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AIBU?

To not want DH's female friend (ex fu*k buddy) to babysit?

97 replies

Ihatetidying · 12/08/2011 16:43

I'm 26 weeks pregnant, and I'm trying to think of who can babysit our DD (13 months) when the time to go into hospital comes.

Of course I want my mum, but DH disagrees. My folks are in their late 60's, but that's not the problem - dad smokes like mad, and the whole house reeks of it! He does refrain for a couple of hours if he knows I'm going, but the house still smells, and depending on circumstances we may not have time to forewarn them anyway. They also have two dogs, which aren't the best behaved, and my mum can be forgetful to shut the dogs out. My sister also looks after dogs, and regularly brings them to my mum's house - and lets them loose - and they're 'unknown' dogs, meaning I don't think that you can safely say how they'll react... finally the house is quite dirty :(

Ideally, mum would come here, better for DD, as her toys are here, and she's OK when mum looks after her here (also ideal if in labour at night, as her cot is here). DD cries and clings to me at my parent's, so she'd be unhappy. Only problem is my mum feels more comfortable in her own home, and dislikes being away.

Wouldn't ask my sister - she kinda ignores her own son, and he's a brat when he comes here - breaking DD's toys, and trying to pinch her (he's 10), and his mum is oblivious! Also , she'd want DD at her house - with her menagerie of animals!

So, DH has talked to his 'friend'. This is a woman he used to sleep with, before he met me, and she fell in love with him (I wrote a thread under a different name about finding her in our home recently & her being nasty about my appearance). He thinks she'd be a good person to look after DD - but I disagree, and can't think of anything worse than a spurned woman, coming into my home whilst I'm elsewhere & incapcitated, and playing 'mum' with my DD, and probably overstepping her mark, and cooking for DH too (and in general being 'helpful' - which she is like & totally WRONG!). DH is capable of cooking (he does for me now) and looking after DD while I'm in hospital, but I worry if he asks her to sit for DD, whilst baby is being born, that she'll ingratitate herself & help in other ways - besides I DON'T WANT HER HERE - SO DH COMES HOME TO HER, TALKING ABOUT OUR NEWBORN!

OP posts:

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scurryfunge · 12/08/2011 16:46

You must have a friend who can oblige?

Beamur · 12/08/2011 16:47

YANBU.
I wouldn't want her anywhere near my home, let alone playing housey while you're giving birth.
I'd be twisting your Mums arm to come and stay for a day or two, it's not that much to ask really.

mandoo · 12/08/2011 16:47

You a better woman than I if you allow that to happen. YANBU

worraliberty · 12/08/2011 16:48

Just ask your parents and make sure they keep the dogs out of the way...or ask your sister. It's only while you're giving birth isn't it?

Cocoflower · 12/08/2011 16:49

Are you the poster who posted about the "ball stretcher?"

onehellofaride · 12/08/2011 16:51

YANBU I wouldn't want her anywhere near! Speak to your DM and see if she would have her at your house

xyz2011 · 12/08/2011 16:51

YANBU and tbh your dh should know better, did he discuss this with her before asking your thoughts on it?

DogsBestFriend · 12/08/2011 16:51

OFGS this is hardly a woman he's screwed behind your back, is it?

She's a woman from the life he had before he met you and with whom he's been adult enough and comfortable enough to remain friends... I presume you had a life before meeting him too? Can your DH not have exes as friends without wanting to leap on them as soon as you're out of the picture? I have quite a few exes who are now friends, you tend to by the time you hit your mid-40's, that doesn't mean I'm shagging any of them!

If you have serious reasons, fair enough, if you were worried for the welfare of your children, understandable.

You've already given long lists of why the alternatives are unacceptable. I agree with you over the dogs which your sis cares for and which are unknown being allowed to run about unsupervised in a house with DC, btw, although not necessarily MILs dogs, so I see your point there. Your DH has suggested someone else - have you any better suggestions?

DogsBestFriend · 12/08/2011 16:53

Sorry, I meant your mother's dogs, not your MILs.

NestaFiesta · 12/08/2011 16:58

YANBU. Completely understandable. I wouldn't like it either. Some people would be OK with it, but that doesn't make you wrong.

If I were you, I'd try again with your Mum staying at yours. She may not like staying at other people's houses, but it's an emergency favour for her pregnant daughter so it's not the end of the world for her to stay a night or two out of her home.

OracleInaCoracle · 12/08/2011 16:58

Are you the poster who found a ball stretcher on the sofa when she (the friend) had been round and worried that dh still had feelings for her (dilating pupils etc)?

Ihatetidying · 12/08/2011 16:58

Err... she is not adult enough to remain just 'friends' with him - she sent him loads of really insulting emails when she discovered that he had met me... she was sleeping with him a month before me, and she's always inventing stuff for him to have to go around and 'fix' for her, before coming to my house (alone with DH) and then telling me how awful I look! And yes - he is the one who had the 'ball-stretcher' on the sofa whilst she was here alone with him.

Yes my suggestion is that either my mum comes here, sorry DogsBestFriend, but if DH doesn't want my mum, and insists on him friend, then my solution would be for DH to stay home with DD, whilst I give birth with my mum... I did tell DH when we got together that if he carried on being alone with her (she seduced him quite easily he told me) that we'd be finished, and that went in one ear and out the other - yet he goes mad at male friends I haven't ever shageed, let alone had in the house whilst he's been out

OP posts:

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 12/08/2011 16:59

YANBU I wouldn't want anyone who had been nasty to me looking after my child either.

OracleInaCoracle · 12/08/2011 17:00

Xpost. I remember that and iirc it turned out that your dh was the problem.

OracleInaCoracle · 12/08/2011 17:00

Xpost. I remember that and iirc it turned out that your dh was the problem.

Ihatetidying · 12/08/2011 17:01

My issue is I don't trust her, I don't like her (she refuses to have me on facebook, even asking DH why I would even ask her to be friends - yet she wants to babysit DD????).

She also broke off my friend and her DP, by constantly getting my friend's DP to 'help' her out, and he used to go over to hers... she has a form of needing 'help' from attached men... DH is too damned stupid to see it though!

OP posts:

xyz2011 · 12/08/2011 17:01

This woman sounds like bad news OP, I really dont understand why your DH is in contact with her.

NestaFiesta · 12/08/2011 17:02

OP, I am total agreement with you. He must put his pregnant wife's feelings before hers. From what you are telling us, I personally don't think their friendship is compatible with your marriage and it sounds like she is still trying it on to be honest.

jeckadeck · 12/08/2011 17:02

YANBU. Frankly, after having seen your second post I find it quite extraordinary that your DH thinks its appropriate. It would be one thing if she was a very very old flame and it was water under the bridge. As she's clearly still got a thing for him your DH shouldn't have anything to do with her, let alone think she should be a good person to babysit your child when you're in labour, ffs. Have serious words with him about this -- either he is being extaordinarily innocent about it or he's up to something.
And yes, I'd ask your sister. Regardless of her parenting she must be preferable to this woman. Is there no-one else you can ask.

xyz2011 · 12/08/2011 17:03

It sounds to me and correct me if I am wrong, is that she totally disregards you in the relationship with DH?

Dozer · 12/08/2011 17:07

Your dh needs a slap.

Cocoflower · 12/08/2011 17:07

I remember your thread. You dyed your hair and she told you how awful it was?

Your DH also spends a ridiculous amount of time going to her house to fix her computers whilst making you son pay him to fix his- have I remembered right?

I can't believe your DH would suggest such an awful idea. You need to be relaxed as possible right now and when giving birth. Knowing she is at your home wont help at all!

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OracleInaCoracle · 12/08/2011 17:08

here is the original thread. Op, your dh is a huge part of the problem. I wouldn't be comfortable either, but he has shown zero respect for you and imo is just as bad as her, if they aren't having an affair then he is definately playing her and you off on each other.

OracleInaCoracle · 12/08/2011 17:08

here is the original thread. Op, your dh is a huge part of the problem. I wouldn't be comfortable either, but he has shown zero respect for you and imo is just as bad as her, if they aren't having an affair then he is definately playing her and you off on each other.

YouDoTheMath · 12/08/2011 17:12

It's one thing having exes as friends, but quite another when said ex is making it clear that they still carry a torch for someone who is now in a stable relationship.

I'd be questioning why precisely he's still encouraging this woman when she clearly has limited respect for you.

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