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Want to ban my Mil from even being near my dd

(70 Posts)
2MuchLoveWillKillYou Wed 17-Aug-11 16:31:26

ok I post here from time to time, but I name changed for this one. DH'S situation very complicated and I want to ask your opinion.(I think it will take few threats)
My MIL have a mental issues. Please do not ask me what is the medical term because I do not know and my DH dont want to talk about it. She was sanctioned under the mental health act few years back and again few days ago. She has 6DC'S and 5 of them are over 18.
They were with her until 15 and then she decided they grown up enough and she kicked them out the house (including my DH) not worrying they ended up in shelter until they were 18.
She said she always wanted gran kids and she wants to look after my Dc over weekend or even for a week. (wse are 200 miles away) My DC is few months old and there is no way I would let her have my child. My DH is very upset because he think that our child would help her to over come her ilness. (She does not take the medications)

AIBU not to let her look after my child now or ever because of her issues and that I cant get over that she wasnt looking after her own kids and now wants to play nan to my child?

pictish Wed 17-Aug-11 16:33:29

Yabu OP. Very.

You want to ban your mil from seeing her grandchild because she has mental health problems??!!

How mean and small minded of you. I hope your dh puts you right and insists.

2MuchLoveWillKillYou Wed 17-Aug-11 16:34:50

well when shes unwell she smashes the house, running arround screaming etc. I am worried about my DC

LineRunner Wed 17-Aug-11 16:36:49

I think the practicalities alone would not allow this to happen. She is in a mental hospital. You live 200 miles away. You are saying no.

You would be entitled to seek the view of her consultant psychiatrist as a baby is involved. But really, this is a non-starter and you know it.

Your DH sounds rather unusual.

MrsPlugThePlumber Wed 17-Aug-11 16:36:50

Are you really asking whether you should leave your few months-old baby alone with someone who may possibly unstable/violent?

Why can't you just visit and stay there too?

Tell your DH you wouldn't leave your child with anyone you couldn't trust 100%.

ThePosieParker Wed 17-Aug-11 16:37:22

Erm, I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping your dcs away from a woman who couldn't care less about her own children once they were 15. MH may be part of this, but MH without treatment and meds can be unpredictable and unsafe.

pjmama Wed 17-Aug-11 16:37:28

If you mean should you stop her from having sole care of your DD, then if you have reason to believe her issues render her incapable of caring for her properly or keeping her safe, then I would say YANBU. Your child's welfare comes first.

However, if you are talking about banning her from seeing her completely ("even being near") then of course that is extremely unreasonable.

worraliberty Wed 17-Aug-11 16:37:34

Fair enough you don't her having your DD overnight...no child has to do that anyway.

But ban her seeing your child completely because you don't like the way she treated her own kids?

Do you have personal experience of mental illness and trying to raise 6 teenagers? hmm

festi Wed 17-Aug-11 16:37:41

I wouldnt use her mental health problems per ce to prevent her from looking after your child many people with mental health problems do look after thier children and grand children and raise them well. I would use her chaotic life and possible inhability to understand a childs needs as a reason and the obviouse 200 miles. I think you should also not cut this woman off from your daughter if that is not what your DH wants, maybe ensure you visit regularly but if you feel for any reason she isnt safe with anyone you should not leave her with them

tinky19 Wed 17-Aug-11 16:38:06

Do you mean ban her completely or do you mean you don't want her to have sole responsiblilty of your dc? If its the first yabu, if its the second yanbu.
I have some experience of mental hea;th issues in the family and your dc is not a cure.

TheFeministsWife Wed 17-Aug-11 16:40:40

pictish If she's been sectioned twice then maybe the OP has a point? Especially after the way she treated her own DC.

2MuchLoveWillKillYou YANBU. My MIL has quite severe mental health issues (was diagnosed as Schizophrenic at one point but refuses to take any meds). My DH had an appalling childhood and was in and out of care as a child. There's absolutely no way on earth I'd let her look after my dds alone, no way! Your DH should surely see that his mother isn't fit to look after her grandchild if she can't even look after her own.

BlueKangaroo22 Wed 17-Aug-11 16:40:49

pictish, would you allow your child into an enviroment like that because i wouldnt! Yes she has mental issues, she is not taking the mick out of people with mental issues, she is concerned for her childs well being..

Op YOU ARE WELL WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS TO SAY NO. IT IS YOUR CHILD. Yes your partners too, but he is mad to even consider the idea!

JanMorrow Wed 17-Aug-11 16:44:42

Supervised visits when she gets a bit better/takes her meds, yes.. so you go with your baby and visit her at her home, but no, I wouldn't allow her to have unsupervised access (let alone overnights) unless she seemed a LOT more stable and the child was a bit older.

LolaRennt Wed 17-Aug-11 16:44:47

I would never leave her alone with them but I would give her that chance to a be "grandma" that can mean as little as much as you like.

No unsupervised visits but she gets to come over every so often skype send letters etc the second she acts violent or unkind that's it. Dh needs to realise that your children are just chlidren and can't "help" with her illness only she and her doctors can do that

festi Wed 17-Aug-11 16:45:43

Thefeministswife you post sounds a little judmental, I have a very dear collegue who has struggled with MH problems, has been sectioned 4 times is in her 50s has an adorable 20 year old son who has never once been in care, or subject to any social services involment, the fact alone the woman has been sectioned should bere no relevence, other factors in the OP sound more inpractical.

2MuchLoveWillKillYou Wed 17-Aug-11 16:45:52

because shes said to my husband that looking after her grandaughter she always wanted will help her he think it will. i've seen one of her attacks when I was pregnant and trust me it wasn't nice. she had so much strenght that 4 adults had to hold her and she still managed to smash everything in the house. My DH said because she didnt attack people with a knives its fine.
I do not want her close to my child when I am not there.
I think there is a lot to do with the wat she treated my DH when he was a child.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Wed 17-Aug-11 16:45:58

If her problems mean that she is incapable of caring for your child, then obviously she cannot look after her.

Do her problems mean that she is incapable of caring for your child? If she won't take prescribed medication and smashes up her home etc then I would suspect she is not well enough - right now - to be alone in charge of a child. That's not her fault any more than it would be her fault if she couldn't run after a child in the park because she had 2 broken legs.

I have to say that your husband clearly does not understand mental illness. A child cannot help someone overcome mental illness any more than a child could heal a broken bone or cure a headache or a kidney infection. Mental illness is an illness and as far as I am aware, being in the company of a child cannot cure illness.

2MuchLoveWillKillYou Wed 17-Aug-11 16:48:10

sorry spelling. wat=way. just holding baby and typing

FakePlasticTrees Wed 17-Aug-11 16:49:06

YANBU - I don't think children should be used to help adults overcome their problems. If you think having a relationship with this woman would be beneficial to your DD, then you should introduce them (but not leaving your DD in her sole care). If, however you think the only person to benefit from this is your MIL, then don't.

If your DH thinks your DD would benefit from a relationship with his mother, then maybe you could specify you'll only take her to visit when you know MIL is back on her medication. That's a reasonable requirement to maintain, and I'd specify when she's out of hospital she's not to have sole responsibility for your DD ever.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Wed 17-Aug-11 16:49:23

Oh, I am not a knee-jerk arrrghhhh mental health nuuuuuutter gerrem orf type. I know what I am talking about because I have been sectioned and I was put on anti-psychotics (trifluoperazine) and when I was ill there was no way I could have been in charge of a child. I would not have been capable.

2MuchLoveWillKillYou Wed 17-Aug-11 16:50:44

i am really angry that she uses our child to play my DH. i dont know because shes very clever and know how to talk to my DH or because her ilness she thinks it will

ShoutyHamster Wed 17-Aug-11 16:50:46

Err, pictish - really?

OP - you are entirely right to not be prepared to leave your child with someone who you believe would not be able to keep them safe. You MIL sounds utterly dangerous to be left in sole charge of a child.

Even if she weren't, there is absolutely no obligation on you anyway to leave your child overnight with someone just because they fancy taking care of them.

Your DH's attitude is entirely wrong - NO, your child is not a suitable 'plaything' to help your MIL overcome her illness. Not only does it not work like that with mental illness, your DH's attitude that his mother's needs here would come before your child's are worrying and wrong.

So you can put your foot down and say there will be no sole visits and no overnights.

Where you are unreasonable is in your statement that you don't want your child seeing her. There is NO danger to your child from your MIL's instability if you are there. It's pretty harsh to prevent her even seeing her, and prevent your daughter forming her own relationship with her grandmother.

Her parenting doesn't sound the best - but you visiting doesn't equate to her 'playing nan'. You'll be there, as the child's mother. You can soon step in if you feel she is overstepping any boundary. Presumably you have been visiting her before, as a family? Well your child will just be part of that. You shouldn't stop going - that would be cruel and judgemental.

Collaborate Wed 17-Aug-11 16:52:29

OP - if you let her look after your child on her own then I'd have serious doubts about your capacity to protect the child.

No unsupervised contact. If it went before the court (I'm assuming it won't) I'm sure a judge would agree.

Contact is there to benefit the child, not the adult, particularly when the child is put at risk.

ShoutyHamster Wed 17-Aug-11 16:52:54

Just read about her episodes.

Make it crystal, crystal clear to your DH that there is no circumstance where any visit will be made with your child when you are not there, and tell him why.

What brings on her episodes? Are you truly scared that she could 'turn' out of the blue, and potentially hurt your child? Has she done that before? I can understand your fears if that is the case.

southmum Wed 17-Aug-11 16:54:56

YANBU at all. And Im very hmm about your DH thinking of your DD as some sort of therapy

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