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to be pressured into using a bad child-minder?

(17 Posts)
FedUpandPissedOff Thu 18-Aug-11 20:50:29

Hands up. Name changer here.

Right. Family member is offended I won't let them babysit my kids. Why won't I let them? Because I don't trust them. Why don't I trust them? Because their parenting style is...shall we say, 'hands-off' as in.... kids doing their own thing (under 5's) while said family member is on computer, reading books, texting, etc. There is a lot more to it but basically, I don't agree with their parenting style and I don't feel comfortable leaving my kids alone with this person.

Time and again I keep hearing other family members say how hurt this person is over it. (Mind you I made recipricol babysitting offers and have never been taking up on it yet).

AIBU to think this family member needs to grow a thicker skin and realise that the world doesn't revolve around their hurt feelings and that as a parent to my kids, I have every right to do as I see fit for them?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Thu 18-Aug-11 20:56:46

Have you told them exactly why you don't wan them to babysit?

Why do they want to babysit if they won't interact with the children anyway?

Or is it that they will, but they just won't be on top of them all the time?

Do they never interact? Or do they balance? Play with the children and let them do their own thing?

Just tell everyone why you have made this choice. At least then they'll stop asking.

DraculasMum Thu 18-Aug-11 20:57:35

Is this family member a registered childminder?

rhondajean Thu 18-Aug-11 20:59:25

YANBU, Ive said it before on here and Ill say it again, your primary role as a parent is to make sure your children are safe, not to avoid offending some adult.

Very close family member of mines is never allowed to babysit, we are a repressed bunch and its never been discussed, but for reason that I cannot trust my children to be safe with them.

YouDoTheMath Thu 18-Aug-11 21:01:30

Stuff how this person feels - sorry but if YOU don't feel comfortable about with a certain person looking after your child, they don't.

I can't stand that unwritten "obligation" because someone happens to be a family member or friend. It's entirely your decision.

I had a friend offer to mind mine because she wasn't going back to work - even though she'd confessed to me that she has serous anger management issues, so for me it was a no go.

YouDoTheMath Thu 18-Aug-11 21:02:42

Sorry first para reads oddly, but you know what I mean!

FedUpandPissedOff Thu 18-Aug-11 21:07:00

It has been made known to other family members what our position on this is. We keep hearing about it from them, not from the offended person. They are getting fed up hearing it and so are we.
I don't feel this person balances the play/supervise role. (not to my satisfaction at least. Different parenting sytles come into play here)
This person is not a childminder.
One thing to note is that the whole family walks on eggshells around this person. They can be hypersensitive to criticism. Hence why other family member are hearing about it and not us. Were this person come to us directly and ask why we are not using their offered services, I would have no problem telling them exactly what I am writing on here. But other family member are doing their best to avoid said situation for the fear of hurt feelings!

AngelDelightIsIndeedDelightful Thu 18-Aug-11 21:08:23

YANBU in any way shape or form. You'd hardly enjoy yourself when out if your dc were with someone you don't trust!

Pamplemoussse Thu 18-Aug-11 21:08:30

do you mean baby sit or actually childmind?

I ask because babysitting could be got round by arranging the evening out around after bed-time

pigletmania Thu 18-Aug-11 21:12:12

YANBU at all? Your dc is your number 1 priority not some adult who should be able to deal with rejection. Would you be paying her, because if she is taking money without being a registered CM she is breaking the law anyway.

DogsBestFriend Thu 18-Aug-11 21:13:02

YANBU. If the person doesn't like it, tough! Your responsibility is to your child, not to a humpity adult.

Just keep saying no, don't give in to the pressure or you'll worry yourself sick... I know I would. If the bugger persists, then I'd tell them why! I may start out being polite about it but if they carried on I'd get the hump about being made to feel awkward and embarrassed through no fault of my own and I'd then become... ah... somewhat more blunt!

AngelDelightIsFab Thu 18-Aug-11 21:34:59

YANBU. But I think you know this already. You are a parent and as such that often comes with casualties like hurting people's feelings. Ultimately your kids are numero uno in all things, as far as I'm concerned. Other people should understand this, especially if they are parents too.

fifitrixibellesmith Thu 18-Aug-11 21:46:23

would you allow a cowboy builder to repair your roof

or someone you had heard was a bodger repair your laptop

no? why not?

WhoWhoWhoWho Fri 19-Aug-11 09:50:54

This person is not a registered childminder???

Why is she so keen to have them? It doesn't sound like she s a hands on type who enjoys getting in there, playing with the kids? Do you mean she wants you to use her as an unrgistered childminder and pay her???? confused

FedUpandPissedOff Fri 19-Aug-11 11:46:28

Sorry for the confusion...
This person would just be babysitting, no money exchanged.

I don't know why this person keeps pushing the issue TBH. I can only surmise that they feel left out or as I also suspect, they like the attention the pity card gives them. Like I said, this person is a bit precious and the rest of the family tread lightly for fear of offending (which is extremely easy with this person). I on the other hand don't give two monkey's what this person thinks or feels about how I parent. It almost feels like a power struggle?

EldritchCleavage Fri 19-Aug-11 14:58:56

Perhaps you need to tell the other family members to stop relaying all the self-pity to you.

They know why you aren't doing it, it's not going to change, you don't need to hear all the angst. By coming to you with this stuff they are helping Pity Pants to pressurise and guilt-trip you, albeit indirectly.

If the other family members want to stop hearing about it as well, they need only tell Pity Pants (i) the truth; or (ii) to talk to you about it directly.

reallytired Fri 19-Aug-11 15:07:13

"'hands-off' as in.... kids doing their own thing (under 5's) while said family member is on computer, reading books, texting, etc"

Sounds like me! lol..

Seriously my son is drama and dd is at nursery and I supposed to be job hunting.

I suppose a lot depends on the age of the child and how long they are baby sitting for. I would be fine with minimal supervision for ds who is 9 years old, but not my 2 years old.

If I was you I would not offend and avoid burning bridges. I would say that your kids prefer nusery rather than that Aunty X is a cr@p mother. Aunty X baby sitting might save your skin when your kids' school goes on strike. The broken record approach works.

Ie. repeating "Ds likes to play with his friend Y" or "DD adores nursery."

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