To be annoyed with my Husband

[Megastar]

I am a mother of two DS is 3 and DD is only 4 months old. My husband calls me the other day from work to say he wants to 'sort out' his sailing dates for September and initially said he will be away Mon, Wed, thurs, Fri and late back on sat night, Thats ok isn't it? I said not really as I will be on my own and he won't see the kids for practically a whole week. He seemed miffed and then later said that he will only now do Mon, Wed,Thurs and late back Friday as if he was doing me a favour.
Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off that he is not fussed about seeing the kids for that amount of time and thinking it's ok for him to go on holiday whilst I look after OUR children.
He has always done this trip but I stupidly thought that with now two kids he might give it up, especially as he knows that I am not exactly finding things easy with two children now.
I just feel that yet again my life has got turned on it's head and I have had to give up alot and he thinks he can carry on with no changes, He has even got into Triathlons since i fell pregnant and his training takes up alot of evenings and they are also taking up what I consider to be precious time with the kids at the weekend. He works in London so is supposed to be home 3 nights to bath the kids but at the mo that rarely happens.
Sorry for rant but just want to know if I am being unreasonable or not?

[GrownUpNow]

I'd let him go off on his holiday, and expect the same when I decided to go off on mine. Five days isn't too bad, you'd manage, and being able to get away and do things we enjoy is important I think, so long as you get to do your stuff too.

[overmydeadbody]

Tricky one.


If he has always done this holiday then it is unfair for you to expect him to just suddenly stop. In the grand scheme of his kids lives a week spent away from them once a year is nothing, it would be different if he were doing this every few months.

Perhaps the best way of dealing with this fiarly is for you also get a break for a similar length of time, while he looks after the kids?

People should be able to still persue hobbies even once they become parents, as long as they also fulfill their commitments to their families.

You need to talk to your DH about having more time off yourself, so you get a break from the kids and he has a chance to be in charge, then you might not resent his time persuing hobbies so much?

[clam]

But that's the thing, grownup. It seems as if she's not getting her stuff too. And resentment is building, not unreasonably.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I don't like the idea of couples taking separate holidays. I can't see the point of being in a relationship and having children, if you want to carry on living as though you are single and childless.

Still, if you want separate holidays, then you should be getting as much time off as he is.

They are his children as much as yours and he is responsible for them as much as you. He should not just assume that you will take on all the work and he can carry on as if they weren't there.

I wouldn't allow this in my relationship.

[GrownUpNow]

Then I think she needs to raise the subject about the imbalance in personal time, rather than resenting his personal time and sabotaging it because she feels it is unfair (on her and on the kids), which will only lead to bad feeling, she needs to sit down with him and be honest about how she is feeling so they can both support each other in getting what they need.

[tiddleypompom]

Yours sounds to me like an entirely reasonable response. I agree with Karma - separate holidays and hobbies on occasions (especially if a hobby that goes way back to before you met) are fine enough, but it sounds like he is starting to take the piss, especially considering you have 2 young children now.
Am feeling grumpy today so perhaps being a bit harsh on your DH, but he's forcing you to perform the 'ball and chain/her indoors' routine, which is totally unfair.

[startail]

If this is a trip he's always done, them I'd probably let him. Sailing is an addiction, my dad returned to it despite having serious heart disease and being no way fit enough.
It is the day in day out weekly seeing the DCs I'd fight to get fixed.

[coppertop]

I think YANBU.

If I'm reading your OP correctly your dh is:

• not coming back on the agreed 3 nights a week to bath his children
  

• spending a lot of evenings and some weekends on training for something which wasn't even a pre-existing hobby (pentathlons)
  

and now wants a holiday by himself too.

Meanwhile you're the one left looking after a new baby and a toddler.

It sounds as though the more leeway you give him, the more he expects.

[coppertop]

Triathlons!

[pictish]

I would grant my blessing on his holiday, on the understanding that you get time off at a later date too.

I wouldn't put the kybosh on his break. I think you're being a little overbearing. Sorry.

[Sheepling]

I dont know about the rest tbh, but its a few nights! Is this really about him not seeing the kids???

My DS's dad is in the army. He hasnt seen him since March. 3 nights wouldnt piss me off...

[MrsWembley]

If you have different interests and previously you have both taken time away from each other to pursue these interests then why stop now? Obviously having the 4m DC puts a dampener on your plans (assuming you are bfing) but that doesn't mean it's forever.

Last summer I left DP with DD and took a couple of weekends out, one just an excuse for a night out with a friend and the other a walking weekend with another friend. I now have a baby so no time out this summer, but I'm trying to get around the SW Coast Path, so I'm going to make sure I have opportunities over the next few years.

My DP was never going to come on the walk with me and there are times he wants to do stuff I have no interest in. Time away from each other and from the DCs isn't wasted time, it is time to refresh, time to be someone different, time to reboot and lose any frustrations and resentments that might be building up. I think it's time to remember who you used to be and how to enjoy again who you've become.

[coppertop]

It's the assumption that Megastar will be holding the fort that would seriously rankle me.

At the very least I would expect a face-to-face conversation that went along the lines of, "I know I usually go away by myself in September for a week, but I realise that things are a bit different this year. Dd will still only be 5mths old and you'll be by yourself with ds too. I don't mind giving it a miss this year."

This gives Megastar the opportunity to say either "That's a relief" or "What about if you still go but just make it a couple of days instead of the usual week."

A phonecall from work with "I'm going away on XYZ days this year" would have me fuming.

[LareyLaptopLover]

whats wrong with being away for four days - not even a whole week

there are husbands all over the country who work away for days, weeks and months yet their family somehow survive

[clam]

Well, for a start, it's not working away, it's a jolly. And on top of a lot of other jollies too. And as coppertop put so well, it's the assumption that this is what he's doing and she can pick up the slack that is disrespectful.

[KMR281]

well, you have my sympathies - my husband does triathlons, ironman thingies, martial arts etc etc. I get pissed off at the amount of time he is away (and I'm not going to give all the details as i'll get riled AGAIN) but when I query him on it - oh, it's my sport, my thing. Fine. but I don't 'have' anything, and it's sort of got to the stage where I need to check before I do anything that it doesn't clash with him. V annoying.

My advice - well, firstly, have a converstaion about it, and don't let it all fester. in the greater scheme of things, if he is away for one week, that's not huge, but it's maybe more the fact that he's not asking you how you'll cope, just how long can he be away. Also, if you feel like he's not generally as involved as you hoped/thought/anticipated, then address it now.

i wish you luck with this.

[Timpson]

You have to be careful you're not going to be sitting in chairs staring at each other with no hobbies or anything interesting left to say once your DCs have left home. you will end up resenting each other.

That said - you need to follow your interests too.

[Timpson]

And you need to address why you would find it so hard to manage a toddler and a baby on your own for 4 days.

[Groovee]

I'd call him back and say that you'll be away in October for the same amount of days. When he starts splutterng and saying no, you can respond with "But darling you're off sailing in September and I'm just doing the same in October, whats the problem?"

[mayorquimby]

I'm with yabu.
Oranise your own little break if you want, but there's no reason why he should stop going on a short trip now because he has a family.

[clam]

And you need to address why you would find it so hard to manage a toddler and a baby on your own for 4 days.

Having got very on another thread with loads of posters saying how little time their Hs spend alone with their kids, I would just say "as long as he is prepared and able to manage a baby and a toddler on his own for four days."

[fedupofnamechanging]

It's not the going away - it's the assumption that the OP will just do his share of the childcare, as if these are not his kids too. It's also not just this trip in isolation - it's the pattern of him regularly doing his own thing and not taking his new family commitments into consideration.

There is a difference between being away from your family because you have to for work and actively choosing to dump all the childcare on to your partner.

It does rile me that people have babies but are not prepared to pull their weight when it comes to caring for them.

[Timpson]

That should go without saying clam. i don't buy men supposed uselessness at looking after their children one bit and firmly believe that OP's Dh should have them while she follows interests of her own.

However, if the OP is going to find it really impossible to manage a toddler and a baby on her own for four days - this is something she needs to address - for the sake of her health in the future.

Far too many women give up everything - all their hobbies and interests when they have children and end up lost and resentful when their DCs reach secondary school age - i see it times. Men don't seem to have the same problem - it needs addressing.

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

The trouble with saying "oh you need your own interests too" and "just make sure you get the same amount of time off later" is that when one partner is already doing this much stuff, there is not enough time for the other to start doing (anywhere near) the same amount without either losing all couple/family time and permanently having one parent home on their own, or just running out of available time altogether.

Also it can mean that the usually stay-at-home partner (especially if they are also at home with small children during the week) has ended up taking over responsibility for so much of the "home" stuff (knowing what needs to be packed for taking kids out, keeping up with laundry/tidying/shopping, remembering things like school bags...) that they may not want to have to disappear off somewhere for full days or weekends, and then come back to lots of stored-up work, and may not have the energy or inclination to organise complicated trips or activities for themselves, especially if they don't already have an outdoorsy hobby to go and do.

Often I would prefer either to just to have DH around and helping out a bit more (i.e. reducing his hobbies a bit rather than promising to "allow" me equal time away that may not happen), or to have him take the kids out somewhere for a proper length of time so I can chill at home and catch up on TV, reading or less sporty hobbies! Oh and he should have to pack and unpack the bags for the day out too, cos guess what, I have to do it all myself when he's away!

[JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA]

I can't see the problem with the sailing trip myself. It's something he's done every year, you will have one toddler and one 5 month old on your own for a few days - hardly that difficult.

Also, how practical is it actually for him to get home early enough to bath them 3x pw. This economic climate is not the best one for saying 'Sorry - have to go home early to bath the children' is it. The whole family benefits from him holding down his job.

However, if he's not allowing you 'time out' or not spending any quality time with his family at the weekends then you need to talk about that. He needs to understand that when he gets home after work and in the weekends the children are a joint responsibility and you need to make decisions together about what is happening at those times... you should not be responsible for the children 24/7 while he acts as though he's a free agent - but lots of men people need that explained to them quite clearly.