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I think I have upset my Mum, AIBU???

(21 Posts)
MugglesandLuna Wed 17-Aug-11 20:01:06

My Mum split from my SD 3 years ago after 20 years together. The last year she has found someone new and we have lost the closeness we once had as she spends alot of time at his house which is quite a distance from where she lives. I am fine with that and although we dont visit as often I am glad she is happy after being miserable for quite a long time.

However we have just had a big argument in which I dont think IWU. She promised DS1 that he could go and stay with her this weekend (He goes to stay with her most holidays and he gets to help her in the garden and doing all the flowers in the church etc, which he enjoys) It was arranged about a month ago and DS has been looking forward to it.

Tonight she rings to say that she cant do it because she is going away last minute with her new partner, to the coast. Now I understand she has every right to do whatever she feels like but she had an arrangement with DS and he is really disappointed.

BTW she works in a secondary school so is on holiday for a while. Her partner is retired and so they could go any time really.

AIBU, I told her I thought she was being unfair to DS and she understands that routine and knowing what he is doing is very important to DS.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Wed 17-Aug-11 20:05:11

Did her partner book it as a surprise?

I know it seems a bit thoughtless, given they have the whole holiday. She made a promise and really ought to have kept it. I do hate it when people back out of arrangements because they've had a better offer! But - it's done and there's nothing you can do about it.

Have you asked her if she wants to have him when they get back?

Bintata Wed 17-Aug-11 20:05:43

How old is your DS?

MugglesandLuna Wed 17-Aug-11 20:07:57

No, its not a surprise. They have just decided to go away for the weekend.

We cant do any other weekend because she is going away next Friday for a week, and we are at CP the next, then its back to school.

DS is 10.

worraliberty Wed 17-Aug-11 20:08:18

I'm sure if she could have booked a different week, she would have?

Does your DS not have any other weeks free during his school holiday to visit her?

worraliberty Wed 17-Aug-11 20:08:57

Sorry cross posted

basingstoke Wed 17-Aug-11 20:11:21

Does it have to be a weekend?

MugglesandLuna Wed 17-Aug-11 20:15:27

It does really because she lives 250 miles from us and I cant drive. Its three trains and lots of ££££ to get there.

I am just going to have to come up with something fabulous for DS to do this weekend.

Bintata Wed 17-Aug-11 20:17:05

I think that she was unreasonable, but that aged 10 your DS is better placed to understand that plans change than a younger DC would be.

Have you already paid for the train tickets then??

MugglesandLuna Wed 17-Aug-11 20:20:41

No, DH was going to take us down on Friday and pick him up again on Tuesday after work.

My DS has Aspergers and finds being let down very difficult (I thought I put that in my OP but I didnt, sorry). He knew he was going to Nannie's on Friday and a last minute change has set him off crying and trashing his room sad. He has calmed down now with some coaxing from the Wii.

Bintata Wed 17-Aug-11 20:22:16

Ah, that is different then, Nannie has been very inconsiderate in changing the plans. I hope you do something lovely this weekend instead smile

basingstoke Wed 17-Aug-11 20:27:15

Your DH was going to do a 500 mile round trip after work? Blimey.

Does seem a bit off. My DC are spending time with all grandparents this holiday and would be very sad if it didn't happen.

diggingintheribs Wed 17-Aug-11 20:32:17

I hate people who change plans because they get a better offer!

I organise things with people and expect them to stick to it. I think your Mum has been incredibly rude.

And I would say that if your son was older and didn't have aspergers.

So YANBU and well done for saying something.

Eglu Wed 17-Aug-11 20:32:45

YANBU. I think even if your DS wasn't asd then it would still be awful of your Mum to do that. He is only 10.

carpwidow Wed 17-Aug-11 20:41:24

Take him to the garden centre to buy some plants so he can do some gardening with you instead of his Gran - you'll be able to buy loads with the money you saved on petrol. Has new partner put Gran under pressure? Has she been put in difficult position? Just a thought.

DoMeDon Wed 17-Aug-11 20:41:54

YANBU - a GP should kinow better than to book something else the weekend she is seeing her GC. Not on, bloody rude in fact.

youarekidding Wed 17-Aug-11 20:47:23

YANBU, and I agree thats without taking the ASD into account. It's just plain rude and I'm glad you told your mum that.

I would perhaps ask her what she will fill her days with when she's alienated family and it doesn't work out with her DP. (not saying it won't btw!)

befuzzled Wed 17-Aug-11 20:48:43

Yanbu IMO

fedupofnamechanging Wed 17-Aug-11 20:50:22

I hate it when people get new partners and dump on their families and friends. If you make a promise to a child then you shouldn't renege just because you would now prefer to do something else - it makes the child feel unimportant and second best and that is a shabby way to treat a child. Bad enough to do it to an adult.

If your mother feels bad, then good, she deserves too. i think she's been very selfish here and I'd be inclined to tell her that I won't be able to trust her in future to keep her word, so won't be making plans for ds to see her for a long time.

My MIL did this - used to be all over my children like a rash, til she got a new man, then we barely saw her for dust.

Chummybud1 Wed 17-Aug-11 21:04:39

I think she is in the wrong, she should not have made a promise to a ten year old kid and then broken it.

Inertia Wed 17-Aug-11 22:27:12

YANBU, it's a horrid thing for a GP to do. Sometimes unavoidable circumstances mean things have to be cancelled, but your mother has been selfish here, particularly given that your son has Asperger's.

It makes it very difficult for you to plan any further visits with him to you mother - being let down is clearly very tough on him, and I'd imagine that springing last-minute surprise visits to avoid being let down would also be difficult for him to manage.

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