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AIBU?

Crisis point: AIBU to tell him to leave his own house?

77 replies

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 16:49

Crisis point for me right now, so even though I know its harsh on AIBU, I need advice.

Things have come to a complete head with DH. I just snapped when I was making his breakfast. I said "youre always here, everywhere I turn youre just there. I need to breathe". He was stunned, he got up to leave and I threw his breakfast in the bin. He walked out of the house, then he came back fuming, shouting, saying he'd never let me bully him out of his home. He told me to pack my bags and leave, taking DD. Go to my mums.

But I told him to leave. He laughed in my face, and said I was so stupid. He says the house is in HIS name, and HE decides who will live in it.

He banged my laptop really hard when I was upstairs; this is the first time he's been voilent. It hasnt broken but the top cover bit came loose from the actual laptop. Ive snapped it back into place but am absolutely fuming; he knows how much I had to save up for this. When I came down he was shouting and swearing very very loud, and DD said "dont shout at my mummy". I just there colouring a picture on DD's easel.

Im shaking as I write this. Hes gone to his mums with DD, on crutches - he broke his leg afew weeks ago. I dont even know how hes going to hold her hand across the roads.

He said things to me that I dont think i'll ever forget. How I have had an awful upbringing, and how my parents never taught me anything. My father passed away in may, and his comments have cut me raw.

Im starting a university course in afew weeks - I got a place although it was very competitive to get in. DD's nursery application has been accepted - she starts soon too. And my mum lives in another city.

I know all this is jumbled and incoherent - but I cant think straight.

What are my options right now - I need some sensible advice. Please me gente.

OP posts:

Report

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 16:50

be gentle*

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 17/08/2011 16:53

OP I dont know what to say, as we dont have any background, often people argue and both are in the wrong! Honestly. try to calm down first, go for walk, something.

he has clearly snapped, and you have snapped too

why have things cone to a head? is this bad patch, have you had them before?

Shakirasma · 17/08/2011 16:53

What is the situation with the house? Owned or rented? Whose names are on the deeds or tenancy?

worraliberty · 17/08/2011 16:53

Surely there must be history here?

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 16:54

i cant believe its come to this where I'm sat here on my own,asking for advice from complete strangers on the web, yet again.

He said nobody cared about me, and thats why nobody ever came to visit. He said my family doesnt give a shit about me, thats why i dont want to move back there. He must have a point.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 17/08/2011 16:55

Why were you so nasty to him in the first place?

Is there history between you two? What is your relationship normally like?

Ephiny · 17/08/2011 16:55

If you're married and it's the family home, then it doesn't matter particularly whose name it's in, it's your home too. If for example he was abusive to you or DD then no you would not be unreasonable to ask him to leave.

But...I'm a bit confused about what's going on here. Why did you suddenly snap at him and throw his breakfast in the bin ? Why shouldn't he be 'always here' if he lives there, presumably with a broken leg it's hard for him to get out and about much even if he wants to! Why exactly do you want him to leave? Is it the comments about your parents? The slamming the laptop cover (though that only happened after?).

festi · 17/08/2011 16:56

definatly need background as It is unclear from your Op who is being unreasonable, who is bullying and threataning who and that makes a big big difference in my opinion on who should leave the house.

what lead to you snapping at im over breakfast?

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 16:57

Yes, there is lots of history. we've been having a really hard time lately because my Dad passed away in May, DH broke his leg afew weeks ago and we were away from home and it was traumatic for all of us; he's out of work now and as hes self employed, theres no financial support available so money is very tight.
We've had lots of other issues that I've done posts about on here. The general gist being Im a SAHM, he works full time, he makes me feel like Im a good for nothing, lazy arse who justs around all day doing nothing.

The house is owned. His name is on the deeds.

OP posts:

DogsBestFriend · 17/08/2011 16:58

"He says the house is in HIS name, and HE decides who will live in it."

I don't see that you can argue with that tbh. My house is in MY name and there is NO WAY I would leave at anyone else's behest either.

The separation issue is a different matter. By all means leave the man - but if it's HIS house that should surely mean leaving the house as well.

worraliberty · 17/08/2011 17:00

I don't know the legal stuff

But do you two still love each other? You've both been through a lot in the last few months. I wouldn't make any knee jerk reactions.

Can you get a job to help out or do you definitely want to split up?

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:00

I dont know why I snapped. I just feel angry and miserable all the time, and I feel completely overworked. He demands alot from me, even when his leg isnt broken. Every morning, he wants a cooked breakfast, then a cooked lunch, then a proper dinner - I know his leg is broken now but he seems to have no understanding or consideration for me or the stuff I have to do for him, the house, and DD.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 17/08/2011 17:00

I dont know enough but it does not sound like you 2 are beng very kind to each other. you are bereaved, he is money down and has a broken leg, tough times, very tough

can you try and just do nothing, and try and calm down a bit

do you still love him? can you imagine loving him again?

SoupDragon · 17/08/2011 17:01

Firstly, go to the Land Registry site and find a form which will get your name listed on the deeds as having an interest under "home rights" I think it may have changed its name but you should be able to find it.

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:02

But surely its my house too - Ive spent alot of my own money on recent refurbs, and we are married, and its mine and DD's home - why should I have to leave?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 17/08/2011 17:03

I think it's this one. I assume that as you refer to him as DH you are actually married.

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:03

I dont even know why Im mentally fighting over the house. I would hate to live here after we've split up, on my own.

I just dont know what Im doing right now. I just cant think straight.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 17/08/2011 17:03

If you are married then the house is the marital home. It does not matter whose name is on the deeds in the event of a marital breakdown.

You must both be drowning in stress.

Can you invite your DH to engage in a truce at least for a few days to give you both time to think things through. Clearly neither of you are in much of a position to move on anywhere else.

lubeybooby · 17/08/2011 17:03

Oh SRS I'm so sorry to hear this. YANBU to ask him to leave, it doesn't matter whose name the house is in, legally you have the right to stay there. Trouble is so does he so unless he sees the light and realises he doesn't want to uproot and disrupt his daughter you could have a problem there.

Is there any chance you could have a good chat and work it out? Stick with it til you get the counselling?

Have a hug anyway x

festi · 17/08/2011 17:04

you are still not giving enough away op.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 17/08/2011 17:04

Well, he can demand whatever he likes. No reason why you have to do it. It doesn't sound like a very happy relationship, tbh.

Shakirasma · 17/08/2011 17:05

Regardless of who should leave morally, legally you cannot prevent him living in the home he owns.

Even if you can secure your right to stay there, if you want to leave thes marriage then you will have to leave the home.

I think serious, adult negotiation is needed in order to decide what is best for both of you, and more importantly what is best for your child.

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Ephiny · 17/08/2011 17:05

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to have a bit of space from each other in the short term. You sound very, very stressed, at breaking point, and he's probably not much better right now, it's very difficult to think or talk reasonably when you're in that state.

But at a later point, can you sit down and talk calmly? Would you consider going to counselling together to try to sort through some of these issues?

This is assuming you want to work things out - if you're determined that you want to separate, then I would seek legal advice about the house etc, and start thinking about the practicalities :(

SpareRoomSleeper · 17/08/2011 17:06

Festi, I cant think of anything right now.

lubey .. ...counselling costs, and we cant afford it. its that simple.

OP posts:

festi · 17/08/2011 17:07

fair enough you do sound to be under considerable stress.

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