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Think i've caused a big mess in the family.

(21 Posts)
catpark Tue 09-Aug-11 15:03:29

Bit of background, my dad has an older sister who around 12 years ago had an affair. It causes a big divide in the family. My grandad disowned her etc. Only her sister really talked to her. I got married 2 years after and decided not to invite this Aunt due to the potential fight it might cause. She then phoned my mum giving her abuse called her a fat cow and basically told her that she was the reason she wasn't invited. Over the years the family has begun to speak to her even my grandad. My mum/dad and another of his brothers won't. I feel caught in the middle of it all as due to what happened my cousin who I was close to sent me a letter basically telling me to piss off out her life, which really upset me.

Now the real problem is my grandparents have a big anniversary coming up and I know my aunt was going to arrange a party/meal for it. Since it's only a few months away I asked my mum what was happening. She didn't know but started moaning about it. I'm going away around that time so I contacted this aunt to find out what was happening. She asked for my dads e-mail address to give him the info. I got her to send it to me instead to pass on. Basically my grandparents would like to go on a trip to the opera in Paris and my aunt and her sister suggested that the family club together to pay for it. It clearly said there was no obligation to contribute or a set amount. But to let them know what they thought. I personally thought it was lovely idea. My mum has blown her top about this demanding to know were I got it from and how she isn't being dictated to about the trip. She isn't speaking to my dad as he wants to pay towards it but she thinks my aunt is being cheeky asking the family to pay. I tried telling her to read it properly as she isn't demanding money but my mum won't listening.

I feel bad as I contacted the aunt and passed the info on but my mum wouldn't ask what was happening so someone had to ! Did I do a really stupid thing ?

Bulmers Tue 09-Aug-11 15:06:34

I don't think so. Your Mum is letting the crap with the Aunt affect the grandparent's anniversary present - two entirely different things.

smoggii Tue 09-Aug-11 15:07:32

No, you did a perfectly reasonable thing. if your mum doesn't want to contribute, her choice but she has no right to dictate to your dad what he does, it's a gift for his parents.

Families eh?

IAmTheCookieMonster Tue 09-Aug-11 15:10:08

I think your mum needs to get over the argument, it wasn't even over something that directly affected her!

It is a massive shame that she couldn't be at your wedding, but I would have done the same in the circumstances, I wouldn't have risked an argument ruining the day, but I can see how your cousin would see that as taking sides.

I think that you have been compromised enough by your mum and should make your own contribution directly to your aunt to assert the fact that you aren't drawn into your mum's arguments and if she asks about your mum say you forwarded her the email but haven't heard about it.

Angel786 Tue 09-Aug-11 15:14:37

YANBU, you've been very good about it all... I think it's a lovely idea to contribute if your parents want to. Just make sure if they do, your aunt makes clear everyone contributed and doesn't try to claim it was all her!

catpark Tue 09-Aug-11 15:17:02

I really would like to make peace with my Aunt as it's been over 10 years since the fall out happened. I have e-mailed her since she sent the holiday letter to ask about my cousin as i've really missed her over the years because we used to be really close growing up and went out all the time, sleep overs etc.. I haven't told my mum that as I know she would flip and refuse to speak to me again.

QuintessentialShadow Tue 09-Aug-11 15:19:55

Seems like your mum is a piece of work.... Why on earth did it matter to her that her sister in law had an affair, and why let it ruin her inlaws anniversary present?

Dont listen to your mum. Tell her she is a silly cow to keep going on about this and to keep causing bad blood in the family.

ChitChattingagain Tue 09-Aug-11 15:20:59

Good for you! You did the right thing, and your mum needs to do a bit of growing up. Gettin upset with a close familiy member because they had an affair is one thing, but cutting them out of your life is such a load of crap. Everyone does stupid things at times, you just have to wonder how forgiving they would be to you if you did something stupid!

catpark Tue 09-Aug-11 15:23:04

I haven't actually seen my mum she just ranted on the phone at me about it. Dreading seeing her on Thursday as It could get ugly.

hairfullofsnakes Tue 09-Aug-11 18:35:59

Affairs arent nice but I don't understand why some of your family felt the need to be get on their high horse and be so judgmental? What a horrible family you must have if they didn't speak to her over that.

pictish Tue 09-Aug-11 18:39:48

I think your mum needs to get over herself.
You didn't do anything wrong.

diddl Tue 09-Aug-11 18:44:15

I would say it´s up to your dad & it must be hurtful for him that his wife feels this way.

I don´t like my ILs, but I wouldn´t begrudge them something like this-better than a party where I´d have to see themblush

MorticiaAddams Tue 09-Aug-11 18:46:01

Your Mum is the one being unreasonable here. Everyone else seems to be moving on except for her and I can't see that you have done anything wrong at all.

Callisto Tue 09-Aug-11 18:49:21

Poor you, being stuck in the middle. I think it is one of those situations where you can't do right for doing wrong (iyswim - I think you're doing the right thing here). Your mum really needs to suck it up. Do you have the sort of relationship with her that you can tell her exactly that?

Xales Tue 09-Aug-11 18:56:30

I can see what you are trying to do and it is a lovely gesture.

I feel a little sorry for your mum to be honest.

Your aunt in law had an affair and all the family got involved, father disowning her and only her sister talking to her.

You decide not to invite her to your wedding and your mum gets phone calls and hurtful abuse hurled at her.

No matter how many years later your dad and another of her brothers still wont talk to her. But it is your your mother being made out to be being unreasonable because she doesn't want to contact her and find out what is going on.

If your dad is interested he should have got involved and find out all the information himself not to pass it to his wife who has been insulted and abused by a woman he himself doesn't talk to.

diddl Tue 09-Aug-11 18:59:58

But it isn´t about the mother or the aunt, is it?

Shouldn´t OPs dad give something towards a trip for his parents because his sister insulted his wife ?

squeakytoy Tue 09-Aug-11 19:02:57

YANBU, but your Dad needs to step in and sort it out really. I can see your Mums side, and I can also see your Aunts side. Family fall-outs are horrible..sad

Xales Tue 09-Aug-11 19:04:15

If he wants to contribute all well and good for him.

He is perfectly capable of contacting the sister he doesn't talk to and doing it himself without involving his wife.

catpark Tue 09-Aug-11 20:02:35

Thanks all, my mum is not the type of person that you could have a civilised conversation about this. She told me that the only reason the 2 aunts are organising this is because they want to be the centre of attention ! But really if any of the other siblings were to organise it she'd be moaning as well (My dads one of 7) She's always blows things out of proportion.

Even though my aunt insulted her first my mum has been very vocal slating her in the family over the years, saying far worse so both have been insulting to each other.

Xales I gave the info to my dad he chose to tell my mum and he knows what she is like. My dad works so doesn't really see his parents much and my and goes swimming every week with my nana so she gets told all the family stuff. She has told him not to contribute to it even though it is his parents ! Which i'm actually a bit peeved about.

I really shouldn't have got involved but if one of my aunts had phoned it would have been alot worse, me forwarding the letter to him will have less of a fallout.

Think part of the problem with my mum is jealousy. For example if I mention going out anywere and my MIL babysits (My mum has told on numerous occasions she will not babysit) she gets the hump with me and won't talk to me for days because me and DH have dared to go out and even worse his mum has watched the girls.
At times I really just want to tell her to get a grip !

IAmTheCookieMonster Tue 09-Aug-11 20:51:45

all you can do is just not tell her anything :-(

ENormaSnob Tue 09-Aug-11 22:25:34

Your mum is a tool.

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