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To think this mum should not put all the blame on my DD

(108 Posts)
twoteens Thu 18-Aug-11 11:08:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogsBestFriend Thu 18-Aug-11 11:14:31

I didn't get past the part where you said that two girls of that age are going to house parties and staying out overnight when you don't know the partyholder's parents.

joric Thu 18-Aug-11 11:15:09

This woman was out if order to come round with her friend in tow (WTF?!)
YANBU to be annoyed with her approach as it was clearly intimidating.
Your DD was very wrong and needs to understand that for her part she has embarrassed you and lied.
Forget about this womanand explain to DD that you are now going to have to watch carefully when arrangements are made.

joric Thu 18-Aug-11 11:16:20

Dogsbestfriend. They are 14.. OP knows where they are.

joric Thu 18-Aug-11 11:17:38

At 14 my parents knew very few of my school friend's parents.

bemybebe Thu 18-Aug-11 11:19:13

agree with DBF

usualsuspect Thu 18-Aug-11 11:23:01

I know hardly any of my teenage sons friends parents

OP yanbu ...both girls lied, its not all your DDS fault

DogsBestFriend Thu 18-Aug-11 11:24:55

Different approaches, each to their own. smile I know the traumas of dealing with 2 girls of that age all too well. <<rolls eyes>> I'd want to know how responsible the partyholder's parents were before my girls went partying and staying overnight.

A friend's DD, aged 15, went to such a party over the hols. Nice, standard, well to do people, as is the girl who held the party.

The friend's parents discovered that their DD had got so pissed she'd had unprotected sex with some boy there and was being given dope by the hosts parents!.

sillyworriedmama Thu 18-Aug-11 11:25:54

I don't think that was fair or right of them, it was obviously a knee jerk reaction to something her own DD had done. Sounds like she is v. strict if her DD has to lie to go to a party with her friends. I would imagine her DD has put a lot of effort into blaming the others to get out of the punishment coming her way... I would chalk it up to experience, let your own DD know what her boundaries are and forget about this other woman's hot air. You are not a bad parent, and your DD's are not to blame. I remember lying about a friend staying at my house when I was 15, it wasn't malicious, I just didn't understand the implications of the action. When it was explained to me, I didn't do it again and felt v. bad. It's a learning experience.

If this woman ever calls your DD again to be nasty or threatening though, I would definitely put your foot down. That is NOT acceptable. What kind of mother calls another person's child to intimidate them, no matter how upset they are? She sounds like she has very little control over her own temper. If she has a problem she should deal with it, through you, and with the common courtesy that comes with being an adult.

ragged Thu 18-Aug-11 11:25:55

my tuppence:

I don't blame the lady for bringing a friend; I suppose the mother of your DD2's friend didn't know you either, might have thought you could turn out to be a nasty piece of work, didn't want to meet you by herself if it turned out you were a complete psycho.

If I came around to complain to a stranger about her DD like that I would probably stay at the doorstep & tell my friend to merely be a presence not to interject, so it does sound like they were heavy-handed. I am having trouble following the story, but it sounds like the other girl was quite devious, too, so I can perfectly understand why you are feeling got at.

Lesson learnt I think is not to let them into your home next time, keep them on neutral ground for whatever they have to say. Get them to go thru the story quietly, slowly & at each point decide in yourself if you are going to accept or reject their version of events before you let yourself have an emotional reaction to it.

Also you have to keep tighter rein on the DDs for a while; this is not your fault. They are the ones who have violated your trust, they'll have to earn it back, now.

twoteens Thu 18-Aug-11 11:27:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogsBestFriend Thu 18-Aug-11 11:28:46

I have teenaged daughters of 14 and 16, twoteens.

Chundle Thu 18-Aug-11 11:34:37

Oh dear! I can fondly remember trying this trick (and succeeding) many a time when I was that age!! It's not the end of the world the other kids mum needs to realise that it was HER dd that lied also.
Don't worry too much but do stress to your dd that she has been blamed for it all an hopefully she won't let thisfriend encourage her into things again

AgentProvocateur Thu 18-Aug-11 11:35:08

I have teens, and I have to say that I wouldn't let them stay over at a house where there was a party, and where I hadn't at least phoned the party host's parents - even if I didn't know them.

I know of too many people who have gone away overnight and come back to a wrecked house due to their children having an "empty" all night long.

How did you know the parents were around?

bemybebe Thu 18-Aug-11 11:36:19

my dsc are much older now - late teens and early twenties

twoteens Thu 18-Aug-11 11:36:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twoteens Thu 18-Aug-11 11:41:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogsBestFriend Thu 18-Aug-11 11:42:26

Yes, awful and imho all too easy to happen. J, the girl concerned, is a lovely kid from a nice family, she's not a wild-child and going on what we all know of the girl who hosted the party it was understandable that J's parents assumed that the host's family would be decent people and be responsibly in control of events.

duckdodgers Thu 18-Aug-11 11:42:36

I dont agree with you dogsbestfriend at all, the girls are 14, not 4! I would never expect to have met personally all my teenage DSs friends, hes 18 now and the list keeps on growing!

DoMeDon Thu 18-Aug-11 11:44:07

I can see why your DD's friend needed her to lie. I wouldn't let a 14 year old stay at a house party either.

I can't see where this woman's coming from. Is she blind to her own DD's actions? Your DD backed up her mate and made a bad decision. That's for you to deal with. Other mum needs a reality check.

DogsBestFriend Thu 18-Aug-11 11:45:58

twoteens, tell me about it. I have no car full stop and live in the middle of nowhere where we rely on the 2-hourly bus which stops running by late afternoon and doesn't run at all on Sunday or bank holidays!

You kinda get used to it.

duckdodgers Thu 18-Aug-11 11:45:59

Thats awul about that DD of your friend DBF and I would hope these type of parents arent the norm!

DogsBestFriend Thu 18-Aug-11 11:53:29

Not the norm but not unique either, I suspect, duck.

sunshinenanny Thu 18-Aug-11 11:55:22

This woman sounds like a bully to me . she had no right to contact your daughter in a threatening manner and if she does so again I contact her and threaten to take legal action. All girls involved are at fault and I'm sure the mum only found out because the third girl was feeling spiteful after the argument. The girls were of similar age and all knew it was wrong to lie and your daughter did own up when caught out.

I think round robins are quite common with teenagers who cover for each other and don't see the danger but you are dealing with your teenager in your own way and it's up to this woman to deal with hers. Don't feel bad I'm sure you're a good mother.

ThePosieParker Thu 18-Aug-11 12:02:21

The woman sounds like a nasty piece of work and you sound hugely irresponsible. 14/15 yr old girls staying out all night at a house party? What are you hoping for? Pregnancy or just pissed up sex?

If you drive you should pick them up, if not they don't go end of.

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