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To want a divorce and to change my name back but still be with him :S

(11 Posts)
ConfusedHeart Thu 11-Aug-11 13:11:53

I'm very confused.

Some of you may remember me from previous posts but basically background is:
Im 20, been together 5 and a half years. Married for 8 months. in that 8 months i have got pregnant, found out DH was abusing porn and also miscarried.

Basically what it is, is that Im beginning to really wish I never got married. Ever since I got married and changed my name etc.. I have felt somewhat trapped. I know it sounds stupid but I've not been wearing my wedding ring for the past week and i've felt "free-er" When people ask for my name and I say my sirname I hate it. I feel I have lost my identity and it also now feels like we're stuck being together instead of being together because we want to be. I never realised until just recently but I really don't believe in marriage. My parents are divorced and I dont know anyone who is happily married. What I really want is to dvorce him, change my name back but still be with him... this is riduculous I know, and I know if I mentioned it he would probably think I was crazy insane.... but this is really getting me down. That coupled with the fact that he has gained 5 stone since I met him and I've lost two isnt helping either. Hes all over me now and I'm becoming repulsed by his apperance.

Urgh I'm so confused I dont know what to do..... :S

HerRoyalNotness Thu 11-Aug-11 13:18:39

I'm not quite sure why you'd stay with him. Don't waste the best years of your life living like this. You will regret it in your 30s

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Aug-11 13:22:58

Changing your name or not wearing a wedding ring might create a temporary illusion of freedom but it doesn't materally change the situation ie. you're tied to someone you find repulsive. Marriage is not automatically a disaster for everyone but it is if you pick the wrong person, go into it for the wrong reasons or have unreasonable expectations. It's a 'rest of your life' gig....and that's a particularly big ask when you're 20 because a) people change so much at that age and b) it's a heck of a long time.

If you're unhappy with your husband you need to talk. Work out what you both want out of life and out of marriage and if you're still on the same page. If you say you still want to be with him then that's probably a good thing - suggests there's still a little hope. If you're not, if the 5 stone of flab is a deal-breaker, and if you can't see things improving over the next 10, 20, 40 years then sometimes it's best to admit you've made a mistake, cut your losses, shake hands, say goodbye and move on.

fluffyanimal Thu 11-Aug-11 13:23:54

Sounds to me like you're just not emotionally ready for marriage and as the two of you have grown up together you have started growing apart. I think the "still want to be with him" part is the fact that you have been together for several years and moving on from that is hard, if you're only 20 you've been with him for a quarter of your whole life! But that doesn't make the relationship right. Time to move on, especially before children come into the equation. Time to be on your own for a bit and find out who you really are and what you really feel are your life values.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 11-Aug-11 13:25:16

Marriage should not mean losing your identity - if anything, it should enhance who you are.

Either you leave the marital home or he does, either you file for divorce or he does, and then wait to see how you feel when the ink on the decree absolute is dry before giving any thought as to whether you want to continue any kind of relationship with your (then) ex.

Needless to say, you are best advised to ensure that you do not become pg in the meantime either by your soon-to-be ex or another party.

Andrewofgg Thu 11-Aug-11 13:32:45

I hate to sound male but I was born that way and can't help it.

Why the hell would he agree to such a peculiar arrangement?

Why the hell should he?

Miggsie Thu 11-Aug-11 13:41:27

You can change your name back without a divorce, it isn't a legal requirement to change your name.

Also, you appear to dislike your husband but would feel better if you were both single again because somehow that would mean you'd like him more?

I think you have a very very strange attitude towards marriage and what two people living together would entail. He seems to think being married means he can gain weight and put no effort into the relationship and you are dreaming of being single as it is more fun dating?

I can't see how either of you are going to be happy unless you talk about this and sort out your somewhat confused views of what an adult relationship should be. At the moment you seem to be in some sort of idealised adolescent world where dating is fun and marriage somehow means everything grinds to a halt and you emotionally flatline.

donteatyourteawithnoknickerson Thu 11-Aug-11 13:43:14

andrewofgg - right there with you, and I'm not even male smile

lubeybooby Thu 11-Aug-11 13:43:35

Will say what I said on your other thread. You seem to be trying to gradually pull away - this can only hurt more and cause more damage in the long term. Get it over with sooner rather than later

and actually add... I wouldn't be surprised if he can tell you really don't actually like him and that can't be nice or helping with his weight problem, do the guy a favour and let him find someone who truly wants him.

DitaVonCheese Thu 11-Aug-11 14:20:04

You have my sympathy on the name thing - it took me a long time to adjust to my new name.

IIRC, you can't actually get divorced and stay together - you have to state as part of the divorce petition that your relationship has irretrievably broken down.

Do you actually like your DH?

minipie Thu 11-Aug-11 14:37:55

If I'm honest, it sounds like it's not marriage you have a problem with, it's your DH.

I think if you were truly happy with your DH you wouldn't feel trapped or stuck being together. You'd be pleased you were now committed to each other.

Time to be honest with yourself. If you were single, would you choose to be with your DH, or not?

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