AIBU to be thoughroughly pissed off and slightly worried?(15 Posts)
Following a conversation with OH last night I am so angry and worried how things will work so here goes........
Last night OH and I were discussing what will happen regarding childcare when I return to work after my mat leave is up (I'm only taking 7 months as I can't afford any longer ) as we've discovered that it's going to take alot of working out because of the hours we do etc. We have his DD (from previous marriage) 2 days a week with an overnight stay and I said, off the cuff, 'well at least if I end up having to work one of those days childcare won't be an issue as you're already off work'. I didn't mean on a permanant basis but occassionally my shifts get swapped. Imagine my shock/horror face when he said 'that's my time with my daughter and I don't want my time monopolised by shit and puke'. Admittedly I hit the bloody roof and told him what a selfish twat he is and I reminded him that he would have 2 DC that would need equal time with him. He took that as me saying that his relationship with DD would have to take a back step and now all hell has broken loose!!!
I am so fucking angry with his lack of forsight and wonder how this is going to work. This baby was planned and is very much wanted but now I can't help feeling incredibly insecure that our child isn't going to get the love and attention from him as he wants to, seemingly, spend time alone with his daughter.
Pease please help, I love OH very much, he loves me very much and I don't want this to ruin everything
But wasn't he saying that his relationship with the baby would have to take a back step on days when his DD is there? How is that different from what he's suggesting that you meant?
He's going to have 2 children and he's going to have to learn to manage that.
How old is his DD? Chances are she'll be totally obsessed with "her" new person and Dad will take a back seat in her eyes
Does he see his daughter at any other time?
He is being unreasonable to think you'll be able to cover all of the time when his daughter is staying, but can understand why he'd be concerned about the effect of the new arrival on his daughter (or, more selfishly, his enjoyment of his time with her).
Make sure you don't get in the situation that childcare is your problem because you're returning to work - it's for both of you to sort out and be responsible for.
OH is 35 and we sometimes have DSD for an extra day if the ex has something that needs doing/she wants to go out etc etc. I'm trying to be understanding to his point (now i've peeled myself off the ceiling!) as we went through hell and back to get access - his ex is a volatile woman who did everything she could in the beginning to make things as difficult as possible (she soon realised how useful we could be when she had another baby and was finding it difficult to find someone who would look after all 4 of her kids!!).
We normally pride ourselves on being able to talk things through but this has stumped me
from his point of view the new baby will have him 7 days a week, the DD only has him part time
lucey I'm trying to tell myself that, I really am, but if he's insistant on having quality time with DD daughter for the 2 days surely that will make him a 5 day part time dad for our child?
"I don't want my time monopolised by shit and puke" - is a pretty horrible thing to say about your own child. But surely when you have a new baby, you accept that your time is going to be 'monopolised' for a while - or does he think it's only your time that it's acceptable to have taken up in that way because you're a woman? If so, you need to nip that attitude in the bud, especially if you're going to be going out to work as well.
I can see that he doesn't want his DD to suffer or feel neglected or that she's being 'replaced' in his affections in any way. But surely that doesn't have to happen. He can still have an equally important and loving relationship with her while looking after the baby - isn't that what has to happen when you have a baby and there's an older 'full' sibling in the family? You're not saying you want him to see her less often, are you?
And you don't say how old the DD is, but she might actually like spending time with the baby!
My view, for what it is worth, is that men (big geneneralisation coming up) believe they only have 'so much love'. They get scared that extra calls on their love will diminish it, they don't realise it increases exponentially. It will be different when baby here, and he realises he has more than enough love, but, tbh, he sounds a bit scared, which shows he has at least been thinking. This is a good thing...honest.When the baby is here and DD1 is playing with her and he sees them together, all this will be a distant memory, I'm sure.
Don't blame you for being mad tho'.
Is hard for you all, good wishes!
He is NBU to worry about how the new arrival will affect the relationship between him and his daughter. You need to point this out.
He IS BU to think that he shouldn't care for his newborn and his DD when you're at work. You're hardly swanning off to a spa day. And you said it would only be occasionally, not every week.
Just what is his problem with stepping up to his full caring duties now that he has multiple children? You need to point this out to him. Would he rather pay for childcare so that he can look after his DD, and the childcarer looks after BOTH of your newborns whilst you work? It's untenable, and frankly, laughable, that he might suggest this.
Oh god no I'm not, nor would I ever be, saying that I want him to spend less time with her, I've bust a gut and spent alot of money on solicitors to get to the point we are now when he was ready to give up on the whole situation. We moved to a bigger house with the intention of having a baby and I insisted she had the larger bedroom as we could take forever to fall pregnant and the baby wouldn't need the bigger room for at least 2 1/2 years once it's born. She's 3 now. She's not spoilt but she doesn't go without and all we do has her in mind.
She isn't the issue, his piss-poor attitude is.
"or does he think it's only your time that it's acceptable to have taken up in that way because you're a woman? "
A very, very good point.
Is he going to step up and take on any of the primary carer time with his newborn, or does he consider that your domain only?
Is it ok for your time to be "taken up by shit and puke", and if it is, why isn't his?
He sounds like an immature teenager, tbh. Is his daughter the real excuse for why he has a problem with this? (whilst you're out working I might add - I'm shocked that anyone would have a problem with this... it's incredible and this thread would make more sense if you'd said your day off was really a "girls day out" or something... you know... something where your DH might have a valid point/ a valid problem with it!)
I'd just like to point out that I will be going back to work when baby is 7 or 8 months old and will not be classed as 'newborn' as such.
Honestly he needs to live in the real world. He will be a father of 2 not 1 any more. DSD was 10 when dd1 was born and doted on her, she was the same when dd2 was born. Should would have hated if her dad had tried to keep them separate.
But I wouldn't worry too much. I'm sure when the baby is actually here and he is a part of it's life everyday it won't be too much of an issue. Also by the time you go back to work there will be a bond between both your DH and the baby and DSD and the baby.
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