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To want some time alone after MC?

(13 Posts)
foxylady1 Tue 09-Aug-11 20:51:26

Found out last week at 11 weeks our baby's heart had stopped at 7 weeks sad. had to wait till today to find out if all had come away naturally which it has apart from a little bit of fluid the midwife is quite happy it will do it alone.

This weekend DH has been asked to work at his uncles in Plymouth whilst they are away and take DD with him MIL and FIL will be there also.

The thing is i'm thinking i would love a bit of time on my own just to find a bit of peace and get my head round this awful thing that's happened to us. I feel this last week has been someone else's nightmare and i've been looking in.

DH has been great and said it's a good idea and he's happy if it will help. MIL agreed and has said she can watch DD. But if everyone has agreed why do I feel so badly guilty about them going alone and me having some ME time???

AIBU? WWYD??

Sorry if it seems a bit silly think i'm still a bit emotional just up and down atm.

ryman78 Tue 09-Aug-11 20:56:42

So sorry for your loss. Please do what is right for you and try not to feel guilty.

birdsofshoreandsea Tue 09-Aug-11 20:58:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoMeDon Tue 09-Aug-11 20:58:47

YANBU and I would have that time.

Being a mother is 99% guilt smile It's normal to want time alone then think yo're selfish for wanting it. In fact it is sensible. You need to reflect, cry, come to terms - things much easier done alone.

marriedinwhite Tue 09-Aug-11 21:02:19

This is such a hard time for you and you probably don't know whether you are coming or going. It can be hard to face everyone again after this. Are you sure you don't want them to persuade you to go or for DH to say "actually mum, I'm bringing dd down for the weekend and then driving straight back to give Foxlady some proper tlc, uncle will have to get someone else to help out or shut shop". It's not a crime to ask at this time and you are doing brilliantly. Give yourself some time to get over this.

FabbyChic Tue 09-Aug-11 21:04:01

Sorry to hear of your loss, will that much time alone be too much time for you to think? It is far better to keep yourself busy, and if you go to Plymouth you can always go for walks on your own.

marriedinwhite Tue 09-Aug-11 21:04:57

Foxlady - meant to add that whilst this is worst for you - the rest of them, including DH, probably don't know what to do or what to say for the best.

mumatron Tue 09-Aug-11 21:08:24

I would say go for the time alone as long as you have the option of joining them if you feel you need to.

we all deal with mc is such different ways. Personally I liked to deal with alone, well, apart from numerous threads on here. others feel they need the support of family and friends to get through it.

very sorry to hear of your loss.

L8rAllig8r Tue 09-Aug-11 21:08:59

Sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong thing to do, just do whatever feels right for you.

ZillionChocolate Tue 09-Aug-11 21:09:06

If you feel you want time alone, then you should have it, but maybe have people on standby in case you need some support.

foxylady1 Tue 09-Aug-11 21:09:54

Thankyou all. It has been the worst week of our life. DH has been amazing and has been home all week with me but i don't think he really knows what to do or say now. I just need some time to think and be alone. I'll make sure i'm not too alone a good friend has already suggested an afternoon at a hers and i have my Mum down the rd. I just don't feel i've had any time to grieve for Our baby we have lost.

lilmissminx Tue 09-Aug-11 22:15:20

Hey... I'm sorry for your loss. I lost one at 12 weeks, the year before I had DS2.
The morning after, Dp's friend turned up unannounced, with 3 yr old in tow shock despite knowing what had happened. I was still going through the process, and needed me time. Even my parents and my sister rang and asked before turning up. People react in different ways, and I learned then that it is ok to say 'no, I don't want this' or, 'I need this'. The day the friend turned up, I calmly slid out of the door unseen, and left blush I just couldn't do polite converstion, particularly with a 3 yr old bouncing around the place.
Take the time you need. Worst case scenario, you may change your mind, and I'm sure you could go to them if that was the case. Do you what you feel you need / want to do. If it means unplugging the house phone, and ignoring the doorbell, then do it. Get DH to stock you up with the things you want for the weekend too. Whatever that is - magazines /books/ dvds/ feel good food. Anything you want.

theancientmarinator Tue 09-Aug-11 22:28:20

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I had an mc 3 yrs ago and discovered that your mind can rationalise it quite easily (it wasn't a viable pregnancy, body did what it was supposed to in ending it, still got time to conceive again, etc) but your body has its own timescale for grieving and you can't hurry it up. I found that when I was with other people it made it harder sometimes because people want to help by cheering you up - but I didn't want to cheer up, I wanted to cry the tears I needed to cry and take the time it took to acknowledge the loss of this tiny, beginning life I had only just discovered was there. People, for the nicest of reasons, aren't usually comfortable with just keeping you company in your grief and when you are with other people you sometimes feel you are being 'rushed through' the grieving process. If your instincts are taking care of you by getting you some time alone to grieve then I'd trust them and go with it. If your instincts suddenly tell you that's enough alone time now I'd trust them then too! Be kind to yourself. x

PS I turned 40 3 weeks after my mc, tried unsuccessfully for 9 months to conceive again and finally accepted I was too old and had missed my window for having a second child. A fortnight later I discovered baby 2 was on the way. We love him so much and he is all the more special to us for needing 2 goes. Statistically (as a wise gp told me) you are more likely to get pregnant again than not to and an mc is no sign that you will have difficulty with subsequent pregnancies: it's just one of the sad things that happens all the time and never, really gets talked about. I'm looking forward to seeing you post a happy announcement in a few months time :-)

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