Huge argument with my NPD mum. It's definitely over now.(7 Posts)
She told me today that she never liked me, she never wanted to live near me and couldn't care less about me or my son. She had had an argument with my elder sister and wanted me to take her side.
When I suggested she might have been in the wrong about making nasty comments about big sisters children, she started having a go at me that I always take my sister's side.
I told her to stop overreacting over everything and the argument escalted very quickly....and she said she's never liked me anyway and put the phone down. She has stopped getting on with everyone anyway and moved into a home. No one sees her much and now she's upset that I've lessened contact also. I feel awful for just wanting her to die...she does nothing but bring misery to everyone around her. Is this the point I sever ties and leave her completely alone?
For a while, at least, I think. It would be hard to forgive a comment such as "I never liked you".
I don't advocate playing games, but if I were you I'd not ring her for a while. See if she rings you. If she does, and gives you grief for not ringing, you could say "I thought you needed some time to cool off after our last conversation."
I feel for you.
It's not uncommon to find ourselves in a situation where we, effectively, have to parent our parent(s). When that time comes it is my opinon that we should endeavour to treat our elders in the way that we hope to be treated when we are their age.
Rightly or wrongly, your dm may be feeling that she has been
shunted moved into a home and conveniently forgotten about by her dc.
I suggest you visit her for an hour or so once or twice week; take her small gifts/special treats (her favourite biscuits/cake/flowers), be upbeat and cheerful and refuse to be drawn into any disagreement.
I know it can be easier said than done but please try your best as, regardless of how you currently feel about her and whether you act on my advice, your dm's eventual death will inevitably cause you to reflect on what more you could have done to ease her final years.
You may regret feeling the way you do about your dm, but you will have no cause for regret if you prove to yourself that you are the bigger person in your relationship with her.
Has she always been this way or is it only with age that she has become so bitter? If the latter, could it be the onset of dementia or some other illness that is affecting her.
She sounds like she's talking about herself. "I never liked you anyway" classic sour grapes isn't it?
Hope you're oK?
If you're sure she's not got dementia and has got NPD then you're right not to have contact.
If there is any doubt in your mind that she's not got NPD and is just old and demented then I do think you will feel regret for cutting her out of your life.
Motivation wise, feeling sorry for someone is no way to function in a relationship.
Wait until you feel compassionately toward yourself and her before/ if you make contact.
Stay safe though!
If she has been a bitch to you your entire life and this is utterly the last straw for you, then yes, this is the time to let go.
However - if you will feel horrible guilt when she dies if you have not seen or spoken to her since this incident, then you need to decide what level of contact you can bear, after a suitable period of getting over her recent evil comment.
My grandmother would make hurtful comments sometimes when she was in the early savages of dementia, if you think there is a chance that she could be beginning to suffer from this condition, I would cut her some slack. In many ways people with this condition become very childlike and while the comments are very hurtful you should try to think of it as a youngster making a comment to get a reaction.
Of course if she isn't suffering from dementia, then her comment is absolutely inexcusable.......
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