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Argument with my mum last night...

(41 Posts)
MetalSian Fri 19-Aug-11 09:30:04

I had a massive argument with my mum last night.
And my dad has just rang me this morning to say I need to either call her or text her to 'offer an olive branch' he said.

She is generally a bit of a cow.
She doesn't really love my dad, you never see her giving any signs of affection.
Last night he said I love you to her, and she just looked at him as though he was mad.
So I asked why do you never say it back, her reply was, You don't need to say these things all the time.

My DS is 2, and she went into the toilet and he opened the door, so she said shut the door. My dad stupidly maybe, did the same thing as DS as a joke and she pretty much exploded.

Starting shouting and screaming, calling my dad names.
I asked her to calm down, all this time she is still in the toilet behind the door.
She said, 'You wonder why I don't say I love you to your dad, its because most of the time I fucking don't.'
I was very calm, didn't shout but explained to her she should leave if she feels like that.
And she says she can't leave.

She kept going on and on, and normally everyone backs down and leaves her to shout and get angry but this time I didn't.
She said to me she would remember this, that she hasn't forgotten how me and DP moved out of their house in a 'strop' when she had called us both useless when I had a child under a month old.

In the end I just left it at that, and she went off to do her horses on her own, still ranting and raving.

She really annoyed me as everything in her life is so bad to her, my dad does nothing but love her and she seems to hate him for it.
She can go from being fine and lovely to an exploding bomb within seconds.
She has fallen off horses twice really badly and hit her head, my dad seems to think it was the second hit that turned her into this monster.

So my dad rang this morning to say she was in state, upset and slept in the spare room.
And that I need to talk to her, not apologize but to hold out an olive branch, in his words.

I don't know what to say to her?
Was IBU to have argued with her?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 19-Aug-11 09:32:52

No. You weren't. And you will do her no favours by pandering to her.

Eglu Fri 19-Aug-11 09:37:01

I think she should be the one to hold out an olive branch. Your Dad clearly wants the quiet life, but there is no reason you should pander to her behaviour.

rhondajean Fri 19-Aug-11 09:39:28

Head injuries can change people's personalities. Its not something I know much about but perhaps you could have a look and see what you can find out and if there are any suggestions as to how you can deal with it?

It might explain her over-reactions.

She must have at some point treated him well for him to be so devoted to her. I would imagine? I dont think you were BU to point out her behaviour was unacceptable though.

Gonzo33 Fri 19-Aug-11 09:42:38

My Mum is like this too, really pees me off too. I hate the way that women like them treat their husbands/family. Why be there if you are that unhappy?

I can't advise you what to do, but if it were me I wouldn't apologise, and I'm not sure I'd offer an olive branch either. Mum and I have had some extremely frank conversations recently (helps there is 2200 miles between us currently) grin it seems to have helped, so maybe have a straight conversation instead without getting into an argument if you can.

lifechanger Fri 19-Aug-11 09:42:54

Your dad was a bit of an arse to open the door on her as a joke when she was in the toilet. Humiliating.

Having said that, the whole thing seems to have blown out of proportion.

Can you sit down with her and ask her to tell you what the matter really is? It sounds like she needs a friend right now.

cjbartlett Fri 19-Aug-11 09:47:03

I would have blown my top if my dh had opened the door when I was on the loo

MetalSian Fri 19-Aug-11 09:50:15

The problem is she won't talk to anyone.
She seems to have serious problems but will never let anyone in.

And I agree that my dad shouldn't have done it but she quite literally exploded.

I don't want to not talk to her and fall out with her but everything seems to be either her way or no way.

I mean my dad said to her yesterday that me and her looked very alike sometimes, and her response was, I don't think so I don't have spots. (I have the implant and it at times makes my face really spotty =[!).
She says things that hurt other people with no regard for their feelings, yet when someone tries to talk to her you get a bloody brick wall.


lifechanger Fri 19-Aug-11 09:52:51

Ah, let her know you're there for her if she wants to talk, but otherwise you're going to give her a wide berth because her bahaviour is too destructive. Tell her you love her anyway but she needs to sort herself out.

And agree with her that your dad was an arse.

Thruaglassdarkly Fri 19-Aug-11 09:56:03

I'm not sure you should've taken sides tbh. She sounds very depressed to me and in need of some support, not your judgement. I think there's more to her unhappiness than her just being a bit of a "cow" and it's not a matter of you not "pandering" to her.
In your shoes, I'd give her a ring, suggest we go for coffee somewhere and try to get to the bottom of this, whilst offering her my unconditional love and support. Would have a quiet chat with my dad too, saying the same thing to him. It sounds like there are some pretty big problems there. You're an adult now, not a child. You need to be there for them both. (Sorry - have had a LOT of experience all my life with bad relationships between parents, so I'm not talking out my arse here).

tethersend Fri 19-Aug-11 09:57:32

Actually, I feel a bit sad for your mum. She sounds like she feels really trapped.

Perhaps she doesn't love your dad?

Thruaglassdarkly Fri 19-Aug-11 09:58:33

Sorry - x post. She does sound pretty unreasonable in that case (from your last post OP). Perhaps there are medical issues going on here. Could you get some advice from a mental health charity?

Doodlez Fri 19-Aug-11 09:58:59

To me, it doesn't sound like the problem is between you and her. It sounds like her and your Dad need to do some olive branch exchanging and sort their life out together. Just from your OP and subsequent post, the issues lie within the marriage - you're being used as the fall-guy here and your Dad is a bit out of order asking you to make the first move in a situation he created.

Animation Fri 19-Aug-11 09:59:48

Give her a wide birth and let them sort themselves out. Not your responsibility. You've got enough on with your 2 year old.

MetalSian Fri 19-Aug-11 09:59:50

I suggested to my dad last night that she might be depressed and he thought I was being ridiculous.

She is one of these people that has to show she can do everything herself and not accept help, I don't know as though I am going to be able to break down that barrier.

diddl Fri 19-Aug-11 10:02:29

In some ways it sounds as if you favour your dad & he can do no wrong.

She overreacted, but what an odd thing for him to do.

Maybe she feels that you just pick at her all the time & that was the proverbial straw.

MetalSian Fri 19-Aug-11 10:10:16

I think I have been favoring my dad and maybe she sees this and it pisses her off.
My reason for doing so has been the way she has treated him.
Then again I haven't lived there for nearly 2 years now, but my brother is still there and says she is still like it.

I understand I have been unreasonable doing so and I think she does have some major problems.
Will let her know I am here to help if and when she needs me =/.

Maiavan Fri 19-Aug-11 10:14:39

I would be very wary to judge someone elses relationship - even my parents. It does seem mean that she doesnt say it back but then your Dad did behave badly. Nobody (not even you OP) have lived their relationship. Whats happened, whats gone on behind the scenes, how they handled it internally.

Acekicker Fri 19-Aug-11 10:18:01

If you think that the head injuries have affected her, you could do a lot worse than talk to Headway...

diddl Fri 19-Aug-11 10:20:12

But the way she treats him is between them.

Perhaps she doesn´t love him or, like she says, doesn´t feel the need to say it back-especially when other people are there.

I always need that my parents loved each other, but if they had said it in front of me as an adult I woul dhave found it odd tbh.

Was your dad trying to put her on the spot/force her to say it back because you were there?

diddl Fri 19-Aug-11 10:20:31


MumblingRagDoll Fri 19-Aug-11 10:22:25

How old is she? Could be menopause? I freak out at times...I don't think it's your business why she doesn't respond when your Dad says i love's sounds like she and he have their own private issues to me.

MetalSian Fri 19-Aug-11 10:22:57

I quite honestly believe she doesn't love him.
But why she won't leave him I don't know.

I think she hates life, and brings other people down to help her deal with that.

MetalSian Fri 19-Aug-11 10:25:57

She is 42, and head injuries can apparently bring menopause forwards, but as soon as you suggest it to her she gets angry and says it isn't.

And yes I think they do have issues, which are made out to seem to be her.
I will just offer her my support, and let her know I am here if she needs me.

MetalSian Fri 19-Aug-11 10:35:39

Sounds okay?:
'Hello. If you want to come and talk to me today you are welcome. I love you and I think that there are more problems at the moment than you are happy to admit. I don't agree with what dad did yesterday but I also didn't agree with your reaction. I am here to support you and for you to talk to rather than always dealing with things on your own or ignoring them. Love you. MetalSian.'

My only worry is if I ever say I love you to her before she gets all weird =/.
Asking me why I said it or need to say it.

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