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to stand my ground on not visiting SIL

(29 Posts)
LoopyLiz88 Sun 14-Aug-11 16:59:55

My sil said some rather awful things to her and DH's brother about me and I overheard. This was about 7weeks ago. I told her I overheard and she denied it but her brother confirmed it to DH. I told her that I would not be going to her house and she was not welcome in mine. Yesterday I went to work, did the weekly shop and went home. I fixed DH and the DC a salad and went to a girlfriend's to see a movie and enjoy not having our children. SIL then sends me a message on facebook saying I need to get over what I think she said and that she knows it is my fault we didn't go to her house that evening. I honestly had no idea what she was talking about and told her as much. I called DH and he said she had invited us and he'd declined because he was spending time with the DC alone. DH isn't speaking to her much anyway. I told DH when it happened that I wouldn't be going to her house but had no problem going to his dad's and that I wouldn't get upset if he went to his sister's. AIBU to keep avoiding SIL.

YellowDinosaur Sun 14-Aug-11 17:01:27

Depends what she said really.

Birdsgottafly Sun 14-Aug-11 17:04:21

Realistically you cannot completely aviod her forever, but it doesn't mean that you have to like each other and mix when it isn't necessary.

It depends on what was said. I mix as little as possible with some family members because of views that they hold.

LilRedWG Sun 14-Aug-11 17:04:39

Agree that it depends what she said as to whether you are overreacting or not.

Niecie Sun 14-Aug-11 17:05:00

Agree it depends what she said and what your relationship was like before hand. If this is one spate in years of a decent relationship then that is one thing. If you've never really got on then it sounds like avoiding her is wise. You can't chose your family but you can chose whether they are worth spending time with.

Groovee Sun 14-Aug-11 17:15:36

If you weren't family would she be a friend in your life? If the answer is no then you have nothing to be unreasonable about. Just cos she's family doesn't mean she can get away with it.

cjbartlett Sun 14-Aug-11 17:18:09

What on earth did she say? Were relations ok previously between you?

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 14-Aug-11 17:24:25

Does it matter exactly what SIL said? Surely what matters is that SIL is still denying that she said it, despite OP overhearing and BIL confirming to OP's DH? And since she is denying even saying it, cannot logically apologise for what she claims she did not say?

That SIL is lying is surely at the heart of it.

Kytti Sun 14-Aug-11 17:32:29

I think you should both sit down and have a grown-up conversation about what happened. Surely you want your children to have access to an aunt that cares about them? Similarly, if she has children, doesn't your DH want to be involved in their lives? It was wrong of her to say things behind your back, it is simply childish to continue it. I'm sorry, being family means you can't decide to wipe them out of your life. Perhaps your husband doesn't have much to do with her because he knows you don't like her? Keep the visits minimal by all means, but you wouldn't want your children to behave like this, would you?

pchip Sun 14-Aug-11 17:35:18

YANBU. She's not behaving like a responsible adult and owning up to what she said and apologizing for her actions. Instead she's trying to deny the entire thing and place the blame on you. What is she, 15?!

Xales Sun 14-Aug-11 17:36:09

Seems to me your DH is happy to allow you to take the blame for this.

You are well within your rights to stay away from her if you want and the fact that you wouldn't stop your DH or DB from going there makes you the bigger person.

Xales Sun 14-Aug-11 17:36:33

DC not DB sorry.

LoopyLiz88 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:12:42

She called me fat lazy, and said that my children were "demons" She claims to have apologized but she denies she said it so how is that an apology. If she would admit it and apologize then I'd just suck it up and visit but I refuse to budge on this. We did see her at FIL's for SS's birthday tea but I managed to avoid speaking to her.

cjbartlett Sun 14-Aug-11 18:14:05

Oh no that's hideous , what a cow

EssexGurl Sun 14-Aug-11 18:16:27

I think that we have all said things behind people's backs that we would be mortified if they had heard. I am sure that you have said things about her to your DH that you would rather not be repeated. She got caught. Yes, she should own up to it. But she is family and I think you should be the grown up here and be civil to her, at least.

Niecie Sun 14-Aug-11 18:18:01

Oh that isn't nice. sad

Has she always been like this?

I agree she can't have apologised if she can't admit she has said anything. Total nonsense.

I do agree that your DH should have told you about the invitation though because now you look mean for the sake of it and you had no chance to deal with the situation or to let her know why you won't see her. What is his view on all this? You say he doesn't see her much but do they get on as a rule?

NeedaCostume Sun 14-Aug-11 18:24:20

What EssexGurl said.

No need to be particularly friendly, but no need to avoid her either. Just put on a guarded smile and grit your teeth for the sake of your DH and DC.

I think it is ok to give it a few weeks for you to cool off a bit before you go to each other's houses though.

LoopyLiz88 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:24:56

No actually I haven't said mean things about her to DH. I didn't have a go at her, I just didn't speak to her during tea. I will be civil when or if I get an apology for what she said. DH and SIL are the type that can not speak or see each other for months and be best buddies when they get together. DH didn't tell me about the invitation because he knew I wouldn't care. I had plans and so did he. If he wanted to change his plans and take the DC to see her then he could have done so.

Pandemoniaa Sun 14-Aug-11 18:28:38

It all depends just how much you want to split your family up and while what she said was unpleasant, is this worth a permanent rift and all the consequences that come with it. Like your children losing access to their own family for starters.

I think it's far too trivial an incident to warrant such a dramatic and destructive gesture. Much better to speak to her, say that you remain cross at her remarks but that you are prepared to put this behind you for the sake of the rest of the family.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Sun 14-Aug-11 18:40:34

I disagree. The SIL could stop this situation by apologising for her remarks, instead she's still denying that she's said them. If the OP backs down now then she would be sending the message that it's okay for her to be treated that way when it isn't.

It's up to the SIL to apologise.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 14-Aug-11 18:40:51

Pandemoniaa, you could say the same of SIL, she could just acknowledge she said it and apologise. OP has far less responsibility for bad feeling than SIL. And OP is not 'splitting the family up'. DH and DC could have gone to SIL's had DH wanted to do so.

Pandemoniaa Sun 14-Aug-11 18:43:25

It's still a form of splitting up the family if, in future, the OP's DH and DC visit without the OP, though, isn't it? It's not exactly normal family life anyway.

I'm not suggesting the OP apologise for the remarks her SIL made but there are ways of making her feelings known without great huge family rifts resulting.

LoopyLiz88 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:50:52

Pandemoniaa It is up to SIL to admit what she said and apologize for it. If we are all at FIL's then we will all see each other but I will not go to her house for a visit. I pass on the next street twice a week and would normally stop in for a cuppa but now I just drive by. She will see the dc less as a result of her actions but they will be just fine. They have lots of uncles and aunties who adore them. DH has a brother and I have many brothers and sisters. My children are better off seeing her less than to hear her call them demons or slag me off!

Birdsgottafly Sun 14-Aug-11 19:00:24

Has what she said been taken out of content, so she will apologise for saying what she said but not for what you think that you have heared, which isn't how she meant it iyswim. I have refused to apologise when extra meaning has been added to my words.

Tbh, if she is saying that about her DN's then she should clarify what she means, they are her family, she can be as petty as she likes with you.

Whatmeworry Sun 14-Aug-11 21:14:48

She called me fat lazy, and said that my children were "demons"

Remi d her of that on Facebook...unless she is right of course grin

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