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IABU to think my ex should speak to his brother about this

(28 Posts)
iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 08:53:29

And I've changed my name because I'm a chicken.

Quick background - he had the kids, organised for them to go to a sleepover at their cousin's I cannot stand his brother and wife and one of the good things from the divorce is that I never have to see them again

My DC's keep picking up verrucas. We go and get them treated and they are clear, then a few weeks later, they're back. Transpires that cousin has "loads" of verrucas - two on one foot and 3 on the other, they are huge and stick out and he can hardly walk but he doesn't go and get them treated because his mum took him and he cried so they never went back. Has had them since before Christmas. (as per DD1 who is 13)

Also, my DD's are 13 and 10 and whilst at ex-BIL's watched a 15 film (not going to name the film as that would seriously out me but horror genre).

Spoke to ex-H and he said he had no idea that child had verrucas or that they watched said film, and he isn't going to speak to them about it.

Should he?

I think he should be having a conversation about the cousin keeping socks on (he doesn't he runs about in bare feet) and also not to let DD's watch age inappropriate films.

So AIBU?

awaits flaming

If your xh isn't going to say anything to your ex-bil and his wife, perhaps you need to contact them directly. I appreciate you can't stand them and don't want to have any contact with them, but you could use this to your advantage - you don't have to worry about offending them, so can speak your mind about the verrucas and the 15 film.

FWIW, I would be cross about both the issues you mentioned (as well as feeling sorry for your poor dnephew - his feet must be really sore). Regarding the verrucas, you can, at least, tell your dc not to take their socks off at ex-bil's house (maybe send them with slippers, just to be on the safe side).

iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 09:27:22

SDTG - I do feel sorry for him, according to DD1 he can hardly walk and they are very sore hmm so I do not understand why he's not being taken to get them treated. He's 9. Surely at 9 you just tell them they have to suck it up and buy a lolly or something afterwards?

According to ex-H I am being a control freak, it's up to him what he does and as I said to him, I don't have a problem with them going to ex-BIL's but I do have a problem with a 15 film and the verrucas.

Glad it's not just me though grin thought I'd be flamed wink

It also worries me that ex-H could have sent them there and then didn't ask what they did IYSWIM?

Crazybit Thu 18-Aug-11 09:41:42

Not bu, tell him that they need to stop passing verruccas to your kids and tell your DCs to keep socks on whilst there.

Also regarding the DVD, I would be saying if it is to happen again then DCs would not be allowed to go again. There are age limits for a reason, and presumably the 9yo has also been a 15. hmm

You're definitely not being a control freak, iamsuchachicken, and your ex should know basically what his kids are up to at his brother's house (not every little detail, obviously, but big stuff like watching age-inappropriate horror films).

iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 09:46:53

I did tell him, and the DD's did keep socks on but it's also an issue when they go to his mother's because she doesn't allow even socks in the house so all the kids are running around in bare feet. I suppose I'm going to have to get slippers for there which will piss me off to spend the money and then there will be no guarantee they'll use them. Sigh.

The DVD thing annoyed me and was what started it really because ex-H wouldn't let the DD1 bring Sims3 for the PC to his house because he didn't approve of it (and it's rated T for teens and she's a teen) and then I pulled him up and said that was a bit rich given that they were watching a 15 film when at ex-BIL.

iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 09:48:09

The 4 kids are aged 13, 11, 10 and 9 so a 15 film is definitely beyond them.

I was a bit shock that he didn't ask them in the normal way that I would ask what they did - not because I am a control freak, but because I am INTERESTED in my children.

fedupofnamechanging Thu 18-Aug-11 09:49:53

Not strictly relevant to your question, but vinegar dabbed on verrucas several times a day, gets rid of them really quickly. I tried all sorts of 'proper' treatments to no avail. Anyway, it might help with your DD's.

Cappster Thu 18-Aug-11 09:50:00

There are two issues here - one I'd take seriously, one I wouldn't.

There is some wisdom suggesting that you shouldn't treat children's verrucas - I always do, but I've read quite a few things suggesting that it's not necessary and could even be beneficial.

My dd gets a lot because she swims. She didn't catch them from me when I had them when she was tiny - and I walked about barefoot. She started getting them when she went swimming more. Does he swim? It might be easy to blame the cousin, that might not be where he is picking them up.

I'm not trying to argue with you, just saying the verruca issue maybe doesn't have as much weight as you are giving it. I'd get your children to take slippers if it bothers you: they're old enough to understand that they don't want to pick up verrucas. You don't have to force the other child to wear socks.

With regards to the film, that's definitely an area where I'd put my foot down. Sometimes I think you have to pick your battles. I'd say if he didn't talk to them about the film, that would be a deal breaker for me.

iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 09:50:42

Thanks Karma I'll try that the next time - the DD's don't like getting them "frozed".

Cappster Thu 18-Aug-11 09:51:33

I used the bazooka stuff with my children. It took AGES to get rid of mine - freezing didn't work, and neither did the duct tape confused that my GP recommended

iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 09:53:28

The issue with the verrucas is that they are painful - particularly on DD2 the last one she had made it difficult for her to walk because of where it was. They don't really swim that much and I agree they could be picking them up at the pool, but given that they are at their Grandmother's most weekends, and the cousin is there too, and none of the kids are allowed to wear shoes or socks indoors when they are there, I think it is also a possibility that they are picking them up there IYSWIM? And I'd like, if possible, to eliminate that possibility.

The DVD thing I am cross about. Not that the DD's are affected, but they just shouldn't be watching that sort of film, they aren't old enough to see it in the cinema therefore they shouldn't be watching it on DVD IMHO

Cappster Thu 18-Aug-11 09:59:12

buy slippers

I don't think you can ask a family that you already don't like to start changing what they do

even if you do they will probably ignore you grin

I know it's paying out money, and that's really bloody irritating, but you're the one who will be faffing about with vinegar or bazooka or whatever so the slippers are for you and your kids, really

iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 10:05:53

I know I know I know about the slippers. Will take the DD's for some to have just for visiting ex-MIL and ex-BIL. Sigh.

But why why why why would you not treat a herd of verrucas on a 9 year old? Especially if he can't walk and they're sore confused.

Cappster Thu 18-Aug-11 10:11:03

Things I've read suggest that it might be better for children to build up immunity to verrucas, to let their immune system fight them. Certainly when I went to my doctors he wasn't bothered by mine - 'they go on their own eventually' he said. I'm sure they would - I'm just not very good at waiting!

I do think you should talk directly to your ex-MIL and your ex-BIL - tell your ex-mil that your children will wear socks at her house, because of the verruca issue, otherwise they won't be visiting her. It is utterly lunatic not to allow socks in the house anyway. And tell your ex-bil the same thing, and that if your dc watch age-inappropriate films at his house again, they won't be visiting again.

Do it in a letter or email, if you don't want to speak to them (which I would quite understand).

Gonzo33 Thu 18-Aug-11 10:12:54

I used to suffer really really badly with verrucas when I was a child - had 11 at the same time at one point. My Mum used to take me to have them frozen which worked well for me, but is expensive. With my ds he has had one (we think from swimming) and I used bazooka on it and it went very quickly thank goodness (he is a bit of a wimp).

If I were you I would be tempted to call them and have a calm bollacking chat about the inappropriate DVD and maybe mention an alternative treatment for the cousin. Poor mite must be in pain.

Cappster Thu 18-Aug-11 10:15:28

Does mil have wooden floors? If so I'd be glad that socks aren't allowed. dd2 does nothing but fall over like a ninepin with socks on wooden floors.

iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 10:15:32

Thanks ladies am so glad I am not BU - ex-H had me half convinced I was over reacting

Have to go to the hairdresser - will have a think and come back to you all later

iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 10:15:57

MIL has all cream carpets. On a FARM.

Cappster Thu 18-Aug-11 10:16:15

snort

Icelollycraving Thu 18-Aug-11 10:16:29

Well,I think he certainly should mention about the film. The verrucas are a trickier subject. If your kids go to this house often,tell them they must keep their socks on at all times,I wouldn't be letting them stay as they are probably catching the verrucas in the shower etc. The mum sounds really irresponsible to not get them treated,the child will cry a lot more in the long run.

BlueFergie Thu 18-Aug-11 10:28:30

Look I know where you are coming from but tbh I don't think any of these are major deals.

You can't tell someone else how to deal with their kid's veruccas. Especially in their own house. Just make sure your kids know to keep their feet covered and thats it sorted.

As for the film, I think this is irritating but obviously your XH doesn't have an issue with it and as their parent he gets as much of a say as you. Your kids are 12 and 13 so not that young. Also they are not bothered by the film. It has not given them nightmares or upset them. So it is obviously not going to have any lasting damaging influence on then. I am a 33 year old and I wouldn't watch a 15 rated horror film in a fit because I wouldn't be able to sleep after. Age is just an arbitary judge of how these things effect people. I live in Ireland and they don't have fixed ratings like that here anymore. Instead they are rated 12/15/18 PG. Which means you can take children under these ages to them as long as they are accompagnied by a responsible adult. Your XH/ ex BIL obviously judged that the film was OK for the kids to watch and judging by the fact that your kids were unbothered by it, it seems they were right.

muminthemiddle Thu 18-Aug-11 10:42:25

I would buy the slippers.
Not too sure what else to suggest as it sounds like thay wouldn't heed your advice over the film.
Try not to worry too much when they are at the inlaws, easier said than done I know.

iamsuchachicken Thu 18-Aug-11 12:03:19

BlueFergie - my kids are 10 and 13, the cousins are 12 and 9.

I'm not happy about the verrucas but have bought slippers smile so they can wear them when they are there.

As to the video, I already made ex-H aware when I dropped the kids off, so I suppose I can't do much more.

I certainly have no intention of putting restrictions on what he can do/where he can go when he has the kids, which is what saying they can't go to ex-BIL would mean

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