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To be absolutely furious with H

(30 Posts)
besidemyself Thu 11-Aug-11 22:02:20

H and DS1 (10), do karate at the local sports hall on Thursdays. DS attends the junior class from 7-8.30. H attends the senior class from 8-9.30 (overlap intended). We live in a smallish, well-lit community and there are no crossings or anything on the route between our house and the sports hall.

We have two younger DCs (3 and 5). So what's been happening is that DS1 will walk or scoot over to the sports hall or I will take him with the younger DCs (no car). He then trains, changes and scoots home arriving at about 8.45. It's still lightish then here.

Tonight he didn't come home. DD1 was asleep but DS2 wasn't or I would've gone out to look for him. I rang DH's phone a million times and was on the brink of getting the kids up and going out to look for him when he and DH turned up together. I'd already tried the next door neighbours to see if they were in but they weren't.

DH had got DS1 to stay on as he (DH), was getting a new belt. He 'thought it was obvious' that he'd get DS to stay on. He didn't check his phone or think to tell me. It would've taken him 30 seconds to send me a text.

I AM FURIOUS. I seriously thought something may have happened to DS. DH is saying bullshit like "I'm sorry you were scared", and "I thought it was obvious what had happened". No real apology or admitting he was thoughtless.

I want to rip his head off! AIBU?

JeremyVile Thu 11-Aug-11 22:04:25

Just a little miscommunication. These things happen.

besidemyself Thu 11-Aug-11 22:05:42

If H had made any attempt to communicate I wouldn't be so cross. It can't be a miscommunication without any attempt to communicate surely?

LivingEdwardMunchPainting Thu 11-Aug-11 22:06:17

Roundhouse kick in the nads may be more appropriate than head-ripping, in the circumstances.

gapants Thu 11-Aug-11 22:06:58

He has apologised, and AFAI can see he has recognised that you were worried. If there is a "next time", tell him he needs to text you so you dont worry. Sounds like you got a big fright which is unpleasant but your DH has apologised and acted responsibly in that he didn't let DS walk home without him. ((((shrugs)))))

CurrySpice Thu 11-Aug-11 22:07:21

TBH that would really grip my shit too

besidemyself Thu 11-Aug-11 22:09:06

His apology was one of those shit non-apologies. "I'm sorry you were scared" and "I'm sorry you feel that way". Not "oh my god darling I am so sorry, you must've been terrified".

JeremyVile Thu 11-Aug-11 22:10:19

You're right, its not a micommunication.

He is an abusive manipulative bastard and probably ahving an affair.

Leave the fucker.

besidemyself Thu 11-Aug-11 22:11:44

No, no, this is AIBU not relationships - am just waiting for 'YABU to let your DS come home alone at that time of night'

I feel U about that now actually sad

Bogeyface Thu 11-Aug-11 22:18:16

Well I would be mad.

To change a long standing arrangement without letting you know is not on. As far as you are concerned your DS comes home before his dad and without being told any different you are supposed to just know that he was staying behind this time?

No it isnt obvious, no it isnt miscommunication. It is thoughtless and inconsiderate and I would be bloody fuming not only at the fact he didnt bother to get in touch, but the fact that he clearly cant see anything wrong with the situation.

mayorquimby Thu 11-Aug-11 22:18:39

I'd say your over-reacting and being unreasonable.
As for his shit apology in your eyes would you prefer he gave an insincere one? he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong so to start grovelling and apologising for his behaviour would seem patronising. He's sorry his actions caused you to get upset but he's not apologising for them.
Just a miscommunication.

Bogeyface Thu 11-Aug-11 22:20:15

MQ I disagree that it is miscommunication. If there has been no communication at all then it cant be misunderstood can it?

And what if the child hadnt stayed behind but something had happened to him. I am bloody sure that the OPs DH wouldnt have been ok with the fact that she had sat at home doing nothing because she assumed that the DS was with his dad, because it was "obvious"

besidemyself Thu 11-Aug-11 22:24:45

Yeah. Okay, DS was fine. That's great. But I spent an eternity (felt like it), frantic not knowing if I should be running out leaving the younger DCs alone or waiting and hoping. And when they got back, DH said "oh I thought it was obvious".

It was not fucking obvious. And he admits that on his part it was a spur of the moment thing (keeping DS back to watch H get his belt), so it's not like he thought we had an arrangement or anything.

It would've taken him 30 secs to text me, or he could've got DS to use his phone and text me and not interrupted his training at all. It's the fact it didn't even occurr to him to do that which really gets me. I'd never do that to him.

squeakytoy Thu 11-Aug-11 22:27:21

Has your son ever stayed on before like this?

besidemyself Thu 11-Aug-11 22:29:44

No, never ever ever. He used to attend the beginner's class from 6.30-8 and H would collect him and miss the first few mins of his class doing the round trip. I wasn't that happy about DS coming home alone when he went up to juniors but the light evenings swayed me.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 11-Aug-11 22:34:17

"I'm sorry you were scared" is absolutely not an apology. An apology is where you apologise for something that you have done. You take responsibility for what has happened. "I'm sorry you were scared" does neither. The presence of the word sorry is misleading.

I wonder how he'd react to being expected to sleep on the couch tonight? Because TBH, I would have thought it was obvious ...

Erm.............I really don't know what to say on response to your overeaction.

besidemyself Thu 11-Aug-11 22:37:55

'you are overreacting, have some more wine'?

fancy a cheese toastie now!

squeakytoy Thu 11-Aug-11 22:39:24

To be fair, if it isnt far, your son could have run home to tell you and run back again then.. so it would be a bit worrying if he has never stayed on before and is always back at a regular time. But I wouldnt have a huge argument over it either.

besidemyself Thu 11-Aug-11 22:40:31

Yeah whereyouleftit it was the shitness of the apology which got me.

You know what he just said? Just now? When he asked if I was okay and I said no not really I'm still upset and he said

"oh I thought you were over that now". Because I didn't yell at him while DS was doing the whole water tooth brush bed thing.

Poor downtrodden H I am sure.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 11-Aug-11 22:47:37

Give your ds a cheap PAYG mobile so that he can let you know if he is going to be late home.

NingNang Thu 11-Aug-11 23:06:23

Agree, no miscommunication, but he obviously mis-thunk.

The problem is with the lack of acknowledgement of your feelings. Maybe he's feeling a bit defensive after being confronted by a very frantic wife. He's not likely to make the same mistake again.

besidemyself Thu 11-Aug-11 23:12:54

It's not the first time something like this has happened sad He 'lost' DD a couple of years ago (when she was 3) - on the beach. He took her off to rockpool then came back without her 'oh she wandered off, I thought she'd gone back to you'.

Worst 20 minutes of my life but it was water off a duck's back to him and he expresses surprise to this day that it affected me as badly as it did.

harecare Thu 11-Aug-11 23:13:18

He was wrong, he apologised. Calm down and make sure he and DS know never to be intentionally late without letting you know in future.

Bogeyface Thu 11-Aug-11 23:14:13

Harecare "I am sorry you over reacted" is not an apology, which is basically what he said!

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