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To not want to get involved

(13 Posts)
orangehead Mon 15-Aug-11 21:14:07

I will try and stick to the points as it a complicated situation.
My dsis has not spoke to our parents for about 17 years. My dbro didnt speak to our parents for probably about 10 years. My db then made up with parents My dbro then find out he ill. He lent our parents quite a few thousand pounds as parents in difficulty. We then found out db doesnt have long left to live, then a few months later he fell out with our parents again, this about a year ago. Parents promised to give money back when they sell thier house. Which they have now sold.
Meanwhile whilst all this going on I have been piggy in the middle the past 17 years and last year the stress was too much and I had an arguement with my mum to stop asking me about db and dsis and they have asked me not to tell dm anything about them. My mum doesn't really respect this and every few months tries to get info out of me about them. I tell her I am not getting involved and everytime I get very upset.
I have just had a phonecall from my dsis, as parents just sold house, wanting me to tell parents not to send db a cheque but to give me the cash to give to db. I explained I dont mind passing the money on. But dont think I should be the one to ask for it. db's wife (db to ill to do anything) should send a message saying please give cash to orangehead not cheque.
Dsis got annoyed with me saying I should do this because db is dying and basically made me feel very selish for not getting involved. Im really upset now.
Am I being selfish for not wanting to get involved

squeakytoy Mon 15-Aug-11 21:17:24

Without knowing the ins and outs of the arguments, it seems your family have a habit of falling out with each other regularly. It must also be very stressful for everyone, especially with your brother being so ill.

Is there no chance that everyone could just call it quits and try to get on? confused.

orangehead Mon 15-Aug-11 21:34:02

Not a chance far too many issues going on. I am the only one who has been constantly talking to everyone. I think I have only manage that by trying my best not to get involved despite everyones effort to pull me in.

thisisyesterday Mon 15-Aug-11 21:38:19

oh what a difficult situation sad

i would say that if your brother or his wife want to ask favours of you they should do so themselves, not get your sister to pass on messages asking you to pass on messages! or, ask your mum themselves.

personally i would, if asked BY brother or his wife, pass on a letter asking for the money.

other than that i wouldn't really want to get involved. they're all adults, they're all capable of picking up a phone and talking to each other.

skybluepearl Mon 15-Aug-11 22:02:43

i think i would ask your mum for cash for an easy life to be honest. i wouldn't want to upset DB

cjbartlett Mon 15-Aug-11 22:06:09

I'm always staggered how families fall out like this
Do your parents know how seriously ill your brother is? sad

pengymum Mon 15-Aug-11 22:12:56

I don't know the ins and outs or the amounts involved but I just want to say please be very careful with this cash issue!

If there is any kind of dispute and no paper trail, there will be no way of proving that you have had the cash and handed it over to the rightful recipients. shock
As I said, I don't know the ins and outs but as you have stated that your family have fallen out several times, this seems to be a bit risky! hmm

I would leave well alone, let your brother's family ask for cash themselves.
Keep well away is my advice. Money is one of the main reasons for families falling out.

orangehead Mon 15-Aug-11 22:18:43

Yes they know he doesnt have long left to live. It all so messed up. Dsil regularly texts my mum to say how the children are. I think it would be better she just puts it in a text to give it to me. My ddad can be a right nightmare at times and I can just see him trying to argue with me the ins and out of it and my mum will see it as an invittion that they are no longer a forbidden subject even though she doesn't really respect that anyway

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 15-Aug-11 22:19:40

Sounds as if cash would be preferable as, in the event of your db's early demise, a substantial sum in his bank account may be subject to death duty if his estate exceeds the current sum for exemption.

However, as this is not a question of you passing a cheque from one to another (which presumably could easily be done by mail or hand delivery by your dm), and as the sum may be considerable, it would be proper for your sil to ask your mum directly on behalf of your db for repayment in cash.

Although your db may indeed be very seriously ill, he may be able to append his signature to a letter asking for cash instead of a cheque - perhaps you could offer to write such a letter and deliver it to your dm after he has signed it?

orangehead Mon 15-Aug-11 22:23:46

Very true pengymum, I know they all trust me but I can see my dad refusing to give to me if I ask, saying he will only give it to me with db permission. Which is fair enough, but he will do it just to be awkward.
I just feel I cant deal with much more of this. I know what db and dsil are going through is much worse but I have been piggy in the middle since I have been about 14 years old and I feel like I could scream

orangehead Mon 15-Aug-11 22:26:56

I think it about £10,000. The letter thing might be good idea, although a bit more difficult time wise as db lives about 6 hrs drive from me and dsis

pengymum Mon 15-Aug-11 22:44:00

Orangehead, be ultra careful! Your intentions may be for the best but there are so many ways that it can go wrong or be misinterpreted. Make sure that your back is well covered.

They are all adults as thisisyesterday said, I would encourage them to talk directly and remind them that time is precious.

I am very sorry about your brother's illness. I hope that this situation can be resolved quickly, for all concerned. It is a terribly sad situation and I hope that your family can just let bygones be bygones, forget the past and enjoy the little time they have left together.

I am sorry but don't have anything other than this to suggest.
My best wishes to you and your family.

orangehead Mon 15-Aug-11 22:52:00

Thankyou pengymum

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