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to keep accepting hand me downs

(38 Posts)
create Mon 15-Aug-11 21:01:14

I have a lovely friend I've known since our DC were babies. Now they're at different schools we don't see that much of each other, but do try and meet up in the hols.

We've had a great day today, really relaxed by the sea. 4 DC played together beautifully with no issues and we took a picnic, so spent exactly £0!!

My friend is very comfortably off. We're comfortable too (fingers crossed!) but not like them (not relevant except for the fact that she never sells anything secondhand, but I often do). Her DS1 is the same age as mine but much taller, so over the years I've benefited greatly from hand me downs, which she always says she's glad to be rid of and see them get used. Today I've brought home a bag of clothers which will make DS1's entire winter wardrobe quite adequately. She's also offered me his bike, which he's too big for but will suit my DS2 brilliantly.

Again she says we're more than welcome and she doesn't want any cash, but really, a bike? She does quite a bit of charity findraising, so surely the least I must do is make some sort of donation. But how much?

Honeypie80 Mon 15-Aug-11 21:04:50


I dont think its wrong to accept hand me downs at all, if they were a mess and she was thinking of giving them to you in a horrible state then yeah id say tell her to keep them thanks, but as they're in good condition and will actually be used again then there's no problem. Instead of deciding how much to give though (as i feel no amount would be right, youd be left thinking was it too much/ too little etc) how about offering to help her at 1 of her charity events, even if its just going around with a raffle book etc, gets your out for a while and you may even meet some lovely new people too

purplepidjin Mon 15-Aug-11 21:07:43

If she won't take anything for herself, can you do something to support one of her charities? Bake some cakes, help out on a stall, something else that takes time but not necessarily cash? Maybe you could get your DS's to choose a present for her DS to say thank you?

She's either a brilliant friend or (mean-spirited of me, sorry) sees you as another charity - only you can decide on that one based on the rest of your relationship wink

AuntiePickleBottom Mon 15-Aug-11 21:08:32

perhaps sell the bike and clothes (when the time comes) and ask your friend to either nomanate a charity or accept the cash

skybluepearl Mon 15-Aug-11 21:09:43

like the idea of a charity donation or a amazon voucher for son maybe? 25 springs to mind but with no reason.

I'm also given lots of things and also like to give things away too. isn't that the whole lovely mum friend thing - helping each other where we can

smoggii Mon 15-Aug-11 21:10:38

I think it's lovely that your friend gives you things and you should accept with good grace, she clearly values you. She may also hate waste and prefer to see things get thorough use.

skybluepearl Mon 15-Aug-11 21:12:34

or buy some nice prizes for a raffle? or make a hamper up to fundraise if giving cash directly feels funny.

Joolyjoolyjoo Mon 15-Aug-11 21:14:32

Nothing wrong with handmedowns! I am lucky enough to have a friend who had 2 ds's and then a dd, while I had 2 dd's and then a ds (similar ages) Means I give any girls clothes which have survived the 2 girls' best attempts to her (mainly party frocks etc!) while she gives boys clothes to me. Every time we meet (unfortunately not so frequently these days) we exchange bin bags. Even better, she has now had another boy, so all her/ my boys clothes can go back to her.

We both agree it is lovely to see favourite outfits our dc have outgrown on a friend's child. smile

Namechangeoshame Mon 15-Aug-11 21:14:33

I'd offer to make a donation to "her" charity to say thank you for the bike, because it is a big thing - maybe don't even offer, just say that that's what you'll be doing, no need to specify an amount or funnel the money through her, just give direct the amount you feel appropriate and tell her that's what you've done.

babycham42 Mon 15-Aug-11 21:14:48

I think that its quite genuine and that it"s nice just to see things being used again.I don"t think money comes into it.I would never dream of expecting anything back when I pass anything on. It"s recycling at it"s finest and in the day and age where we are so into recycling I can never understand "hand me down hang ups"! Better than in the bin!!!

Lilaclion Mon 15-Aug-11 21:20:18

YANBU, she's your friend and likes giving you the things she knows you'll get some use out of. Why not offer to do something with her to help with the fundraising, more fun for you than just handing over some money to her.

OriginalPoster Mon 15-Aug-11 21:20:54

I think that it's fine to accept stuff from people and then give your own out grown stuff to some one else or to charity. I don't sell stuff, i always give it away and people often give me things. When I give to someone, I don't want anything back. Just say make sure she knows how happy you are, or send her a picture of ds on the bike.

MumblingRagDoll Mon 15-Aug-11 21:24:04

It's fine. I recieve all the clothing which my friends DDS grow out of and she posts them! She lives in a different city and now and then we get a ginourmous bag of clothes through...we love it and she likes giving.

Like your mate she''s well off....we try to repay her by sending little things as a thank you now and then.

TalkinPeace2 Mon 15-Aug-11 21:26:05

she justifies buying nice stuff on the basis it will be used well twice
you are both winners

moomaa Mon 15-Aug-11 21:28:20

I think you should say you'd like to make a donation to a charity she supports.

You can also 'repay' the favour by passing on clothes you outgrow to someone else rather than sell them. Then someone else can have the pleasure you get.

WillowFae Mon 15-Aug-11 21:30:42

I pass all of my DS and DD's old clothes and toys to my nephew and niece. I like to see someone I know getting benefity from them smile

Maryz Mon 15-Aug-11 21:31:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foxter Mon 15-Aug-11 21:31:28

I get hand me downs firm a couple of friends, and even though we are comfortably off ourselves they are always welcome - every little helps, as they say! I give my friends a bottle of wine every so often to say thanks. I think a charity donation would also be nice, like the other posters have said.

I also hand down stuff to my friends, and I have to say, I don't expect anything in return. However, a gesture is always nice smile

create Mon 15-Aug-11 21:32:02

Thank you all. I don't sell clothes. Anything that survives my two goes to my DSis' boys. As my stuff is often 2nd hand to start with her youngest gets to wear 5th/6th hand stuff! I would sell bigger ticket things like a bike though. I wouldn't sell this bike (at least not without giving friend the cash)

My friend has never made me fell like she's doiung it to be charitable - more environmentally sound (and helpful smile )

VeronicaCake Mon 15-Aug-11 21:32:36

I accept handmedowns for DD gratefully. But I try to pay the favour forward where possible by passing stuff on in turn, and obviously I offer favours back to the friends who have given us stuff. Rather than a quid pro quo arrangement can you offer to do something useful for her - like bake a birthday cake if baking isn't her thing, or take the two boys cycling one day?

create Mon 15-Aug-11 21:33:05

Maryz, she has DS1 and a very girly DD1

yellowkiwi Mon 15-Aug-11 21:33:12

My DS has had all the clothes/pajamas/dressing gowns/coats etc that he's ever had from a good friend of mine. We love it and I think she is happy to see the lovely things she brought for her two boys being used again.

meditrina Mon 15-Aug-11 21:35:04

From the other side and if you don't need/want to sell; when your children grow out of stuff there isn't much you can do except pass it on to someone who you hope will like it and probably will use it.

I see it as karma- we've benefitted from hand me downs, so in turn we give. It's never a matching one favour though, rather part of a chain of giving.

If any items I passed on survived use by another couple of children, personally I'd like them to be handed on again. But I wouldn't dream of setting conditions on a gift, and would just hope they continued in use for as long as they were fit for use, whether passed on, donated or sold.

Maryz Mon 15-Aug-11 21:35:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tonksforthememories Mon 15-Aug-11 21:36:50

I get hand me downs from my best friend. Her DD1 is 11 so we get all her old clothes, they go to DD1 (7) and DD2 (6), then once DD2 has outgrown them they go back to BF for her DD2 (3) along with any new ones i've bought!

We have a similar set up for boys clothes with a different friend, and Maternity clothes are now on their 6th pregnancy!

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