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I am posting here for honest responses to do not hold back!

(81 Posts)
kidsandexesequalsnightmare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:38:30

Ex and I are separated, we have dc, one of whom as SN, Autism.

Ex and his family are very, very heavy drinkers. They get legless at every family occasion they have. Ex and ex FIL especially get into terrible states. MIL flaps around them like a wet hen when they get into this state and completely obsesses over them, ie getting them to bed, making sure they dont get up again, running off to find them if one goes walkabout and so on and on.

I have witnessed on two occasions her disregarding her own personal safety to chase around after ex when he was drunk, even drink driving herself on one occasion.

Ex wants to take the dc to a big family occasion this weekend. There will be much drinking and ex just cannot handle his drink at all. He will have a drink and get drunk there is no question of it.

AIBU to not want my dc to go. I do not trust ex to care for them properly and have full awareness of their needs after a certain stage of drink. He also talks about taking the dc away to spend time with his parents and again I do not want this to happen. My ex FIL winds my dd up mercilessly, they have no awareness of DS's SN, well MIL does FIL does not and does not bother to find out.

However on the flip side they do adore the dc but just have real problems putting children before drinking adults. My ex SIL will be there this weekend and she is sensible and trustworthy but I am not sure she would go against her family and ring me if things were getting out of hand.

So AIBU? What would you do if you were me?

ChippingIn Tue 16-Aug-11 18:40:08

I would be keeping them at home.

End of.

milkshakejake Tue 16-Aug-11 18:40:35

I would not let them go - unless your ex SIL is prepared to take responsibility for phoning you if it got out of hand. There will have to be someone sober there to take charge of your children, or you will not be able to relax.

festi Tue 16-Aug-11 18:41:50

YANBU I would not allow it either SN or not, no need for children to be around this kind of drama and drinking. seems like ex mil likes the drama.

ragged Tue 16-Aug-11 18:41:58

yanbu. Could you arrange to do the driving? Are DC old enough to hang around with moderately drunk people, doesn't sound very safe, but only you understand the limits of the SN.

ZillionChocolate Tue 16-Aug-11 18:42:05

How far away is it? Could you compromise by collecting them in time to take them home for bed, before it gets out of hand?

Dozer Tue 16-Aug-11 18:42:40

I wouldn't let them go, but you may be on dodgy ground legally? Not that that matters, unless your ex is minded to take you to court.

kidsandexesequalsnightmare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:44:54

Its about an hour and a half away. I could pick them up but it is a three hour round trip. It would be nice for the dc to go and see all their cousins etc and the drink thing could be prevented by my doing so but ex treats me with absolute disdain most of the time and I resent doing it for him tbh.

However I would put my dc first and go and pick them up. I suppose it would be a bit rubbish of me not to. Kids would have a good time.

MadamDeathstare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:44:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:46:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

G1nger Tue 16-Aug-11 18:46:30

I wouldn't let him go. Unless I attended too. That would be my condition.

He lives with you, I take it? That makes it your call, in my opinion.

kidsandexesequalsnightmare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:46:36

I feel petty now, because my own family are only half an hour away from where the party will be so I could go and see them. I was there last weekend though and didn't really fancy driving up there again. Plus ex is an aggressive, controlling f*ck who I will obviously have to give a lift up to otherwise it would be quite tight and and hour and half in a car with him is not my idea of fun.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Tue 16-Aug-11 18:46:59


Is it at all possible to broach this subject with your ex? (or is he your ex because of it and it's something that won't change?). If he can't moderate his drinking behaviour in order to care for his children then I'd say he sounds like an alcoholic

kidsandexesequalsnightmare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:47:17

No ex lives elsewhere but in a shared house that is not suitable for dc to stay there so he sees them here. It works out ok, he walks in and I walk out.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 16-Aug-11 18:47:40

YANBU at all. Don't give in because you may live to regret it.

festi Tue 16-Aug-11 18:48:11

I wouldnt let them go full stop, It really wouldnt be good for them to see people that out of control. I most definatly would not take them myself either.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Tue 16-Aug-11 18:48:36

sorry - x-post so I've seen your later posts. This is really hard.

kidsandexesequalsnightmare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:48:36

He IS an alcoholic. No question about it. But his family are heavy drinkers so it doesn't get noticed by them. They think I am an uptight Fun Inspector because I don't drink (well the odd cocktail about every three months).

ApocalypseCheeseToastie Tue 16-Aug-11 18:48:58

No way, they sound fucking vile !

MadamDeathstare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:49:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kidsandexesequalsnightmare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:50:27

Tbh me taking the up and picking kids up a couple of hours later was the plan but he was extremely rude and verbally aggressive to me today, so I just don't want to. But madamedeathstare I think I need to look at it like that and get over myself for dc.

MadamDeathstare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:51:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:52:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monstermissy Tue 16-Aug-11 18:53:25

my ex has drinking problems and he has the children over night on the condition he does not drink while he is with them, i found out he was drinking (ds2 has a mobile) last week and drove at 10pm to pick them all up and brought them home. I dont give two shits about his needs when he drinks with them they come home. I wont allow it.

Are any of your children old enough for a mobile to phone if they know its getting out of hand? If they are all still young then i wouldnt let them go. I also have a ds with autism and it was him that rung, he didnt feel safe and it worried him, hence him phoning and spilling the beans about daddy and his 'wine' (its cider but he thinks its wine).

The childrens safety (emotional safety too) is paramount and you have to protect them even if they dont thank you at the time. pm me if you want to chat about anything sounds a very similar situation.

kidsandexesequalsnightmare Tue 16-Aug-11 18:53:28

He can afford it, I just think it would be petty to take dc on the same journey but tell him to get himself there, I would love to though believe me.

So I will take them all up, go away for two hours and then go and pick them up. I will go and see my sister who I did not see last weekend.

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