to think this is Very Cheeky.....

[rockinhippy]

Long story short..... DD has a core group of 3 friends since Nursery, parties have always included this same gang & since starting School added 3 others, as she's got older the parties have got smaller - as they do, so its ended up being this group of close friends only........that was until earlier this year when 1 of these friends (I'll call her X for ease) had a small birthday treat day out & invited all the others - bar DD :( - we were shocked too, as we've always got on well with Xs parents too, not best friends or anything, but liked them & they seemed to like us - I was even offering to help out with childcare when they split up & this was taken up & we had X here at short notice etc

DD was naturally upset, but handled it with a lot of dignity - that was until X then started to rub her nose in it at School - kept telling her if someone pulled out then she would get an invite next - if i do as I tell you, then I'll ask if you can come too etc etc -one DC did drop out & X then invited another DC new to the School - DD was heartbroken- lots of School spats, Dd being excluded from the group of friends as X was using her party invites to control the others, so I had a word with the Teacher as was worried DD might eventually blow up on her "friend" - Teacher was equally as shocked & sad for my DD, but said it explained a lot & would keep an eye on the situation - etc etc - anyway Party was over & done with, we took DD on a better day out to try & console her - which worked & things have calmed down at School, though the friendship is naturally soured, DD has been very grown up about it, though not sure how she'll play it at her own Birthday yet, but at this age (9) I will support her in whatever her choice is.

Roll forward to this morning & I've just had a phone call from Xs Dad - asking me for the phone number of another of the group of friends, as X wants to invite her out, he says lost all his numbers - never mentions X & DD meeting up at all - just wants a phone number to invite others- I was probably a bit childish & didn't give it to him as I was a bit he would have the cheek to ask me & also DD took the call & I saw how excited she was - obviously expecting an invite herself :(

Am I being unreasonable to think in the circumstances this is just plain bloody cheeky if not a bit cruel

[BimboNo5]

Huh?

[BimboNo5]

If this is about your DD being left out from a group of friends I totally get it. My DD has a close group of friends (say 4) in school and the parents are up each others arses (not mine though needless to say) so meet up all the time, my DD is never invited. I just try to encourage her to find other friends and think theres plenty of time in their lives to find friendships out of school.

[Tanif]

That does seem pretty harsh. It's the kind of behaviour that you expect from 9 year old girls but not really something you would expect from a parent.

Maybe I'm being silly, but I wouldn't call the parent of a child I wasn't inviting on a day out, to get the number of one that I was. And if the child I wasn't inviting answered the phone, I'd offer to take them as well just as common courtesy! Did he actually tell your DD why he was calling?

[SuePurblybilt]

The Dad is split up from the Mum so may not know the full story or have been involved in the party I guess.
But I don't blame you being off with him, your poor DD . I cannot understand parents who allow or encourage that type of meanness.

[festi]

YABVU dont get involved or upset over childrens friendships, the child can invite who she wants when she wants. honestly it will make your dd feel left out or give her a snce of entitlent to anything that her friends are doing.

[Nancy66]

He was being cheeky - and I wouldn't have given him the number either.

I feel sorry for your DD but that's the way childhood friendships pan out - they come and they go. there's not much you can do about it. I think you need to encourage her to step away from this group and make new friends.

Are there any other girls in her class that she likes that you could have over in the holidays?

[GypsyMoth]

Just leave it...... They are moving on, you can't force friendships.

[StealthPolarBear]

yes it was cheeky
and i don't think it shows a sense of entitlement to expect to be included in your group of friends

[piedpiper4]

No I don't think YABU.
I'm in the same situation myself with my dd (7) who had a very best friend for years. For some reason the Mother decided that my dd wasn't good enough and has actively sought to change her dd's bf. As a parent, this has been heart breaking to watch so I can quite understand how you feel. (Btw I think the reason is that my dd is extremely shy, and finds it very difficult to talk to people, particularly adults. Ex-bf's Dad perceived this as rudeness even though I'd explained it time and again....and the rest as they say, is history)

[yoshiLunk]

Maybe the parents of X, or the Dad in particular, is not aware of any friction between the children.

How did you leave it with him, wasn't it a bit awkward when you refused to give the number?

I think I would have just given it and asked "how do you think the girls are getting on now, - any better after their fall out?"

[Oakmaiden]

It is a shame for your dd that she wasn't invited to the party, and that the "X" was being so blatant about it. Sadly this is what girls that age do though. I think girls just start to realise that they can manipulate their friends through this sort of thing, and so it all seems to get a bit out of control.

However, I think in general you are being unreasonable to not give the Dad the other girl's phone number. X is allowed to make friends outside her "nursery group" whilst still remaining friends with your dd. It may even be that some of her new friends will become more important to her than your dd. This is life - children shouldn't be forced to retain other children as their "best friends" just because their parents are friends or because they have been friends a long time. The Dad clearly had no idea it was an issue for you and was asking a family friend for a phone number - and that family friend refused to help....

I suggest you actively encourage you daughter to widen her freiendship group too.

[handsomeharry]

I do think that it was cheeky. Even if the dad wasn't aware of the dynamic of the girls' friendship it is still an insensitive thing to do.
I do feel so sorry for your DD. I get upset when DS has a fall out with a friend even though I try not to. It's just horrible to watch them being hurt.

I think Nancy66 has the right idea.

[Birdsgottafly]

YANBU, however, was the little girls behaviour linked with the breakup? I know that it is no consolation to your DD or you but it sounds typicle behaviour of a DC whos going through major changes in her life.

It is a shame that you didn't speak to the parents at the time, instead of the teacher. You don't have to stay silent, you re letting this build up instead of casually mentioning it, to both parents.

The friendship may just be running its course or it may get back on track, you will have to take a step back but protect her (not fight her battles) whilst it sorts its self out (which they do).

[Bluesue26]

I don't think YABU. Granted X's Dad probably didn't know a thing about it and, please don't flame me for this but, I think men in general aren't very sensitive to these situations so I'm guessing he wouldn't have realised how it came across. I would encourage your DD to make other friendships. Take her out and make a fuss of her and how much you like being with her. I guess her self esteem might have taken a bit of a knock. My DD is 5 and the girls in her class are forever telling each other who can and can't come to their parties - I just tell her to ignore it.

[fedupofnamechanging]

YANBU. I would have taken the opportunity to talk to the dad about his daughters behaviour wrt the party and how hurt your own dd has been by it. He is probably completely unaware and so if you just refused to give him the numbers without explaining why, it doesn't help your dd any.

Agree that you need to help her find new friends outside of this environment.

The other thing to remember is that kids can be very changeable at this age and are likely to have made up and forgotten all about it years before their parents stop giving each other death stares across the playground.

[rockinhippy]

Thanks for the replies :) -

I think I should add though, Dad is the main carer, DCs live with him

Also that I DON"T try & force her friendships & at the time of the party did explain to DD that X is old enough to make her own mind up on who to invite to her party, can't be friends with everyone, fall outs happen etc etc - DD is very confident & does (thankfully) make friends easily & is very popular in class - this seemed to be the core of the problem with X, & resulted in lots of remarks about DD being "nerdy" & rubbish at school work, ugly, buck teeth (not the case shes very pretty) etc, which I tried to explain to DD might really be down to her feeling sad about her parents splitting up - though I'm told X has coped fine though -

DD was actually quite worried & sad for her friend, but has gone on to accept that the friendship is not what it was & thats just life & has recently been talking about her own Birthday & wondering what to do about inviting X - shall I or Shan't I - coming down in the end to - yes I will invite her as I know its not nice to feel left out.

I don't think he mentioned inviting the other DC to DD, but DD is bright enough to know that is WHY he was ringing - hence her excitement & then massive disappointment - she's bored as it is :(

I got out of giving him the number as I fibbed a bit in not having the numbers due to mobile phone problems - which was actually true until yesterday - new mobile has been a 1st class PITA & the courtesy phone they gave me wiped all my numbers - thankfully they popped up again on getting my phone back yesterday

[PuppyMonkey]

YANBU - it's not just cheeky, it's incredibly cruel.

Best that they sort some of these issues out now because when they get to about Year 8 at school, that's when the bitchy friend stuff will kick off big time. X sounds like she could be a but of a one by that age IMHO.

[diddl]

I think that YWNBU.

Do these children not have surnames so that he could have looked at least one of them up himself

[picnicbasketcase]

I'm sorry to say that if that happned to me, the red mist would have descended and I would've told him just how rude, thoughtless and cruel he was being, to phone up and ask your help whilst excluding your child. Bloody nerve.

[rockinhippy]

Also should perhaps ad - at the time of the party I had intended to speak with Xs parents, but the opportunity didn't really arise & I was a bit taken aback when I was speaking with the Dad & just about to bring it up - he suddenly broke off & went off to speak to new DC parents to invite her right in front of me & due to break up & numbers changing etc I didn't have numbers to phone - had intended to bring it up at some point, but its months ago now & the time seemed to have passed, especially as the bitchiness was under control again, thanks to DDs brilliant Teacher - & he caught me on the hop this morning

[rockinhippy]

Best that they sort some of these issues out now because when they get to about Year 8 at school, that's when the bitchy friend stuff will kick off big time. X sounds like she could be a but of a one by that age IMHO

Interesting reply puppy - definitely food for thought there - ironically it was the other DC, the one he wanted the number for that has always been the one that looked like the likeliest to head that way, as she can be quite manipulative in getting the others to do her dirty work for her - IYSWIM - the 2 of them together could be big trouble for later - though very glad to say DDs School is brilliant at dealing with this sort of thing & the group is likely to be split up on heading to year 7 anyway

Thankfully just had a call from another old friend, who DD was at nursery with DD & we don't see often as they moved out of town, so DD is now jumping for joy at seeing her old friend for a picnic in the park later :)


Thank you all for your replies, lots of you agreeing it is cheeky has decided me that I will be speaking to the Dad on this when I do see him next - THANK YOU :)

[skybluepearl]

are they best friends? do they mostly only play with eachother? if not then of course she wouldn't be invited to party.

[skybluepearl]

it does sound like the party girl is being manipulative though. the best thing you can do is make new friends by the sounds of it

[nenevomito]

Yes I think its very cheeky to call up a parent to ask for another child's contact details, when your child has deliberately excluded the child of the parent you have called.

"I will exclude you until I need something for you" no matter what the back-story is is a bit, well, shit, really!