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To think my son shouldn't be denied food? :(

(147 Posts)
LikeAndLove Mon 15-Aug-11 18:13:47

Background to this is that I used to have a pretty awful eating disorder. With very little help, especially professional help, I have overcome this in the most part. However I do still really struggle to eat around other people. I am getting better at this, about this time last year I just couldn't eat in company at all, I thought I would choke and the thought of it made me panic completely. Now I can as long as I feel safe to which is pretty much determined by the food being easy to eat and familiar and being around people who don't know about the eating disorder, or if they do, that they make it feel okay. I am trying to get over this, I don't enjoy not being able to eat socially with ease.

Second bit of background is that it is only my bestfriend (and a few 'virtual friends' I met on 'pro ana' sites) who know the full extent of the eating disorder and the crap stuff in my life that kind of went with it. The best friend has generally been pretty amazing and supportive and put up with me sometimes being a real moron due to the weird way my head works.

Last night we both went out with another friend to Cafe Rouge. Her husband very kindly baby sat for my two. I ate about 2/3s of a bowl of chips before they went cold anyway. Chips are safe for me to eat and it was fine. We also had 2 bottles of wine between the 3 of us, my best friend only had one glass as she was driving, so I did have quite a bit to drink and was drunk but not stupidly so. Had a lovely evening anyway. In the car going back to her house she was asking if I set out to get drunk having only eaten 'a few chips'. I had got a little more drunk than I intended, but I wasn't OTT I don't think!

I slept over at the bestfriend's house and today it was her DH's birthday. We were going to leave before his family arrived but he DH very kindly said he would like us to stay.

First issue with food was this morning when I asked if DS and DD could have some breakfast, and a big issue was made about it being normal to have breakfast and how I should and I just felt totally got at.

Then bestfriend's DH's family arrived and we all went to the beach, both of my children swam and got quite cold. On the way back I bought chocolate and drinks for my two and her two children, as well as 8 beers, and bread and dips as my contribution to the food (all in all costing about £15 and being a bit of a mission around 3 different badly-stocked shops!).

All the adults were eating first, I didn't feel at ease at all for no real reason, so I just had a few crisps. Then people had cake and although the children hadn't eaten DD had two slices of cake. I asked if DS (aged 9) could have something to eat and my friend just said that he could have some cake, but he didn't want it because it had cream on it which makes him ill. So she said "Well, he can eat with you when you get home". I was so pissed off that I left immediately. On the way out I told her that was really mean to not let him have anything to eat, and she said it wasn't mean, and that she has been trying to get me to eat normally for ages. That may be so, and I do feel guilty for leaving her DH's birthday in a minor strop, but it seems totally unfair that DS was denied any food. As soon as we got in the car he said he was hungry and I am at home feeding him now, feeling bad that I seemingly pissed off my best friend, but also pissed off that DS was punished for something that I did, and that I struggle with.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

MegBusset Mon 15-Aug-11 18:17:12

I don't quite understand what food your DS was denied? What was everyone else eating (apart from the cake)?

Huffythetantrumslayer Mon 15-Aug-11 18:18:04

So your friend refused your ds food in a bid to make you eat? What bizarre and mean logic she has. Yanbu to be stroppy and you need to talk to your friend about how unhelpful she was being and it's not her place to make you eat.

LuceyLasstic Mon 15-Aug-11 18:19:13

he wasnt denied food, he was offered cake

TheMonster Mon 15-Aug-11 18:20:22

What other food was there for the children that your son could have eaten?

squeakytoy Mon 15-Aug-11 18:21:45

hadnt he just eaten chocolate though?

Illegitimate Mon 15-Aug-11 18:21:48

I dont get it. He was offered cake but he didn't want it, so he was offered food no? Am i reading it wrong?confused

OTheHugeManatee Mon 15-Aug-11 18:22:27

I don't understand this at all. Your DS refused the food that was on offer. Why was your friend's reluctance to put herself out for your son whilst in the middle of hosting a party 'punishing him for something you did'?

LikeAndLove Mon 15-Aug-11 18:23:14

Well there was a load of bread that I had bought, and houmous, cheese, crisps, and some pie type things.

purplepidjin Mon 15-Aug-11 18:23:36

The only weird behaviour in that story was that the adults were fed and the children weren't! Would your friend think you weird if you declined an alcoholic drink because you'd had enough, or a toke on a spliff because you didn't want to do drugs? Why should you be forced to eat if you don't want to, no matter the reasons - doesn't sound very supportive to me! Surely support would mean taking attention away from your eating, or asking you to clear away so you had privacy to eat alone in the kitchen?!

Good on you for overcoming your difficulties so far

BabyDubsEverywhere Mon 15-Aug-11 18:23:53

you say the adults ate first, implying the children were to eat next? but then the kids were just offered cake, that your dd ate but ds didnt, is that right?

Were the children offered any food other than the cake as a group?

I dont understand, sorry.

LineRunner Mon 15-Aug-11 18:24:12

Couldn't you have fetched him the bread and dips that you had bought?

MonsterBookOfTysons Mon 15-Aug-11 18:24:29

I understand you OP and think your friend was being very rude.
Your ds could of eaten some bread and dips and I believe this is why you are so upset.
As you bought them you should of just took the food for your ds and not even ask.
Sorry you have had a crap day sad

LikeAndLove Mon 15-Aug-11 18:27:50

I think the kids were getting other food, but because the cake had come out they were allowed some of that. I would not normally think it okay to have cake first, but I didn't want to question what someone else was doing and I did think they were going to eat. The adults ate first because there was not enough room at the table, and yes, the children had had chocolate a little while earlier.

Sometimes I do like to be encouraged/reminded to eat, and I really appreciate that she is, on the whole, the most supportive person I have, but this just left me totally confused and wondering quite literally if was being unreasonable...or was she!?

JanMorrow Mon 15-Aug-11 18:28:34

Why didn't you just give your son some food? Why ask permission? And why were the kids not eating in the first place?

LineRunner Mon 15-Aug-11 18:29:39

I'd have got my own DC the food that I had paid for and brought to the house in which I was staying. I would have put it on a plate(s) and handed it to them.

LikeAndLove Mon 15-Aug-11 18:29:52

Thanks Monster. The table had been cleared for the cake and I didn't want to make any kind of issue of it around her DH's family and on his birthday so I just left. It wasn't an entirely crap day, the beach was lovely at least.

squeakytoy Mon 15-Aug-11 18:30:06

"Well, he can eat with you when you get home". I was so pissed off that I left immediately. On the way out I told her that was really mean to not let him have anything to eat, and she said it wasn't mean, and that she has been trying to get me to eat normally for ages

I think perhaps she was stressing to you that you need to eat.. do you skip meals? Was she trying to be subtle and suggesting that when you get home, you should be eating, with the kids? Is she worried that you are projecting your own anxieties onto the children perhaps?

BabyDubsEverywhere Mon 15-Aug-11 18:33:27

''I think the kids were getting other food, but because the cake had come out they were allowed some of that. ''

So the kids were going to get some food, just after the cake....why couldnt you just wait 10 minutes, why did your ds have to be fed before the other children?

Still think this is a non issue.

LuceyLasstic Mon 15-Aug-11 18:36:53

much ado about nothing

LikeAndLove Mon 15-Aug-11 18:37:18

Well, her kids who had some cake were now having a pasty kind of thing. It wasn't an unreasonable time to ask given the whole context.

I do skip meals but not too much, I am a normal weight (too much actually I think, although I have chucked out the scales as part of recovery).

LuceyLasstic Mon 15-Aug-11 18:42:09

so you left the party in a strop over food.

way to go to give your kids the same issues :/

MegBusset Mon 15-Aug-11 18:42:57

Why couldn't your DS wait to eat with everyone else?

In the gentlest possible way, if you want your DC to grow up with a healthy relationship to food, social eating is the way to go.

TimeWasting Mon 15-Aug-11 18:44:12

So her kids had been given something to eat?

TheMonster Mon 15-Aug-11 18:48:18

She gave her kids a pasty but not your son? sad

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