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Teenager+step father passive aggression

(9 Posts)
lolaflores Mon 15-Aug-11 16:55:19

I have come to the end of a very long tether, with both of them. She is 18. I shall say no more. He picks endlessly at me about her, never seems to have a good word to say. I feel very torn between them both. Unable to appease anyone and everytime we find peace, war fare in one shape or another breaks out. I am fire fighting all the time. There is no open hostility, but just a permanent state of tension. His nit picking is now tedious, her behaviour just seems to be two fingers at everyone. Exasperated.

Birdsgottafly Mon 15-Aug-11 17:02:00

How long has he lived with you both?

What is he 'picking' on, is it reasonable?

wicketkeeper Mon 15-Aug-11 17:02:07

You don't have to be the referee. If he has a problem about something suggest he talks to her about it. They're both adults, thrown together through an accident of circumstances. They have to reach some accommodation with each other. Next time tell him to mention it to her, not you, and walk away. Let them argue, it'll do them good.

lolaflores Mon 15-Aug-11 17:13:15

He goes on endlessly about stuff that happened before, what she will do in the future (i.e. not come home when she says, not clean up properly, ask for more money, ask for a lift etc.)
We have lived together as a family for about 9 years now. Things have heated up since she hit her late teens. Don't know if this is the type of tension that occurss with biological parents. Her father has little or no input. He will not generally tackle her on stuff, but when he does, there is not really any let up. My family get involved then and there is even more war fare.

LineRunner Mon 15-Aug-11 17:18:01

I would sit and and talk to your daughter, as often as you can, about whatever comes up, really. Tension in families is normal, and she does need to know that someone is on her side. That being established, you can then disuss with her the ground rules, such as college, work, paying her way, her friendships and relationships - her whole life, in effect.

It sounds quite an unhappy situation. I think your DP needs to grow up a bit, tbh. Why are you his referee?

Dozer Mon 15-Aug-11 17:18:46

Think this is more a thread for the relationships board.

pinkthechaffinch Mon 15-Aug-11 17:21:46

or even step-parenting

Birdsgottafly Mon 15-Aug-11 17:22:26

First decide if he is accepting her as an equal adult and then work out if he is being reasonable.

My DP likes to go thorough senarios, i tell him that i won't indulge in them, full stop. For instance my 15 year old DD threatened to kick the dog, he wanted to discuss what i would have done, i refused.

Sounds like he needs to learn when to let go.

You need to then speak to her, she is now nearly an adult, so needs to behave as one. Re lifts, just say no or do it, it doesn't have to be gone on about. You are no longer as responsible for her as you once were, is that what he has a problem accepting.

Ungratefulchild Mon 15-Aug-11 17:22:50

I could have written that lola. Ds1 is 18 and we have lived as a family for 9 years. I'm really worried atm about how it has affected his self esteem and I am utterly sick of being stuck in the middle.

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