please someone read this and help me!(31 Posts)
This should be in relationships but I need advice now. (Will put it there later)
I am a regular but have name changed, if you notice anything about me please don't out me.
So background; me and p have had so much trouble this last 2 years, we got together and had dd after only a few months (yes I know,accident) over the last 2 years we have moved several times, had awful living conditions and landlords. We have had redundancy and lost jobs (both of us)
When I had dd I got very depressed and a year later voluntary sectioned myself for a week at the mental health unit. I was scared of myself and what was happening to our family. Anyway that all happened and iv been on tablets ever since. I am taking a new direction in career now and had a lengthy discussion with my doctor, health visitors and family about my tablets which make me feel so tired all the time. We all agreed I would very very slowly wean off them to get my energy back. All fine everything going great.
Untill last sunday when p went into some rebellious crazed drunken state within the space of 3 hours. He came home said some very vile things and scared me and dd. I had to beg him to leave for everyones safety. We talked and he just said he was stressed and that he is sorry.
Then yesterday comes along. All the riots are going on and we have a warning in our area, he hadn't charged his phone and didn't leave work till late cue me worrying why it has taken over an hour to do a usual 15 minute journey so I call my mum and I ask her to just have a drive over and see if she can see him (in case he is hurt). He gets home finally and I said I have been worried about you and why is he not keeping his phone charged (he lives on it usually) he went ballistic at me. Shouting swearing the lot.
He mentions my depression and calls me names saying he doesn't forgive me and that he can't stand me. He then drops the bombshell that he hasn't loved me for months, he doesn't forgive me for my depression and the fact we don't have sex
So what do I do now then?? How the fuck to I sort this mess? How do I look my dd in the face knowing I am responsible for ruining her life??
My mum is fuming after everything we've been through I get this, his family are vile and look for reasons to hate me even more.
It isn't your problem, it is his. You didn't choose to get depressed nor lose your libido.
I would be having a really long hard think about whether this relationship has any futures.
I am at a loss as to how you've ruined your DDs life. You are still her mum and doing your best for her.
The shocking thing from your email was when you said you are responsible for ruining your dds life - crap! From what you have said it Sounds like you have had serious problems but you have made the decision to get help and follow through with the treatment. That is not the action of a bad mother.
Your p is the shit and I think he is the one ruining your dds life. Your bad period was at a time when she was very young and wouldn't understand too much. However, 2 years on she may not understand why her daddy is angry but she will see that he is mean and vicious and will be scared of him.
I think you need to see that this is not your fault but the majority is his.
If you can leave him.
I agree with Kittens. you didnt choose to get depressed did you? sounds like you dealt with your depression pretty well and have actually done something to try and sort your life out. its his problem that he cant be man enough to support you
Sorry why is it your fault you became depressed? Did you intentionally go out and get it? You did one hell of a brave thing putting yourself in hospital and getting yourself sorted out for the good of your family and self. Mental illnesses take time to recover from. It is frustrating and not easy.
Your P is not worthy of you if that is how he feels. He is also being extremely harmful to you by treating you like this. Sadly it sounds like you have reached a point where you need to ask yourself if you really shoud be with this man, because honestly, it sounds like you deserve better.
He doesn't FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR DEPRESSION?!?!?!?!
Sorry, but that forgiveness is not his to give or not give. Forgiveness is for situations where the other party voluntarily and wantonly carries out an action. Having depression in whatever form does not come under that classification.
Find me someone who chooses to have depression and I'll show you a person that is a liar or plain old attention seeker.
You have not wrecked your daughter's life in any way, in fact you did a very responsible thing, and were treated for an illness that a lot of people overlook or dismiss as being unimportant.
I don't say this very often, but I'd be struggling to see how this situation can possibly be retrieved by your OH - I can't put DP - he has gone TOO FAR! is it possible that he is trying to shift some guilt of his own and turn it into blame of you, either for that time when you were being treated, or now.
Basically, I am coming back to that old chestnut of the anger being shown because he is feeling guilty at being unfaithful, and the anger over your illness is just the excuse he is using.
He sounds like a shit, tbh. Another possibility is that he has quite enjoyed that feeling that you are somehow weaker than him (I don't believe this to be true - depression, and come out the other side myself) but now that you are gaining personal strength he is feeling threatened?!?!
You have a lot of thinking to do, OP.
Agree 100% with Meow. Poor OP, you've really been through the shit.
I agree, you don't need to be forgiven for the problems you didn't choose. I can't see that you have any future with him given what he has said. I don't think those things can be retracted. That said, give yourself some time and space to think things through.
You havent ruined your childs life. You will be failing her though if you bring her up in this sort of environment.
You dont need this idiot in your life.
You don't need to be forgiven, none of it is your fault.
Do either of you have anywhere to go for some time apart and some serious thinking?
If he doesn't love you, then there is not a lot more to be said, is there? Ask him to move out immediately.
The fact that you are suffering from depression as well as looking at a new career direction is admirable - good for you. You are setting a wonderful example to your daughter.
Can you try to get some better housing?
What has hit me the most is that we are finally so settled in a home rather than a house.
What the hell have I done to deserve this?? He just keeps going on and on about how hard his life is working 6-3 5 days a week and all he has to do at home is the washing up, apparently I suffocate him?
My reasonable side is taking charge and dealing with it all and making sure he supports me and dd.
I'm waiting on my ofsted pre reg visit to come through my house is perfect for childminding and mentally and physically I have never been so excited about anything!
I am supposed to protect dd and all I am doing is hurting her. Fuck
I'm sorry for your troubles OP but you need to take charge now for your DD's sake. You say that you are supposed to protect her and are just hurting her so do something about it. You're the only person that can and she's depending on you. If you think that this is a miserable situation, imagine what it must be like for her? You understand it at least, she won't.
Can you go and stay somewhere else with your DD? From there, you can make more permanent plans. If you're considering childminding at the moment - from your home - I'd reconsider. You're in no position to look after other people's children in a home that's abusive to you and your DD.
Your partner will need to financially support you and DD but in all honesty, from what you've posted, you are not a couple and it's not going to work out that way.
he is saying he needs space. What about my space? why should i be left picking up the pieces when he is the one getting out of it all?!
I am so fucked off with him and the way he is treating me right now. he just wont admit he is wrong
First off, you have not failed your dd. Instead, you've done magnificently to climb out of your depression and start rebuilding a positive future. Your partner, on the other hand, appears to be contributing very little to the well-being of your family and while I don't want to make things sound worse, I'm wondering if someone else is involved here?
Only "wanting space" is a classic get-out clause which, sadly, can often mean "wanting space to carry on being unfaithful". I hope this isn't the case though.
So sorry about your situation. Not sure exactly what to advise but I have seen a lot of good advice above.
You need to concentrate on how to take care of your daughter and yourself. Don't worry about your relationship or him 'admitting he is wrong'. If this is how he really feels you are better off without him. If it's a temporary outburst then it will be up to him to make amends and deal with how he feels.
In the meantime just make sure that you and her are safe and can cope without any contact from him, at least for the time being.
YOU haven't failed your DD - HE has.
Please make him leave for good.
Can you afford your house on your own (with benefit tops ups/CSA) etc.
Use this as your catalyst for a better life for you and your DD - cast this tosser aside and love your new life.
he doesn't forgive you for depression? what is there to forgive? it is an illness. it just shows that it is his problem not yours. he is responsinble for his behaviour and the words he says to you.
he does not seem to contribute much to your family. if he decides to up and go in these circumstances, you may be better off and happierr ionce you have adjusted to your new circumstnces. you deserve better.
Depression is NOT your fault. There is nothing to forgive.
I've been on both sides of this tho'. I've been severely depressed, and it's amazed me that DP stayed with me throughout (he wasn't really my DP at the time and could easily have walked away, but didn't). However, DP is now going through the same and it IS very hard to be there for him, to ignore the remarks that get thrown in my direction when he's drunk and put up with being ignored the rest of the time.
Can I suggest you both take time out to think things through? Don't necessarily throw in the towel just now.
It sounds like he doesn't want any family responsibility to me (what he said about having to work and do washing up etc), and hasn't been happy that he's had to take on more due to your being ill.
That's not your fault though, it's part of family life which it sounds like he's not cut out for.
sorry but he sounds like a dick
time to decide if you want to live with him knowing he doesnt love you and blames you for an illness you couldnt help getting
you have not fucked up your kids life you are doing your best to get a career to support her
I am fast learning today what a spitefull person I have been living with.
He is basically saying I have trapped him and that I have done nothing push him away for the last year, well depression does that I guess.
I'm not entirely blameless in all this I'm sure I have my faults and sometimes I am a little bit ott about stuff but I'm human who doesn't make mistakes??
I have forgiven him for everything he has said and done iv forgiven his family and stuck by his side no matter what the consequence. Not this time.
I'm going to let him stay in the spare room till I am earning and can get housing benefit to top up the rent payment then he is gone. Call me a heartless bitch but I'm not being walked over this time. No way.
Good for you. Get him out and concentrate on your and DD's future. It sounds like you have come through so much and things are coming together in your life, so ditch the dead weight!
Skiing I thought of something earlier. This time I won't have a self destroy button. This time I will protect myself and my dd and put the barriers up to prevent him and his family hurting us
"Call me a heartless bitch but I'm not being walked over this time."
"This time I will protect myself and my dd and put the barriers up to prevent him and his family hurting us"
So he has form? He has behaved similarly in the past? As has his family?
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