To be a bit perplexed with friend?

[pink4ever]

I have a very good friend who had her 3rd dc four months ago. Dc is exclusively bf. Friend is having a very hard time as she is up at least 5 times a night. She quite frankly looks ill and like she needs a night off.

I suggested to her she could begin to express as at least that way her dh could do some of the night time feeds. Also gps live very near by and I know they would love to watch the baby for a few hours while my friend caught up on sleep. I also offered her my own unused breast pump-I couldnt bf due to shite nipples(btw this is not a bf v ff thread-I support bf)

Friend says she doesnt want to express as cant be bothered faffing about with bottles(again I offered her bottles,steriliser etc). Am I BU to be perplexed by this decision?. To me her catching up on a bit of sleep is worth the small amount of "hassle" that expressing would entail.

I am worried that friend is slighty pnd as she often looks weepy/stressed. Yes before I get flamed I know this is entirely normal(3 dcs) but she did say her hv had also mentioned the possibility.

What else can I do to help? I would be able to look after baby for her if she expressed and have told her I would love to do so.

[Sn0wflake]

You can only be supportive...she may change her mind.

[Sandalwood]

I would think on her 3rd DC she knows how successful/pita she'll find expressing.

You could offer to do something with the other 2 DC? .....if your offering.

[WhatFreshHellIsThis]

Can you look after her other children? I would probably have been happier about someone coming round and taking older DS to the park when DS2 was born, rather than having to express and all that so that someone could look after the baby.

If you went round and read to the older ones and minded the baby between feeds/while it was napping, she could get some sleep and then wake up for feeds?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Perhaps everything just feels like too much effort at the moment so she can't do the things that would make her life easier in the long run because she feels too run down.

Can you or GP watch the baby during the day between feeds to give her a bit more of a break which might just be enough for her to be able to cope. Hopefully, when she is coping a bit better expressing won't seem so much of a faff.

[WhiteTrash]

Ive got a 2 month old ds, my best mates have too. One has a 3 month old and the other a 2 month old. Recently we all tried expressing and bottle feeding. All of us found it a bit 'difficult' to do as them taking the bottle meant they no longer totally depended on us. Expressed milk or not, its not a decision some women take lighlty. So perhaps the bottle just isnt for her just yet.

[twolips]

I found expressing disproportionately hard work wrt the payoff, maybe your friend does too.

[thisisyesterday]

yes, i think you are being unreasonable for being perplexed at why your friend doesn't want to do things your way.

i never expressed for ds2 or ds3. it WAS just too faffy, ds2 wouldn't even take a bottle, never tried with ds3.
i didn't WANT a night out, i wanted and enjoyed being with my baby, even though he woke a lot at night.

what I loved however, was when my best friend came round and looked after my elder children while I took a nap. that was heaven for me.

to you the hassle of expressing is worth it. to her it isn't. why can't you just respect that decision?

[VeronicaCake]

I found expressing a pita and also bad for my mood. I could only ever get off 1-2oz a time which meant at least 3 separate expressing sessions to prepare one feed. Leaving DH with 5oz of expressed milk at night might mean I got an extra 1.5-2hrs sleep so it really didn't make sense.

One of my friends found expressing really bad for her mood too. It doesn't have all the positive cuddly things that go with breastfeeding so it can feel really demoralising. If this is your friend's 3rd DC I'm sure she knows whether or not expressing is right for her by now.

If the baby is going through the 4m sleep regression hopefully she is in a temporary hell. I agree that helping with the older children might be a more welcome form of assistance.

[Verahaspurpletwuntypants]

Stay close and let her know you are there if she needs you.

I wish I had had a friend like you when I has dd1 exbf and had PND.

Although I must add, that when I had PND I didn't see things normally, and someone offering to help came across as them saying I was a bad mother. They weren't but the PND made me see things like that.

Go round make her a cup of tea, and pamper her a bit maybe?

[DisgustedofTumbridgeWells]

Maybe her baby won't take a bottle and she can't be bothered faffing around trying to get him / her to take one (and all the screaming and crying that entails)?

[Anomaly]

I can express very easily if I did it every day. I also found that getting a breastfed baby to take a bottle needs them to have a bottle regularly. For me the effort involved in expressing daily wasn't worth it at all. I think she would probably appreciate help with the older children rather than the baby. I know for me that would have been much more helpful especially as I'm not good at leaving my babies with anyone other than their Daddy until they're six months or so.

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

I tried that with my first one. Faffed about sterilising breastpump and bottles, expressing in between constant feeding to save up enough for a feed, only to find that:

1. Baby completely refused to have anything to do with the bottle of milk I'd spent hours preparing.
   
   
2. I had to feed him anyway as my breasts felt like they were going to explode.
   
   So didn't even bother trying with the second, I agree that someone taking the toddlers out for the afternoon while baby napped was more use.

[pink4ever]

I have offered to watch her other dcs but she feels that the gps have that covered. Her dh is very good as well(just in case anyone asked what he was doing to help) and takes over when he comes home from work. But none of that is really doing her much good if she is basically surviving on snatched minutes of sleep at night is it?
Also baby wont nap suring the day unless she is giving cuddles so she cant even get a nap then. I am concerned for her but will just continue trying to be supportive.

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

Expressing really is a pita. DD fed so frequently I had no time to actually do it. I would far rather have had her on me all the time than fannying about with sterilisers etc.

As others have said, take her other kids out and give her a break that way. And make her tea and snacks while she's bfing

[skybluepearl]

but expressing is such a faff when you can just simply put baby on breast and bobs your uncle - no cleaning/no plastic bottles cluttering the place/no warming up milk in the middle of the night. i tried expressing and gave up quickly.

how else can you help? cook a meal/ clean for a few hours/take the other kids out for the day/do the school run/take baby out for an hour or so between feeds. you don't actually have to have the baby to help. she probably just want to bond and spend lots of time with babe at the mo - and why shouldn't she?

[SuchProspects]

I expressed for 9 months, after struggling to try and bf for 3. It really is a hassle and, especially if she does have pnd, may well not seem worth it to her. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying that she doesn't see that particular possibility in the same light as you.

You're a good friend to be worried about her. All you can really do is be supportive, try and find practical help you are happy to provide that she will accept and encourage her to get properly assessed for PND.

[skybluepearl]

can the baby sleep on you maybe? you sould like a lovely friend by the way wanting to support her

[JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA]

Pink - it's hard when you think you are offering a good solution and the person doesn't want to do it (Hmm I seem to remember some of us offering solutions you weren't keen on for quite some time ). All you can do is remind her from time to time (not too often though!) that those things are there if she wants them - then as others have said, try to think of other things that would help her - that she might be ready to accept - settling the baby after a feed and minding the others etc

[thisisyesterday]

yes, and she may be very aware that if she wants to get through a growth spurt quicker then she needs to be breastfeeding the baby so that her body knows to produce more milk.

[thisisyesterday]

maybe you could drop off a load of food for her to stick in the freezer? give it to her husband if she won't accept it?

when mine were little i would have loved not to have to cook each evening

[Soups]

I expressed with my first, then didn't bother with my 2nd. Everyone is different but it was too much hassle compared to the small pay off. I had a baby who didn't take a bottle well, it took me ages and ages to get a tiny amount.

[pink4ever]

We meet up twice a week and I always take the baby straight away so that she can get a coffee in peace I have offered to come round and help out by doing a bit of house work but I think she is a bit private about things like that(totally understandable-I would be to)

I have tried to be positive around her-also mentioned that baby was probably just going through the normal growth spurt and would be sleeping through soon. Telling her she is doing a good job etc.

I suppose I am perplexed by the expressing thing as all my other friends who bf(and the majority did) eventually moved on to expressing. Some of them because they were returning to work,some because they needed the break and some because they wanted a social life again.

Thanks for all the good advice even if it turns out I AM BU.

[biddysmama]

yabu, i dont like expressing, breastfeeding isnt only about breastmilk.

[AlpiniAddict]

I fed all 4 of my dc for around 13 months,and never considered bottles. The only time I expressed was to mix with baby cereal when weaning. I enjoyed bf too much to want to express so perhaps this is how your friend feels. The best thing for you to do may be to have her older dc while she gets into bed with the baby,then baby can feed while she sleeps. I found this extremely helpful on the very few occasions it happened :)

[DeWe]

Never liked expressing. It may perplex you but I'd rather get up in the night to feed. I would have had to shake dh awake to do the feed anyway. I always woke, and he did rarely.