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to want to chuck it all in and return to New Zealand?

(24 Posts)
LolaAnn Thu 18-Aug-11 18:03:27

DH and I have been married 4 years now. I'm 24. DS is 15 months and We moved to the UK just before I found out I was pregnant with him. Originally our plan was to come here and earn some money to pay off mortgage back home. I had a hard time finding work (programmer) and ended up not working through my pregnancy. DH on the other hand landed a great job as soon as we arrived and has stayed in the same job since. Most evenings he returns home from work around 8.30pm. Spends one day each weekend at a cricket game. So my son and I see him for one day on weekends, and he sees my son a few nights a week when he returns early enough and wakes him up in the mornings.

I have absolutely, here nor did I have any friends before I arrived. DH works long hours and I was pretty bored while pregnant but coped fine. DS was born and is wonderful, made some mum friends which made me a bit less depressed! I've reached a point now though where I feel as if DH is taking everything I'm going through for granted and not sure why I'm here anymore. I'd be so happy going back to live with my parents (stayed with them for 3 months and twas wonderful) until he decided he was ready to come back to NZ and be with us. We barely have sex, he never gives me compliments or gifts or anything like that. I never, ever get a break. Which I don't mind as my son truly is very easy care but still.

I do all the washing, cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. I do it on the whole without complaining. I am messier than him but keep our house (excluding my side of the bed which is hidden from view meticulous). When I bring it up, DH will bring out a gem like "why don't you come and see me at cricket then?" I have tried to stick out a (boring) cricket game before but he is either busy scoring or busy playing so it's not like we get any "quality" time with him. Anyway. I try and get out to baby groups and the like but on the whole I miss my life back home, my friends, my family, and after being here for 2 years following DHs dreams I just want to go home. Should I do it? I'm confident I can stay faithful to him while back in NZ. I'm not sure if he would be able to do the same, but that's something I'm willing to risk and deal with later???

AppleHEAD Thu 18-Aug-11 18:13:10

My sister is a cricket widow, it's such a pain. I think you need to discuss it with him and see if you can get him to see how miserable you are. Life is too short to be this unhappy and although he is a good provider he isn't exactly father or husband of the year. Go home he isn't helping you to make a family life here. I wonder if you wouldbstill be together didn't have your son.

plupervert Thu 18-Aug-11 18:36:14

What do you want to get out of going back to NZ? Do you want to stay there, and have him follow you? Stay there for a bit and then return to the UK? Stay there and have him not follow you?

If you do choose to go back, you need to do it on the basis of a discussion with him, not with us.

It sounds as though he "gives" very little in the relationship, and I'm a bit concerned to hear you talking about faithfulness as though that is relevant, when you could be taking a step which means a proper breakup, without even acknowledging it.

Do you want to break up?

plupervert Thu 18-Aug-11 18:37:32

Basically, faithfulness is not the main issue; the issue is whether he would follow you. Sorry to be so blunt.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Thu 18-Aug-11 18:42:54

This is classic - your life has changed and his hasn't a bit. It goes on all the time and I expect if a lot of us had a NZ to hanker after then we'd also be hankering. Tell him how unhappy you are about the lack of equality in your relationship. You are not married to the house, you are married to him.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Thu 18-Aug-11 18:44:00

PS - it's not wrong to want, and nor should you need to explain needing a break.

LolaAnn Thu 18-Aug-11 19:01:26

Hi - sorry we are planning on returning to NZ after the olympics. Not sure why he decided then, I have always been pushing for earlier and when we moved here we agreed on 2 years. I should add we have had many many conversations about it where it ends up with me being the spoilt wife who has it so easy being provided for and him the hardworking one doing nothing wrong.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Thu 18-Aug-11 19:09:05

Aaaargh - I feel your pain.

What concerns me is that he would be no different wherever you are living and he has no concept of the value of what you do because it does not involve you earning money.

I don't know what to suggest other than buggering off for a weekend and leaving him to it.

DizzyKipper Thu 18-Aug-11 19:31:52

Personally I don't think you do have the better deal. Your DH sounds as though he still gets to have a life, whilst you don't. Yes some women are content to be a SAHM, looking after the kid and keeping the house tidy. But not all women are, and you obviously aren't. Being isolated from family and friends must make it that much worse - and he doesn't even recognise it.

You need to think very carefully about what is best for you and your DS, particularly when it may mean losing your DH.

LolaAnn Thu 18-Aug-11 19:39:16

Yeah DizzyKipper I think that's it. I do love love love being a SAHM but not to the extent where I'm so isolated from everyone. I'm not overly concerned about losing DH to be honest, I love him to pieces and I'm sure he knows that - I'm just so lonely and unhappy here I don't know what else to do other than go back to NZ. I was just so happy over there for the 3 months I was there (was with DH for one of them) and the only thing keeping me here is feeling bad for taking DHs son away from him.

We do have other problems like all married couples seem to have .. and I'm not that bothered about "changing him" although the thought of him being so un-involved in DS + any future childrens life does depress me a lot

pulpevert I don't want to break up, I truly don't.

hairfullofsnakes Thu 18-Aug-11 19:52:32

It must be so lonely for you! I don't blame you for
Wanting to go back - I dont have any answers but wish you the best x

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Thu 18-Aug-11 20:08:53

I was content to be a SAHM, but the deal is not that you do everything around the house and all the childcare. My "working hours" were similar to my DHs, not all day, all evening and also nights, and definitely not being sole carer for 2 or even 1 weekend day a week.

SAHMs also get to have a relationship, including sexual, with their husbands, to go out with them in the evening and for what they do to be valued.

As you say LolaAnn, your son will be missing out as well. I hope your DH wakes up in time. He has a lot to lose

microserf Thu 18-Aug-11 20:51:54

i'm a kiwi too. if you do move back to nz on your own, then it's likely your relationship wouldn't last. would you have enough support etc at home on your own? it's hard being a single mum.

that being said, your description of your life made me a bit sad. a SAHM has the right to a life of her own! also, it can be desperately lonely away from family and old friends, but meanwhile your dh is having a great time without you. i wouldn't blame you if you wanted to make the move.

Whatmeworry Thu 18-Aug-11 21:36:21

How long does the cricket season last - it must be drawing to an end now?

Of course, its just starting in NZ smile

Tigerstripes Thu 18-Aug-11 22:16:01

You need to assume that your DH would be the same anywhere and although you probably would be a lot happier in NZ re friends/family, your relationship may not improve. Therefore, if you care about your relationship surviving then perhaps you need to work on that BEFORE going home and getting distracted by everything else IYSWIM. Do you ever go out with your mum friends and leave him with your DC? Think he needs to realise how much you actually do!

notlettingthefearshow Thu 18-Aug-11 22:45:29

I would assume DH would be the same anywhere, so maybe you're just homesick and haven't settled into life here? You should have your own friends here by now - that way you can enjoy some of the independence he has. If you miss work, maybe it's worth trying to find something here. It makes a lot of difference to your self worth when you have a job you enjoy. You'd probably also meet friends that way.

It's nothing to be ashamed of if you love your own country and miss it. The main thing is that you can agree as a couple on your plan together.

Kiwiinkits Thu 18-Aug-11 22:48:18

This is a little bit of a diversion perhaps, but have you thought about putting your boy into nursery or creche for a few days a week and getting back into programming work? What is stopping you? A change is as good as a holiday... While it has its absolute joys, being with a kid all the time can be really monotonous. Especially the hours you are putting in: it's too much.

I think you need to talk to your husband. Tell him that while you are grateful for what he does for your family you are desperately homesick and you want to be home for Summer and what would he like to do.

There's heaps of work here in NZ. You'll find jobs if you come back. Good ones, too. We are desperate for all our expats to come home!

shelscrape Thu 18-Aug-11 23:04:10

Well, I've moved to NZ from the UK and having been the main earner of the family for more years than I care to remember I am now a SAHM. I have had enough of it, bored witless and need something to do! Your DH probably thinks you have a fab time pottering about all day with your DS having coffee with mates. Tell him form me, it is not like that at all when you have no family or other support around. it can be mind bendingly bloody tedious. I had planned all sorts of things I could do with my spare time .... hah, no chance!! Your DH needs to wake up and understand how much you need to see him and speak to him ... my poor DH has only recently realised that I talk to him constantly as I am starved of adult company during the day.

However, my DH has twigged that I need "me time" bless him. Hence I go running with the local harriers club twice a week and he takes DS off on trips to MOTAT and steam train clubs. My DH wasn't always so amenable though. When DS was born DH was in the reserve forces and would spend abput 3 out of 4 weekends away. it took the drip drip of "gentle" discussion about what he was missing with DS to get him to give it all up about 18 months ago. You need to keep on at your DH that he is missing being a dad ... that's what got it through to my DH in the end. I'm worried that if you just come back to NZ he will carry on as he has been in the UK as we all know what a sport mad countyr NZ is. Returning to NZ is only part of the issue I think, you need to deal with his lack of understanding about your position as a SAHM and the lack of time he spends with DS. Good luck!

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Fri 19-Aug-11 08:38:51

I don't think getting a job is a bad idea. The danger, however, is that without discussion about this, then you end up doing a job, all the housework, and all the logistics about childcare. Nothing changes, you just juggle more. It doesn't result in fundamental changes in the relationship .

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Fri 19-Aug-11 08:41:50

Just to say, I was a SAHM for 10 years, and bits of it were tedious, lonely and hard. But it does get better, but you need to feel good about what you are doing, and part of that feeling good comes from a sense that you are valued and supported - not left at home like a maid and encouraged to feel that you are "sponging"

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Fri 19-Aug-11 08:46:52

me again - I agree with shelscape's post as well - it does take some couples a while to adjust to the new status quo.

gailpottertilsleyplatt Fri 19-Aug-11 08:59:45

OP - would your DH give up the cricket if you told asked him to?

LolaAnn Fri 19-Aug-11 11:50:11

thanks everyone you are giving me lots to think on.
gailpottertilsleyplatt big NO I think there is nothing I could do or say to make him give up cricket.

gailpottertilsleyplatt Fri 19-Aug-11 23:04:43

Then I think you should go home. Would he let you take DS out of the UK?

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