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To keep to original PILS invitation?

(38 Posts)
pommedechocolat Tue 16-Aug-11 12:40:24

PILs have never really got their head around the fact that DH moved away when he went to uni (first in his family to do so) and that we live 3 hours away from them. They did a lot of moaning about visiting immediately post dd which dh had a word with them about.

They like visits to last 3 nights minimum. Both dh and I find the visits hard whether in their house or ours.

They recently asked to see us more frequently which we totally get. DH started talking about them coming for a shorter 1 night visit as his FIL is now down to 4 days a week at work. We invited them this coming weekend two weeks ago. Quite a kerfuffle ensued and now the dog is going to kennels sat - mon (dog more than easy and perfectly welcome) and they are staying sat night in a hotel halfway down.

They're not overly wealthy and with FIL moving towards retirement will be even less so. This amount of spend and hassle surely means it can't happen as frequently either?!

I also now feel really mean - like we're keeping them away the sat night. DH says important to stick to our original request as the way to move them along to easier more frequent visits.

AIBU by sticking to sun night only?

squeakytoy Tue 16-Aug-11 12:48:22

Not really sure what you are asking to be honest, your post is a bit confusing, but it seems to me it is the PILs who are making what could be an easy trip into an ordeal...

A three hour drive is not that much.. set off at 9.30am.. arrive lunchtime.. stay overnight, go home late the following afternoon and be home in time for dinner...

No need at all to break that sort of journey up with a hotel stay unless they are planning a bit of a dirty weekend wink...

Janeymax Tue 16-Aug-11 13:12:10

We live in Australia - 3 hrs is about the distance to the shops for milk. Seriously, it's not that far and in my view ok for an overnighter. Just swap drivers or stop for 15mins every hour.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 16-Aug-11 13:16:08

3 hours is nothing. lots of people do it in a day as part of getting to and from work or as part of their jobs. Agree that they could leave in the morning, be with you by lunchtime and then go home the following afternoon. It's no biggie.

I agree with your dh. Give in now and they will be back to staying with you far more than you are comfortable with.

pommedechocolat Tue 16-Aug-11 13:16:14

Sorry for not being clear - I now feel guilty they're staying in a hotel and we both feel a bit frustrated that it still has to be such a huge 'event'. My parents are 2.5 hours away and do overnighters (in fact would baulk themselves at the idea of more) so I find it a bit difficult to comprehend.

MIL doesn't drive so FIL is only driver.

revolutionscoop Tue 16-Aug-11 13:20:11

Sounds to me like they might be staying at the hotel en route to make some sort of martyrish point?

pommedechocolat Tue 16-Aug-11 13:24:37

Hmm. That may be a point revolutionscoop.

Dh is a fed up of all them always moaning about not seeing him etc etc. Apparently he's had it since his first term at uni. It's like they just can't accept he didn't end up round the corner from them.

redskyatnight Tue 16-Aug-11 13:26:01

My ILs are similar distance away. We see them about every 6-8 weeks - either we go for a weekend to theirs or they come up to ours for a day (won't stay as worried about their dog!) when we first had the DC they were very unhappy about this arrangement and wanted to see us more frequently. This was largely due to MiL's friends all having GC who lived very close by - basically she felt very left out and kept asking us to visit more, which we weren't keen to do because of the distance and because it meant that we felt we didn't really get a break (both worked Mon-Fri). I think it's just a case of setting expectations and explaining to PiLs about the other things you like to do.

I have the opposite problem with my parents - they used to live a couple of hours away so we went to visit for weekends as for the in-laws. Now they are just half an hour away so more frequent visits are easier, but they get cross that we won't come and stay for a weekend. Again, it's managing expectations that are the key.

AvrilHeytch Tue 16-Aug-11 13:26:11

Message withdrawn

Countingwiththecount Tue 16-Aug-11 14:17:44

With martyrdon like that you're probably better off with them three hours away anyway. grin

Countingwiththecount Tue 16-Aug-11 14:18:46

martrydom* (sigh)

diddl Tue 16-Aug-11 14:22:13

Maybe the idea is to guilt you into changing it back to how they want it?

If FIL usually manages the three hrs drive without an overnight en route, what´s changed?

Only that you want them to stay at yours less nights?

ShoutyHamster Tue 16-Aug-11 14:25:38

Totally get what you mean about making it into a huge event. A hotel to break a three-hour drive?? Stick to your guns - if they moan about cost you can just be cheery and suggest they just drive up- down in one go next time.

Special occasions - two night stays.

Refuse to be drawn in. Honestly, they could leave at 7.30 and be with you by 10.30, leave the next evening at 6 and be home in time for an early bed!!! - and two full days with you, which is PLENTY.

It's a good plan and ultimately they will see more of you.

ShoutyHamster Tue 16-Aug-11 14:27:03

Yes, if they're busy making a point - get all excited and say that you didn't realise that they liked hotel stays and suggest that next time they find a hotel and just come visit you for an afternoon grin

You might find that the hotel thing tails off somewhat after that.

DinahRod Tue 16-Aug-11 14:32:09

Stick to your guns, they will get used to it.

Make a big fuss of them whilst they visit

Always have something, anything planned for the next day just in case they develop 'clutch foot' or 'indicator thumb' after their long drive, so it isn't possible to extend the trip.

It's not about being mean but about not handing over the entire weekend to them, just some of it.

aftereight Tue 16-Aug-11 14:50:51

I feel for you. When we told PIL that we were moving 4 hours drive away they laid on a huge guilt trip (cost of travel, them not getting any younger etc) so we suggested less frequent visits to is to save them cash. Needless to say they gave up that particular guilt trip. We take it in turns to travel to them/them to us every couple of months, for 2 nights. 48 hours is more than enough, as both DH and I hold fundamentally different views about life from his mum, and she is like a toddler with her food issues and sulks.

AMumInScotland Tue 16-Aug-11 15:01:31

Stick to your guns and don't let them guilt you into having them to stay for longer. I agree with others - they are deliberately making this into a huge big deal to push you into doing things how they want.

A 3 hour drive is not a big deal for a single night's stay, unless they are so old and/or frail not be able to cope with more. But in that case they wouldn't be able to do it in stages either, as they'd find 1.5 hours drive on each of 4 days very tiring too, plus the added tiredness of not being in their own home.

They are being martyrish and manipulative. And your DH knows them well enough to recognise this and try to fight against it - back him up in his assessment of them and the situation, and stick to the plan.

my parents live 2.5 hours away and regularly visit for the day. They are making a palaver out of it but just leave them to it.

pommedechocolat Tue 16-Aug-11 16:08:44

Thanks all. Will just go with dh.

They have a history for just ignoring stuff they are not keen on. This is obviously going to fall into this category.

DH has IBS and some food issues. MIL knows what they are but still cooks with his 'triggers' pretty much every time we visit and they once bought him an ice cream when we were out (major, major no no for dh) and insisted he had some!

choclatelickurs Tue 16-Aug-11 16:11:07

sounds like you havent exactly made them welcome and they are probably picking up on that. they are torn between wanting to see their son and his family, and being made to feel like they are intruding

poor devils

CheshireDing Tue 16-Aug-11 18:37:31

They sound like my IL's (who live about 90 mins away), they seem to have started saying this year "it's ages since we saw you", "the last time we saw you was blah" etc etc.

I just ignore them, I have heard DH try and explain to them on the phone that we only get 2 days off a week and we have a whole bunch of stuff that needs to be done in that short period of time. I also know this means why would we want to sit on a motorway and then sit in your lounge drinking tea.

Might sound harsh but I think it's because they are retired and yours will be soon and then they need to find stuff to do themselves rather than harping on at you.

FakePlasticTrees Tue 16-Aug-11 18:47:26

your DH knows his parents, it's his call, if he wants to stick to his guns on this, you should accept that.

They are making a mountain out of a molehill. i'd do a 2 hour drive without feeling the need to stay over, 3 hours is perfectly ok for 1 night.

G1nger Tue 16-Aug-11 19:16:56

It's not far. It's about the distance that I do every couple of months to see my family as they never come down here (most of them are old, so I wouldn't expect them to travel). I stay overnight - arrive on Saturday afternoon, leave on Sunday afternoon. I have, on a few occasions, gone up on the Friday night and left on the Sunday. A quick stopover is plenty.

Merrin Tue 16-Aug-11 19:24:30

Could you meet half way for lunch and a lovely walk etc?

G1nger Tue 16-Aug-11 19:28:41

"Could you meet half way for lunch and a lovely walk etc?"

A nice idea for another occasion. Right now, it would be like saying 'we think we can shut you up and prevent you staying with us by meeting up for a little daytrip' ;)

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