know she has talked to her ds about drinking. He is just turning 15 if that makes any difference..

gorionine Fri 19-Aug-11 10:16:17

I would tell, especially about the younger one. If nothing is done thing will probably only go worse. My Dcs sill a bit younger than them OP, but I would like to know if I had not spotted the problem myself.

naughtaless Fri 19-Aug-11 10:17:29

What would you like her to do if the situation was reversed?
I would tell her, but be prepared to be bollocked. Lets face it, we all think our kids are perfect.

usualsuspect Fri 19-Aug-11 10:19:06

I wouldn't say anything

smithereenies Fri 19-Aug-11 10:23:32

pictish - why would you not say anything?
I suppose if the roles were reversed I might like to know but I do think it can be difficult to fully know what teens are up to so now that she has had a talk with him about drinking maybe I should leave it...
She is a total perfectionist which also makes me reluctant to broach the topic - but tbh my nephew is a bit foolish to be holding a beer in his fb profile pic! maybe i should just tell her to look at it and she can take it from there...

Fluter Fri 19-Aug-11 10:28:45

I have my 15 year old niece as a friend on FB. I'm not really in regular contact with her mother (neither is my brother, her bio-father, but that's another story), and I have no idea how much her FB is monitored.

I think if I was in the same position I'd start off by having a quiet word with the teenager in question - esp the 17 year old - they're almost an adult, so why not have an adult conversation with them?

pictish Fri 19-Aug-11 10:29:29

Erm....I suppose because it sounds like normal teen behaviour to me overall, and because I dislike shit stirring meddling.

smithereenies Fri 19-Aug-11 10:31:45

thanks fluter - I think I'd feel a bit icky having a word with them w/o their mum knowing - it would seem deceitful or something... We aren't friends on fb, his profile popped up as we had a mutual friend. Aargh still not sure aibu to not tell her.....maybe more heavy hints about the younger one!

smithereenies Fri 19-Aug-11 10:33:24

pictish - yes, ok, that's what I thought but not having teens I wasn't sure. I am adverse to meddling...I'm assuming there's no way of knowing everything they do and in a way they have to make their own mistakes a little bit to learn and move on...but as I said I don't have the full perspective of being a mother of a teen...

DraculasMum Fri 19-Aug-11 10:37:46

I would tell her.

If something happened to one of her dc as a result of their drinking or being involved with drugs and she knew you hadn't said anything. She would never forgive you and you wouldn't forgive yourself.

Its not about shit stirring or meddling, it is about protecting them from harm.

DraculasMum Fri 19-Aug-11 10:37:46

I would tell her.

If something happened to one of her dc as a result of their drinking or being involved with drugs and she knew you hadn't said anything. She would never forgive you and you wouldn't forgive yourself.

Its not about shit stirring or meddling, it is about protecting them from harm.

AuntieMonica Fri 19-Aug-11 10:39:41

i would keep schtum too

being the 1st one of my siblings to have had teenage kids, the endless 'helpful' comments from family members come across as snidey and judgey.

and 90% of the time were unfounded and out of context.

the remaining 10% was old news and no-one ever offered help, just thought it was 'their duty' to point it out.

MrsKwazii Fri 19-Aug-11 10:41:05

I would tell her too. You wouldn't be snitching, you'd be looking out for them.

festi Fri 19-Aug-11 10:44:03

I would if you are close enough to your sister to, I once told my sister about something she didnt know about her stepson I had found out about on fb and she didnt bat an eyelid at the fact I had told her, she was greatfull and didnt see it as medling or trouble making. infact as he had defriended her on FB she used my account to monitor his.

lisad123 Fri 19-Aug-11 10:45:17

your not their friend your their aunt, sorry snitching??? how are are you?
They are children, they are doign stuff that would be a of concern to any parent, let alone ones so young.
Go and tell your sister, and let her sort it out.

squeakytoy Fri 19-Aug-11 10:45:17

I would tell her, and as the stepmother of three myself, who were once teens, I would have appreciated someone telling me if they thought my stepchildren were possibly putting themselves at risk.

I think it is very naive of a mother to not be keeping a regular eye on their teens facebook page in this day and age. Yes, kids deserve some privacy, but as a parent you should do your best to know what they are up to, and keep a subtle watch.

festi Fri 19-Aug-11 10:45:37

I think having a word with the kid without the parent knowing would be overstepping the mark to be honest

pictish Fri 19-Aug-11 10:46:19

Thank goodness for you Auntie Monica

Look - pretty much ALL teens have a go on the old drugs and alcohol ride for a while. Most survive it without a scratch.

As for "If something happened to one of her dc as a result of their drinking or being involved with drugs and she knew you hadn't said anything. She would never forgive you and you wouldn't forgive yourself"

A touch of the melodrama there DraculasMum?? hmm

"she would never forgive you"? Nonsense.

squeakytoy Fri 19-Aug-11 10:49:29

Pictish, I agree that almost all teens will have a dabble.. but it does no harm as a parent to be aware of what they are doing.

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