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To think my husband is hiding something?

(11 Posts)
Ihatetidying Sun 07-Aug-11 16:22:00

I've changed names, as my DH found out my username.

So I've posted about problems we've had, and I've wanted to end things; he's always persuaded me that he does love me though - but now I'm not so sure.

We've got a 13 month old DD, and I'm expecting another in a few months. I've never felt particularly confident when pregnant (I have a 19yr old DS from a previous r/ship), and of course don't feel at all sexy or attractive. I put on a lot of weight with DD, which I'd only just begun to seriously lose, when I fell pregnant again.

DH has been looking up old mates. Nothing wrong with that I guess - I do it as well. But this time it's different, and I feel inexplicably threatened!

Today he looked up another mate who he used to get 'stoned' with. This mate had moved to New Zealand (DH knew this), and DH decided to try to find him & his family. I thought nothing of it, till he came in and said that it'll cost him over £1000 to go & see him - I never even imagined he would consider it! We can't afford it at the moment, though he said if it'd been cheaper he'd have booked a flight.... I don't get it... this is someone from his previous life (with his ex & his own grown DS), and to go across the world to visit him - leaving me & our baby at home (his 'supposed' new family) is just weird to me. It also pisses me off that he went abroad on holiday (alone) when I was 7 months pregnant with DD, and again when DD was 4 months old - yet we've NEVER been on holiday together.... I don't know if IBU to not expect him to spend another penny on ANY trip abroad, unless we all come too - even if it is to see some old mate?

He also keeps saying cryptic things - my DS has MH problems, & he met his current GF at a place for people with MH problems.... DH said that one person with MH problems should NEVER get involved with another, yet I met him at a centre for people with MH problems (I have bipolar, DH has been depressed), so basically DH thinks we shouldn't have got together.

He's also always ogling other women - especially young girls. The other day he smiled at a 15/16 yr old girl in Boots - and I mean smiled! He never wants to walk around town with me - always walking behind me, never holding my hand - embarrassed to be with me I feel... and it hurts like hell!!!

We never have sex anymore - well nowhere near enough for my liking anyway. When we first met we were all over each other, and I know that fades, but it's been less than two years, and he just can't be bothered. It's always in the early hours of the morning (when I knackered, having a baby & being pregnant), and I long for him to want to come upstairs earlier - to put some effort into our intimacy, not just go to bed, chat, kiss, fumble... I feel like the most undesirable woman in the world, and frankly it's affecting my desire & love for him...

HerHissyness Sun 07-Aug-11 16:35:50

what do you think he's hiding?

Mitmoo Sun 07-Aug-11 16:42:43

YANBU he sounds like a selfish sod to be honest he wants to spend the family finances on holidays for himself while you are pregnant and with a young child to care for with no regard for your feelings.

Some people just can't see that their partners also have needs.

Ihatetidying Sun 07-Aug-11 16:44:03

That he doesn't want to be with me, but isn't prepared to tell me. He wanted me to abort the baby I'm carrying, and I do wonder if that was because he wanted out.

His whole not wanting to be seen with me makes me feel like shit! He doesn't see his friends anymore - and I'm sure that's because he doesn't want them to meet me.

His female 'friend' (ex fuk buddy), always comments on his facebook statuses, which pisses me off, she must know how rocky things are - she probably knows he doesn't want to be with me.

When I had DD last year he did tell me that we wouldn't always be "gaga about each other", and I guess his feelings must have changed then.

I guess he's hiding his true feelings - that he doesn't fancy me anymore, doesn't want sex, and (TBH) doesn't want me!

didyouseewhatshedid Sun 07-Aug-11 16:53:09

Not sure what you're getting out of this relationship OP.

bananasplitz Sun 07-Aug-11 16:55:51

why do you keep having babies in this rocky relationship?

isnt it best to sort things out before putting more stress on a difficult situation

Mitmoo Sun 07-Aug-11 16:58:56

But do you still want him?

lazarusb Sun 07-Aug-11 16:59:09

Sorry for what you are going through. To me it sounds like he is living a single life (at least in his head) and hasn't been thinking about you very much at all. sad When he said you wouldn't be gaga about each other all the time it sounds like he was almost writing out a disclaimer for himself. Like it was a 'get out of jail free' card. Have you told him how you feel about any of this? If you are prepared to hear something you might not want to hear then go ahead.... if you don't, however, can you continue living like this?

You sound like a nice person who has had a very full couple of years. Best of luck x

HerHissyness Sun 07-Aug-11 17:42:56

Taking HIM out of the equation, what do YOU want out of life? What would make YOU happy personally?

LadyThumb Sun 07-Aug-11 17:44:19

Sounds to me like he doesn't like being tied down any more. And having another baby isn't helping, especially as he said he didn't want another one. I don't think this relationship is really on track to last long.

nickschick Sun 07-Aug-11 17:58:03

I think that you have your 'problems',your dh has his 'problems',your ds has his 'problems' and theres a baby and a newborn coming into it all,it needs sorting and soon.

Your hormones are all over the place,your dh may not be in the best of health mentally to be 'living normally' I have only recently understood how the scales of depression can really change the way a person acts,it seems to me that your dh is clutching at straws and trying to 'recreate' his previous days with his old friends,perhaps his depression has made him want to rekindle a happier stoned time? perhaps the responsibility for his family is rather a heavy weight to carry?.

And then poor you having to try and muddle through it all its hardly surprising you are looking for reassurance from him and feeling so low when you feel turned down,tbf I dont think that a smile at a 15 year old was the way you think -I just think youd like some of those smiles too.

If your dh has access to the kind of money he needs for such a trip you need to address it now,if he doesnt then you can perhaps use that focus to save for a holiday for your family too,I dont think he should be going abroad without you either.

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