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To expect to have been consulted?

(6 Posts)
CarouselLover Thu 18-Aug-11 13:34:55

DP’s mum is coming for a visit. We live in a studio flat and she is bringing his 4 young siblings with her. This means DP will be on a sofa, one of his siblings will be on the other sofa, one will be on a single blow-up bed and 2 will share our bed with his mum. And I have to stay at my DSisters for the entire visit.

This visit is something I had been encouraging as he lives very far away from his family and hardly sees them. They’ve visited once before and despite them being cramped in our tiny flat and me being at my sisters, we had a total blast. We took them out every day, made a big fuss of the kids and really enjoyed ourselves. The plan was for us to work out a time DP and I can both take off work during the summer holidays and his mum would bring the kids down for a week then.

But she booked her train tickets for a period when I may not actually be able to stay at my sisters (DSis has had to do some serious plan-juggling to accommodate) and for 10 days rather than a week like last time. She never asked us when is convenient to come and didn’t ask how long we would be able to have them for, just went ahead and booked it then told us after… We’ve both managed to get the time off luckily but it also falls over other commitments that we’ll just have to take them along to.

Its not that I don’t want them to come, but feel like its been marred by the fact that she didn’t bother to consult us when she will pretty much be taking over our home (and essentially ousting me from it!).

Am I being unreasonable to actually be really fucking pissed off by this?

Trifle Thu 18-Aug-11 13:45:07

Yes you should have been consulted.

You encourage them to visit so they are and it's upheaval all round but you welcome that. They dont oust you from your home as you go willingly and to be honest, you've got the best deal as you get to escape from all the bodies crammed into one small flat and can come and go at your leisure. You cant blame them for that as you've made that the deal when they come.

In life there are choices, either you get some/all the time off work or you dont, you either spend time with them or not, you either stay at your sister or you dont.

Next time, tell them to inform you in advance of the dates they would like to come. For now, it's too late to be 'really fucking pissed off'.

ShoutyHamster Thu 18-Aug-11 14:11:25

YANBU.

Have you pointed out to your DP that if his mother starts to respond to your generosity and friendliness by acting like an entitled, selfish, bossy person, then the goodwill currently existing will soon disappear, and you will start to dislike her?

What does he think of her actions - he should have responded with annoyance that she didn't have the courtesy to consult you, to check that the dates were ok. It's massively rude and unreasonable behaviour. Would she do that to anyone else?

Red flag there. She sounds as if she could turn out to be one the those who doesn't have a lot of respect for boundaries. And that's essential for healthy relationships, so tell your DP, and make it clear that you don't want to end up falling out with her. But - you won't be disregarded and walked over, either. Good, honest warning for the future. Expect him to act on it.

LRDTheFeministDragon Thu 18-Aug-11 14:23:42

Has she ever been to yours before? I wonder if she doesn't really realize how little space there is!

And is she maybe a bit different in her expectations of family life from you, and more used to the idea of family dropping round/people visiting siblings?

It does sound odd to me, but it also sounds as if the main issue is a total mismatch of expectations between you two. My lovely MIL, who is not from the UK and lives in a country with very different expectations about living space, would probably do something similar, not realizing that not everyone takes the idea of so many visitors and so much scrabbling around to find space as routine.

LRDTheFeministDragon Thu 18-Aug-11 14:24:39

Oops, just seen they have visited before. Ignore that bit of my post! blush

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Aug-11 14:29:24

Why are you staying at your sister's exactly?.... Isn't it your home?

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