to ask my DH not to invite his friends over because I'm not in the mood for visitors?(32 Posts)
Okay, maybe I am being a little unsociable but I don't think I'm unreasonable....
To cut a long story short, I was up early this morning with both children,then I took my DS to football and then out for a hectic afternoon with friends and their children. I'd been busy all day and eve yesterday (as DH had gone out to a festival for the day/eve with some friends who are visiting from another part of the country).
I have horrible period pains today and when I got home this late afternoon I just wanted to put my comfy pyjamas on, eat some chocolate and slob around the house for the afternoon (the pyjamas in the afternoon may sound terrible but in my defence, my DD is only four months old and I don't have many comfy clothes I fit into yet!).
I actually said to DH when I got home: " You don't have any friends coming over this afternoon, do you?". When he said no, I said: "Good, I really don't feel like making conversation with anyone and I just want to chill out and read the paper for a bit".
-A quick bit of background here - DH is a lot more sociable than I am and likes to leave the front door of our home open so that his friends can stroll in and out as they please. Some of them walk in without knocking, which I hate and I have had issues with DH before about this. I am a friendly and polite parson but I prefer my friends to call before coming over. Normally, if DH's friends descend and I'm not in the mood for small talk (happened a bit when I was tired and pregnant) I go and read a book in the bedroom, but today I wanted to relax on my own sofa! We have an upstairs living area, so actually going into my room (which is downstairs) and closing the door is the only way of avoiding people I don't want to see -
About half an hour after my conversation with DH, he said: "Bob is coming over in a minute, don't worry, he won't stay long, he's just picking something up". I said " I specifically asked you NOT to invite anyone over!!". DH replied-"He invited himself, I couldn't say no, he won't stay, why don't you just chill out in the bedroom while he's here?". I stomped off, still in my tartan pj's. His friend arrived, with his young DD in tow and stayed for over an hour. During this time I had to go and get my DD from upstairs to feed her which meant i had to stand and make conversation with the friend, in pjs, with wild hair, feeling really fed up and not in the mood for small talk at all. He's a nice enough guy, but that's NOT THE POINT!! (Am I becoming unreasonable now?! maybe it's PMT).
So, this evening, DH was on the phone to the friends he was meeting up with again and I heard him say: I'll see you at mine in a bit". This is group of his friends I don't know well, haven't seen for some time and some who I haven't even met. At this point, our children were safely in bed and I was happily sitting, in the chaos of our kitchen, eating a Chinese take-away (I know, I'm making myself sound disgusting... but it has just been one of those days and I couldn't face either cooking or cleaning ).
The thought of a group of men traipsing through my house, and having to be INTRODUCED to people whilst wearing pyjamas and eating a take-away was horrifying. I like to meet new people when I am fully dressed and at least wearing a bit of mascara - I don't think that's unreasonable! I also like to tidy up a little before we have visitors. I bellowed -"You are not bringing anyone else in here today!!" at DH. He assured me that he was going straight out when they came.
10 mins later, I hear him coming up the stairs talking to someone. WTF??! I actually abandoned my food and rushed off to the bedroom (as I write this I realise I'm sounding a little insane). I could hear DH saying "She's not feeling well" to the friend he was with, who was asking where I was. DH came in and saw how furious I was. He was saying "I'm sorry, I told him to wait outside but he just followed me up". I hissed at him to "Get out" and, eventually, off they went (the others had actually waited outside).
Am I being completely unreasonable and perhaps a little insane?! Or should I be able to expect a day without visitors becuase that's what I want?
YANBU - if you can't have a little space and privacy in your own home, then where can you? You shouldn't have to hide away in your bedroom!
As for people just walking in Start locking the door.
The alternative is to let your DH's friends 'accidently' catch you naked I'm sure he'd make sure they knocked first in future then.
He sounds incredibly disrespectful of your wishes, and why is he gallivanting off to festivals instead of spending time with his children?!
to be fair, its his house too and he should be allowed to have friends by if he wants to
... and your DD is only four months old. You don't need an excuse to slob out in your PJs/eat takeaway/generally laze around. If the chance to do any of those things arises, it's practically against the law not to grab it with both hands.
why is he gallivanting off to festivals instead of spending time with his children?
lol heaven forbid any parent should enjoy themselves
YANBU and you don't sound insane - my DH and I are similar to you two, I think, and I empathise completely!
Didn't he take your DS to the festival, then?
YANBU, and it sounds like your house is more of a student squat than a family home too.
YANBU in my opinion. Home should be a sanctuary and yours sounds more like a through-road. I would hate that too!
I don't think it's being anti-social to want a say in who visits and when occasionally.
Also not remotely unreasonable to be in your pjs on a Saturday afternoon. Good for you I say.
If it's any consolation, if your dh's friend was male I'm fairly sure he wouldn't notice if you were wearing a pink tutu and welly boots while snorting your Chinese up your nose...
Time doing your own thing is all well and good but I would HATE the 'walk in whenever you want' policy. It's not really your home if you can't relax because someone might wander in at any point. Have you put it that way to your DH?
I would personally want to veto the open door policy, but if you felt like compromising, I would go with saying 1 or maybe 2 nights a week he can invite people to come round if they feel like it, but anything else is strictly on prior agreement only. Also you always get to veto people coming round if you really feel unwell/off form - in that case he
stays in and waits on you goes out and meets them at the pub instead.
YABU - you knew you were chalk and cheese before you got together. I'm the most unsociable of cows and my house is always full. Kinda grows on you after a while!
YANBU at all. You have a 4 month old baby and have spent the day tearing about looking after DS and DD. You are perfectly entitled to be slobbing in PJ's and looking forward to a bit of time relaxing in the privacy of your own home without virtual strangers wandering around.
"lol heaven forbid any parent should enjoy themselves"
Of course not, but in this case one parent is enjoying themself at the expense of the other parent!
I would feel exactly as you do.
But, whenever I've been round to someones house and they're just 'relaxing' and doing whatever, in a normal lived in house, I've not thought anything negative of the person at all.
If your DH has friends round whenever, then they're going to have to take you as you are.
Which is so easy for me to say, when in practice I'd be horrified and a bit pissed off if I had to hide away in my own home.
There must be a compromise you can come to with him?
YANBU. Generally I'd agree it's his house too etc etc, but if you're not feeling so good, and had specifically said you don't want anyone coming over today, he should have respected that.
Your DH sounds a bit passive and unable to say no to his friends!
Why should your DH's desire to socialise with his friends always take precedence over your desire for some privacy? There should be space for both in a household.
YANBU so long as it isn't all the time. It's your house too.
I would not be happy at all with people just walking in without knocking! Who does that?
You DH needs to show a bit more consideration. Your home is your territory as well as his, and I think on the odd occasion that one half of a couple doesn't want visitors, the other half should respect that (assuming you're not always feeling like this...)
As for the open door policy, I would NOT be up for that at all. Does it apply to your friends too? Either way, I wouldn't appreciate anyone turning up unannounced, would never give the impression it was OK for them to do so and would never dream of doing the same to anyone else unless it was an unavoidable emergency.
(But then I am a bit privacy-centric...)
This sounds like hell on earth to me. I hate visitors <<misery guts emoticon>>.
He sounds quite selfish and thoughtless actually.
Sounds like hell on earth , I would hate that
Thank you for your replies, they've cheered me up. Especially the description of my home as a 'student squat' sqeakytoy, that really made me laugh as it looks just like a squat at the moment!
Re: the festival, mentioning that probably made my DH sound worse than he is... it is a one-off and I had the chance to go and did say I didn't fancy it (and still don't, especially as it's pouring down, he's welcome to it!). He normally does a lot with the children at weekends.
However, I think I'm going to have to address the friends coming in and out issues. I'm always checking the front door as closed as he leaves it off the latch and I never feel relaxed when I know someone could appear in my hallway at anytime.
My DH always says I'm 'strange' when I bring this issue up. We did have very different childhoods - my parents were quite private people who didn't have visitors very often and I was taught to knock on doors before going into someone else's bedroom at home etc. My DH's family had a guesthouse and always had people coming and going so he doesn't seem to have any concept of privacy. We did have an issue with MIL letting herself in with our spare key - this came to a head when I was struggling to feed DD (the day after coming home from hospital) and MIL suddenly appeared in front of me! I couldn't even bring myself to be polite and she eventually left. DH had a word with her and she hasn't done it since.
I agree that home should be a sanctury. I was shouting at DH earlier "This is MY home too!" and I really felt angry with him. When his friends all come over to watch football (usually one evening a week) I don't complain as long as I have a little warning. When I am having friends over, or inviting mutual friends, I always check with him first that it's a good time for him, or that it's on a night when he's busy - if I want him out the way, for a girly dvd night for example.
I usually meet my friends during the day or at weekends, and anyway they are too busy with their own families to be constantly turning up on my doorstep. DH has a few single friends who do not understand the concept of family time and will do things like turn up at 6.30pm on a weeknight asking him to join in some sporting activity they are about to do. I can't just drop everything and pop out for a hour right before the kids' bedtime and I don't expect DH to do that either.. I'm know some of those friends probably say he's 'under the thumb' when he's 'not allowed' to join them, but then that's a whole other issue..
Sorry for the rant, time to pour myself a drink and enjoy the peace and quiet for a while
In fact you have grounds to
batter him to death have a very serious sit-down chat with him.
His open front door policy ends today. He is not living alone/in a student share. He is living with his wife and child. Your home should be sacrosanct and private.
His stupid excuses about people 'inviting themselves' and 'following him' etc are bullshit.
Do what I did and TELL HIM if he repeats this that you will bluntly tell the people yourself to get out/go home. See how quick he finds his backbone.
My OH was a bit like this. Now I SAY who comes and goes seeing as he has boundary problems. I don't and I don't care about embarassing him either if his friends overstay their welcome, which they would if they got a chance.
One evening my DP had a friend over I wasn't in the humour for but I reasonably let him come anyway. Cue drinking until late and couch surfer hanging around the next day. I went in and found they had opened more cans (meaning the visitor expocted to stay another night) I dragged DP into the bedroom and explained they both needed to pack an overnight bag and I transported them elsewhere. That particular guy never took the piss again.
Being polite and nice gets you nowhere with some people. Be blunt and if you need your space let your DH see that you are prepared to make a show of him to get it.
You are Queen of your castle. Yes it's a shared house but NO OPEN DOOR POLICY. It's totally inappropriate for a family.
Blimey, they sound like children "calling" for each other! "Can you come out to play?"
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.