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AIBU?

To punish DD like this

121 replies

CardyMow · 15/08/2011 19:18

DD was told she could lend her friend her old iPod shuffle but categorically not to ever lend anyone her iPod nano (which I'd even had personalised!).

She lent it to her friend anyway. 8 weeks ago. I only found out today, when I asked DD to bring it down so I could put some new songs on it.

Not only that, but 6 weeks ago, I was asked by DD and aforementioned friend if friend could borrow my iPod charger. I asked why and the firend told me that her friend's iPod charger had broken. I'm glad I said NO because that was obviously a BLATANT lie, she wanted it to charge DD's iPod, I bet.

DD also lent this friend her brand new PE trainers (£30!) 4 weeks before the end of the school term (again, I only found out today as I was going through uniform to check it). DD had only had them for 2 weeks at that point as she'd just gone up a shoe size. Apparently DD lent them to her friend as she had forgotten hers and had footy after school. Friend STILL has trainers, and I assume has been wearing them all holidays, so I will now have to buy a NEW pair for DD's PE kit.

I have told DD she is going to friend's house tomorrow, and getting both things back, and if not then I will be going straight round there!

I have also told DD that if iPod is not returnedin good condition, or not at all (having panics about that), then DD will not get a main present at Christmas, to show her how hard it is for me to find the money for things like this, and she needs to respect what I tell her. AIBU to punish DD like this?

DD is 13.5yo, but has ASD, and is easily led, and friend told DD that her iPod shuffle was crap and she wanted to borrow the nano, and DD let her even though I had told her it wasn't to be lent. I want to impress on DD that I can't afford to basically be paying for SOMEONE ELSE'S DC'S shoes, or to lose money on something as expensive as an iPod nano, and she can't do things like this, no matter HOW MUCH her friend begs her.

DD is 13.5yo, but developmentally 2-3 yrs younger due to the ASD and her GDD (Global Devlopment Delay). AIBU with the punishment or not?

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CardyMow · 15/08/2011 19:19

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GypsyMoth · 15/08/2011 19:20

sounds like your poor dd has been bullied into it.....feel a bit for her tbh! poor girl

michglas · 15/08/2011 19:20

To be honest it sounds like your DD is a bit of a sheep, who gets pushed around by her friends. Given her problems, I would go and speak to the girls mum yourself to get your DD's stuff back.

CardyMow · 15/08/2011 19:21

AND at friend's mum for not noticing her DD suddenly had an iPod nano with SONEONE ELSE'S FUCKING NAME ON IT!!!!

And for not noticing a £30 pair of Nike trainers on her dc!!

So either she HAS noticed and doesn't care, or she is bloody blind - I'D certainly bloody notice if DD had someone else's shoes or iPod, and I'd make her return them straight away!!!

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zdcgbjm · 15/08/2011 19:23

I think your anger needs to be directed at your DD's friend tbh. Sounds like she's taken advantage of your DD's vulnerability :(. Do you know the mother?

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 15/08/2011 19:23

Delayed punishment until Christmas is just cruel: there must be something more immediate you can do.

CardyMow · 15/08/2011 19:23

I'm giving DD a chance to sort this first, and if DD can't get them back, then I will go round. But, where do I stand in law if they WONT give the iPod back, or it's broken?

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 15/08/2011 19:25

I also think your anger is a bit misplaced. I would punish DD for going against what you told her, but I think I'd be contacting the friend's mother myself and sorting it out. Some 'friend'

CardyMow · 15/08/2011 19:25

There isn't anything more immediate that would get her to understand - taking stuff from her room has no effect, she doesn't get money to spend on things through the year as I am on benefits, I save all year for presents like this for Christmas, so it's the only way I can see of getting through to her.

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girliefriend · 15/08/2011 19:25

Sounds like s called 'friend' is more of an opportunistic bully, is your dd being manipulated? And where are the friends parents, surely they must be curious where all these new things are coming from?

I think the punishment is a bit pointless as Christmas is ages away and by then you won't be pissed off and will feel guilty if you don't get her a present iyswim? I think if you want to punish her how about grounding her for a week or making her do more chores.

CardyMow · 15/08/2011 19:26

Don't know the friend's mum, or have a phone number, DD doesn't GO there, they only see each other from school. DD knows WHERE she lives but not the address, so could take me there but not tell me the street name IYSWIM.

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Whathashappenedtomyboobs · 15/08/2011 19:27

I agree with michglas, seems like your DD is easily lead by a very dominant friend. I would have a word with the parents, seems a little mean taking away Xmas present.

CardyMow · 15/08/2011 19:27

Grounding won't teach her not to lend stuff like this out though, and she's not very good at the chores! Even when she DOES try, when she wants to, let alone if made.

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CardyMow · 15/08/2011 19:29

How many more times though? She lost her DS less than 2 years ago by lending it to a different 'friend'. Do I not GET her anything nice in case she lends it out and doesn't get it back, or do I just accept the loss of money when I can't afford to?

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thisisyesterday · 15/08/2011 19:29

so she has no ipod, no trainers, you're mad at her AND she gets no christmas present?

sorry, i do think it's OTT.
and I think you should go round there with your dd and get the things back and tell the mother in no uncertain terms that if her child asks for, or brings back any other items of your daughters there will be big trouble.

FabbyChic · 15/08/2011 19:29

Sorry but if that was my child, I would have rang the parents by now and had a discussion with them. I'd have also said I'm coming to collect now. I'd not tell my child to go collect tomorrow.

LuceyLasstic · 15/08/2011 19:29

calm down is my advice

thisisyesterday · 15/08/2011 19:30

i would have a rule of not allowing anything like that out of hte house.

if friends come to play then ask them as they leave whether they have anyything and make them hand if back if they do.

if it turns out they lied and did have something then see the parents and tell them that their child was explicitly told to hand anything over that had been lent

pigletmania · 15/08/2011 19:30

That is , don't punish your dd, I would go round to the friend's mum and ask for them back myself. My dd 4.6, has developmental delay (2 years) and some Autistic traits and I worry about her being taken advantage of.

GypsyMoth · 15/08/2011 19:31

give her a break loudlass....she's got sn AND the teenage years to cope with here.

GypsyMoth · 15/08/2011 19:32

i say this as mum to teens too.

rebl · 15/08/2011 19:33

Difficult one considering her difficulties. You say she is 2 - 3 years delayed. I would expect a nt 10 - 11yo to understand and follow the instruction not to lend something to someone. I can however understand why she's not followed your instruction given the ASD. With the trainers I should think she lent the trainers, she wasn't told not to. I think I would do the punishment you have said because you've said it now and you can't go back on what you've said because that sends mixed messages. Also the punishment you have given is appropriate and should be understood by a 11 yr old. I would be raising the issue with the other girls parents. They can't be ignorant to what their daughter has done. They need to be made aware that she's making your dd give her all these things and that that is not acceptable.

There is one other thing I would do. I would put a blanket rule in to your dd, that you must not lend ANY of your things to anyone ever. What you've previously said to her is shades of grey, can lend some stuff can't lend other stuff. My ds (probable ASD, currently being dx) has to have things black and white and therefore the rule would be don't lend anything.

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pigletmania · 15/08/2011 19:33

You really should intervene, get your dd to show you where this friend lives and ask her parents for the things back. And no, don't get anything of value for her until she learns not to lend.

AtYourCervix · 15/08/2011 19:36

Bloody infuriating. And I completely understand you being angry with DD (been there, done that, got cross etc etc).

However......

I too think it's not DD you should be cross with (although that is so easy to say from the outside looking in).

bloody bloody 'friend' will your DD actually show you were she lives? (i know mine would conveniently forget in an effort to not upset 'friend' or rock the boat)

RosemaryandThyme · 15/08/2011 19:39

The shoes were lets say "borrowed" in school time ?
The IPOD in school time too ?
Maybe after dealing with it with the girl and her mum it might be worth mentioning the difficulties your daughter has with being assertive to the school staff, they might be able to intergarte into PSHE lessons some practical skills for dealing with these situations for your daugher and for highlighting subversive bullying to the other girl.

Rather than go round to their house in a rage though, I'd be all smiley and nice, pop round with a cake and tales of how your daughter is missing her this summer, have a cuppa and a cheery cheery natter with the other mum and would girl like to come over to yours one day this holiday or out to (fab local place) for the day etc, then with everyone cheery and friendly laughingly say ooh before I go I just need those trainers back and the IPOD as I've a fab new song I want to pop on it.

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