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To not want my husband to go for dinner and drinks alone with another woman

(68 Posts)
snarks Thu 11-Aug-11 23:26:09

Husband works away during the week (stays at a hotel) and I recently found out that he had gone out for dinner and drinks with a female work colleague. He told me, but only when I had specifically quizzed him about who he was out with. I have had my suspicions about him fancying her for a while.
AIBU to be pissed off about this?

notlettingthefearshow Thu 11-Aug-11 23:29:20

If you tend to get jealous, he probably didn't want to mention it, so don't read anything into it.

You do need a lot of trust in this situation. If you overreact, he might just not tell you anymore and be tempted to lie to cover up.

It depends if you seriously worry that a. he fancies her and b. he would ever do anything about this.

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Aug-11 23:30:17

I'm not sure, it depends on what kind of a man he is.

I presume he didn't tell you because he guessed you'd be suspicious, is there any reason for you to feel like that?

skybluepearl Thu 11-Aug-11 23:31:38

Are you the jelous type? Is there anything really to be jelous of? If he loves you he will stay with you.

FriggFRIGG Thu 11-Aug-11 23:33:23

Hmmm,i wouldnt like it personally....and id be upset.

JockTamsonsBairns Thu 11-Aug-11 23:35:10

Not sure if this would bother me or not. What has made you suspicious that he has fancied her for a while? It rests on this really. If it's just dinner and drinks with a work colleague who happens to be female, and you're feeling insecure about that part, then I think YABU. However, if you have good reason to have your suspicions raised, and think there's something else going on here, then obviously YANBU.

Need more information here I think.

Gillg57 Thu 11-Aug-11 23:36:01

I quite often have to work away from home and on occasion have had a meal and drink with a male work colleague. Why not? We're both away from home and need to eat. There's nothing more to it than that. The question is more why does this particular woman seem to be a threat?

piprabbit Thu 11-Aug-11 23:37:37

Working away from home can be very lonely. I've experience of a couple of industries where there is a high rate of alcoholism among men who stay away from home during the week.

Your DH is probably glad of the chance for a bit of company and the chance to share a meal with someone (instead of sitting with a book at a table for one).

So what if the woman does or doesn't fancy your DH a bit - the person you need to worry about is your DH. Do you trust him?

squeakytoy Thu 11-Aug-11 23:37:58

YABU unless there is any real reason for you to think there is more to it than a work relationship.

My job meant I was away from home a lot and on sites with male colleagues, staying in the same hotel too, it would be odd if I hadnt socialised with them in the evening too.

StealthPolarBear Thu 11-Aug-11 23:38:06

depends on the context and whether you trust him really. If he's travelling with a colleague I'd find it odd if they didn't eat together tbh. but then there are other factors, which only you know

piprabbit Thu 11-Aug-11 23:39:06

Sorry - just reread and realised you are concerned that your Dh fancies her. The question remains the same though - do you trust him?

MadamDeathstare Thu 11-Aug-11 23:39:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well if DH was away for work and a female colleague was also away then surely it would be weird if they didn't eat together - unless one was v.tired and got room service?

In the dim and distant past I used to travel for work, and shared many a meal and glass of wine with a colleague. Male, female, married, single. Some married men tried to shag me, most didn't. Only you know whether you trust your husband.

NattersAndMutters Thu 11-Aug-11 23:42:17

What are people supposed to do, eat alone in different restaurants? I used to work in a job that took me away all the time, mostly with male colleagues. I have had dinner/drinks with dozens of different blokes in this situation. Some of them I got on well with, some not. It really is not a big deal. Normally I would rather have been somewhere else with someone else, but you either make the best of it or sit on your own and be miserable.

MadamDeathstare Thu 11-Aug-11 23:45:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JockTamsonsBairns Thu 11-Aug-11 23:48:54

There must have been several colleagues travelling away together, otherwise you wouldn't have had to 'specifically quiz' him as to who he'd been out with? In those circumstances, it would surely have been quite normal for everyone to eat/drink together? Is it the fact that he and this female work colleague appear to have separated from the group to eat which has pissed you off?

Sorry OP, just trying to work this one out on the limited information. I'm a SAHM now - travelling with work etiquette is a lifetime ago for me!

Whatmeworry Thu 11-Aug-11 23:49:39

It's quite normal for work colleagues to have dinner and drinks together when away on business and in the same hotel, in fact it would be odd not to. You have to trust your DP.

PeterSpanswick Fri 12-Aug-11 00:08:18

What what said!

rachiroo Fri 12-Aug-11 00:26:46

hi my partner works away from home too, and i think the main point here is trust, because if this continues to bother you it'll just eat away at u inside, and he might get fed up of you always asking who hes with which is not good for your relationship. It sounds harsh saying that youre being unreasonable because youre not, but at the same time i think that you dont have anything to worry about, its just 2 collegues eating dinner (not too dis similar to a lunch in a canteen!) and if you talked to him hed be able to re assure you too x

snarks Fri 12-Aug-11 06:24:01

Trust is definitely the issue here but I probably need to add some more info! Husband and I have been together 8 yrs and he has worked away for the last 5 yrs, during which time I have never had a problem being suspicious of what he's up to.

He's not travelling for work as such, but he goes to the same place every week and stays at the same hotel. There is a large group of his work colleagues who do the same and he often socialises with them.

My suspicions have been raised as, one night a few months ago, he didn't call home in the evening and I didn't get any answer to my calls/texts to him. This has never happened before and when I asked him what had happened he said he had just been really caught up socialising with a colleague - which was the first time her name came up. Since then, there have been a few minor things to make me suspicious but the main one being that she gave him an expensive gift. When I questioned this, he said it was something she had upgraded and she gives people things like that all the time but it sounded very odd to me. I did (semi-jokingly) ask if they were having an affair and he said "Oh no, she'd never do that - she's far too professional", which did not exactly reassure me!!

If I am honest, then part of the problem is that I am SAHM and spend most of my evenings sat in front of the tv/computer so I am a bit jealous of the going out aspect. However, there is something that just keeps niggling me about this woman.

livinonaprayer Fri 12-Aug-11 06:35:34

Agree that's not a hugely reassuring thing for him to respond with but sometimes people don't think before they speak. Is it possible that he was trying to make a joke IYSWIM.
Also he seems to be being quite upfront with you, telling you when he's been with her and about the gift etc. IME this would not necessarily be the case if there was something to hide.

olibeansmummy Fri 12-Aug-11 06:41:36

If there were other collegues there then I would NOT be happy. The phone call thing would piss me off the most, that he was so wrapped up in this woman he forgot about you and your dc. No that would not be ok.

snarks Fri 12-Aug-11 07:02:00

He hadn't really been that upfront tbh, the information was only revealed after some further questioning on my part.
The other colleagues would have been in the hotel, but apparently had all decided to stay in their rooms that night. It could be true I suppose? I am worried that I am starting to lose all rational perspective on this but, short of going down to the hotel and hiding behind a pot plant in the bar all night, I don't know what I can do!

fedupofnamechanging Fri 12-Aug-11 07:23:34

I'm a great believer in trusting your instincts. If this is giving you a niggling feeling of unease, but you are not generally a jealous person and don't usually have a problem with him being away and with other colleagues then imo you shouldn't ignore it.

Apart from anything else, people gossip and even if this turns out to be innocent, I don't think a married person should be seen spending too much time alone with the same colleague. It's not good if people get the wrong idea and i think him taking gifts from her and having dinner alone with her on a regular basis creates the wrong impression.

If this was my husband, I would be having a very frank discussion. I'd tell him he is crossing a line taking gifts, that it was making me feel uncomfortable (especially the having so much fun with her he didn't bother to call home) and that I want him to cool it. I'd ask that he didn't have dinner with her alone.

Does he need to be away this regularly, or do you suspect this is more of a social thing than a strictly necessary for work thing?

porcamiseria Fri 12-Aug-11 09:08:57

hmmm. if I travel for work I wuld have dinner and rinks with a male collegue and ts no biggie, what are they supposed to do, eat solo in their room having solo club sandwiches

what I want to say the act is itself is not suspicious

BUT if there is a smidigen of lust between them, keep an eye on it

the depressing thing is that I am not quite sure what you can do, have some firm words and mkake him realise what he has to lose if he does anything, and make him realise that you are onto him

god this is not helpful is it, but I would be suspiscius too, and its not being jel, its fighting for your family and I would go ape shit too

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