WWYD - brother taking the p***? (long post!)

[uppermillcarpo]

First post on MN - getting fed up of DB's behaviour!

26yr old DB graduated about 4yrs ago with good degree. Afterwards, he moved back in with mum, who was recently divorced from dad. DB never entirely "normal" if that's the right way to put it- very socially awkward, no friends, no girlfriends (or boyfriends!) that we know of, and incredibly poor personal hygiene. Despite this, can be very charming, and outgoing when he "chooses" to be.

Fast forward 4 yrs - no job (and no inclination to get one) mainly as DM provides all pocket money for him. He's not even applied for any - I've done more job hunting for him than he has. DM refuses to let him get a job "below" him since he has a degree.

Issues have arised as I think he is taking her for a ride. DM has a new partner now, they have just moved in, DB moved into his house with them. As a result, his social life revolves around them - cinema, dinners etc! She still cooks for him, does all his washing, drives him places. Think DM's partner loathes the situation, but far too polite to say anything.

DM and partner are now trying to sell his house to buy a joint place together. DB still no intention of finding his own place. However, he won't even help keep the house he is staying in (completely rent free) clean for viewings. I argued the point with DM that he is perfectly able bodied 26 yr old man and she needs to start being cruel to be kind - ie demanding rent, setting deadline for moving out, finding job, to make him start living his own life. However, she is always making excuses for him, and gets very defensive when I bring this up. She changes the subject if I ask about him now, so obviously she must feel awkward about the situation too.

So WWYD - how can I get him to start his own life without burdening DM forever? Or AIBU and just stay out of it all?

[Littlefish]

I think that if your mother is prepared to put up with the situation, then there is very little that you can do at the moment, whatever your thoughts on the matter.

[pjmama]

This is really your mum's problem and she's made no indication that she wants your help or opinion. I'd keep out if it.

[uppermillcarpo]

Hmmm... the 26yr old toddler is quite a good description!

Think I just fell sad for both of them.

Sad for DM as she did a great job, and now deserves to be happy and make her own life with her new partner and sad for DB as I feel like he's in the process of missing out on an entire decade of his life (of which your 20s should be their best IMHO!).

Feel like he needs a bit of kick-yourself-up-the-ass-itis and not sure if I'm the best one to deliver it.

[Spuddybean]

not much you can do apart from try to convince her she's not actually doing him any favours. Does she see him with a partner, children, successful job in the future? if so how he is running out of time.

How will he explain the gap on his cv to an employer? saying i wouldn't take a job beneath me wont impress i'm afraid. I laughed out loud when you said that in your op.

My job is finding work/internships for graduates and they are starting on the lowest rung in central London on 13k per annum.

Newsflash! degrees mean bollox all. i spend most of my time trying to convince grads and their parents that just as they have a degree does not mean they will get a managerial position.

Their sense of entitlement is staggering. I have had to argue that writing 'i will not work for under 45k' on the first line of your cv is not going to get you a job.

I am 34, have a degree, have worked for uni's and art institutions in central London for 10 years and have still never earned more than 37k. I have been cleaning when i was recently made redundant and was glad of the job!

Part of a parents role is to prepare their child for life, your mum isn't doing this sadly.

[AngelDelightIsFab]

Unfortunately, your DM has to reach her breaking point. Only she can do anything about the situation. Sounds like she may be feeling guilty or responsible somehow for who he is or his situation, hence there may be emotional baggage attached to this situation that no amount of effort on your behalf will change. The best thing you can do is leave your DM and DB to sort it out themselves. Don't drive yourself crazy over a situation you most likely can have no control or influence over. Frustrating as hell. I've been there too...it's like banging your head against a wall or feeling like your the only one with any common sense!