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not to take the Morning After Pill?

(81 Posts)
NeedaMAP Wed 17-Aug-11 14:30:43

I've name changed for this, sorry. DH occasionally reads the funny threads on here and I don't want him recognising me discussing this. I'll try and be brief.

Married several years, very happily. Both have always agreed that we want children at some point, but we got together very young so neither of us put a time frame on it. After we got married, I was struck with a bad case of broodiness, we discussed it more concretely, and it turns out that he was thinking in several years hence.

We talked about it and talked about it, and his reasons were solid and I don't think I could find a better man to have children with, he's a lovely guy who'll be a great father some day, so I accepted it. But I did go off the Pill and we've used condoms since. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't mind a little bit. I've made peace with it, and I enjoy the freedom of being childless, but I do get my hopes up sometimes when AF is a bit late.

Now we have a fairly definite time frame of two years. This is based on the fact that I'm finishing some specialist training at the end of this year, and will then need to find work and get a bit of experience under my belt before taking maternity leave. I have a solid work background but the specialist training will allow me to do what I've always wanted to do.

This is the issue: last night, we had a whoops moment, and I'm mid-cycle, and he's asked if I wouldn't mind taking the MAP because he's not ready yet. I have no moral objections to emergency contraceptions or terminations or anything. But, but, but. I don't want to. I want a baby. I always have done. We can afford it; we've got good equity in the house, savings, and he's got a solid career. I can take leave from the training and finish a year later. But he's not ready yet, and I don't know that I can force his hand like this.

Help?

belgo Wed 17-Aug-11 14:34:30

You are not forcing his hand. If he doesn't want a baby, he should have used a condom. There is no way he can force you to take the MAP if you don't want to.

Lorelai Wed 17-Aug-11 14:36:08

Ooooh tricky one. I see where you are coming from, but not sure it is fair/right to potentially 'force' him into having a baby he doesn't want. It would be different if the MAP didn't work, or you hadn't realised that there was a chance of conceiving and did end up pg, but deliberately choosing not to take precautions just because you don't want to is a little unreasonable I think.

Lorelai Wed 17-Aug-11 14:37:10

Just saw belgo's post, and that is a good point - if it was unprotected sex then YANBU but if a genuine accident (condom split) then YABU

belgo Wed 17-Aug-11 14:37:55

Lorelai - her dh choose not to use precautions last night.

Many people do not consider the MAP as a 'precaution' because it is after the event and potentially teminating a foetus.

HellonHeels Wed 17-Aug-11 14:38:10

I don't think he gets a say over your body. Fine for him to express a view but he cannot force you into a course of action that you don't want to take.

tethersend Wed 17-Aug-11 14:38:32

Well, I am currently sitting here looking at my MAP experience playing with her tea set.

It doesn't always work.

(I'm not sure if that's helpful)

Lorelai Wed 17-Aug-11 14:39:31

x-post belgo - you don't know he chose not to use precautions.

belgo Wed 17-Aug-11 14:40:10

NeedaMap - I assume your dh didn't use anything last night? Or was it a split condom?

Either way, he cannot coerce you into taking the MAP.

clairefromsteps Wed 17-Aug-11 14:40:41

You need to tell your DH so he knows how strongly you feel. Then you can work out what to do as a couple. Don't be tempted to tell him you've taken the MAP when you secretly haven't (go on, it must have crossed your mind wink)

PS - there's no guarantee the MAP will actually work for you. DH and I also had a whoops moment 5.5 years ago. I duly took the MAP as neither of us felt we were ready to be parents and nine months later we were the proud parents of twins. We haven't looked back.

Whatmeworry Wed 17-Aug-11 14:40:45

Regardless of who is "wrong" and who is "right" re last night's contraception, what do you think the outcome of getting pregnant will be? What will DH do? Can you deal with the likely outcomes?

TheOriginalFAB Wed 17-Aug-11 14:41:36

Maybe ask him what he will do if you won't take the MAP and see what he says.

NeedaMAP Wed 17-Aug-11 14:42:29

Erm, okay, this is the bit where you realise why I name changed. Can't believe I'm posting this from work, tbh.

blush We were actually intending to have bumsex. But everything got very excited and there was lube involved and we were a little bit pissed (not our usual Tuesday night activity) and he, um. Wrong hole. And all over too quick to realise/react properly. I'd not have believed it if you'd told me, but there it is.

So not really his fault with not using a condom?

QuintessentialShadow Wed 17-Aug-11 14:43:47

So this great man who will one day become a great dad decided it is better for you to force an abortion on your body, then for him to dig out a condom?

hmm
nice one.

JanMorrow Wed 17-Aug-11 14:44:27

In your position, no I wouldn't take it, but I would tell him, I wouldn't lie about it. I'd say, look, it's unlikely I'll get pregnant.. and I don't want to put those chemicals into my body, sorry. Leave it at that!

mumatron Wed 17-Aug-11 14:44:30

Sort of depends what you mean by a 'whoopsie' moment. Did you not use anything at all? If so you both need to take some responsibility too.

Imho you are not being fair to him if you dont take the map. He's been honest with you about how he feels wrt having children.

How would you feelvof the situation. Was reversed and he was trying to get you pg when you were not ready?

QuintessentialShadow Wed 17-Aug-11 14:44:51

oh, x post.

Fooled again.

mrsravelstein Wed 17-Aug-11 14:46:28

the thing about pregnancy is, though, that you can't necessarily set a '2 year time frame' - firstly because you might start trying and it might not happen and could take years. and secondly because even if you had been using condoms you could still have got pregnant (it's happened to me and lots of other people on here).

i know i'm stating the bleedin' obvious, but if you're married and happy and secure, and you want a baby, the fact that it might happen a few months earlier than his ideal time frame doesn't seem like it ought to be a major problem to me. unless he really doesn't want a baby at all, which is what I would assume if my dh asked me to take the MAP in that scenario.

Lorelai Wed 17-Aug-11 14:48:53

Well, you have 72 hours to decide right? So why not pick one up, then have a proper chat with him tonight. See how strongly he feels about it, and whether his feelings against having a baby outweigh your feelings for it. Obviously it is ultimately your decision rather than his, but if it was me I would at least want to take my partner's feelings into account. This isn't the same as him 'forcing' you to take it as other posters have talked about, just that a decision whether or not to have a baby should be, as far as possible, a joint one between both prospective parents.

And of course, the MAP may not work, but on the other hand you may not conceive even if you don't take it.

NeedaMAP Wed 17-Aug-11 14:51:36

Quintessential, I don't consider the MAP to be the same thing as an abortion, and he wouldn't force anything on me.

Back when we started talking seriously about the children issue and discovered we had very different time frames, he felt bad about not being ready, and would say that it would be almost easier if there were an accident then he wouldn't have to make the decision. I wasn't going to manufacture an accident, but I did think that if something like this happened (well, I would never have assumed that something ^like this^would happen, but ykwim) he'd live with it. He'd never ask me to terminate a known pregnancy, that seems about a million times more extreme than a request to take the MAP.

Highlander Wed 17-Aug-11 14:52:11

You need to have a proper conversation about this.

If kids are off the menu for the next 2 years this has to be something you both agree with. Then you need robust contraception and a Frank discussion of what to do when the contraception fails.

Bumsex accident aside, your DH thinks you've agreed not to get pregnant. You are clearly hoping for an accident, and that is a bit dishonest.

BaronessBomburst Wed 17-Aug-11 14:54:54

Well, you want a baby. He doesn't yet. So he's the one who needs to make sure it doesn't happen. He didn't. Now you'll all just have to wait and see. I wouldn't take it.

foxinsocks Wed 17-Aug-11 14:56:06

bloody hell, I think some of you have been a bit harsh on her dh. They both didn't use a condom - surely contraception is the responsibility of both partners not only one?

imo, people are very rarely ready to have babies. V few people I know knew they were 100%.

ultimately, none of us can decide for you. You need to talk to dh again and tell him how you feel because it doesn't sound that he has got the idea of how keen you are to have one.

Did you stop the pill deliberately?

boombangabang Wed 17-Aug-11 14:56:56

Ha! well if he does read this it's going to be fairly obvious who it's referring to now anyway.... not the most common scenario I imagine, on a tuesday night....

BaronessBomburst Wed 17-Aug-11 14:57:06

I can't see how hoping for an accident is dishonest. An accident is exactly that! The OP didn't engineer the situation.

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