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AIBU?

WRT money?

47 replies

HarryDan · 07/08/2011 13:16

Just got a 'payrise' as started working F/T. DH & I share childcare, cooking, housework etc equally. We're looking at finances & just had a big barney about money :(

He currently earns abit more then me - about £230 to be exact. He is saying I should pay half of my payrise in the communal pot to even out what we are both left with.

Thing is 'communal pot' would include a loan he took out before we were married, to help pay the deposit on the house. We wern't together at this time, so I don't feel I should have to pay for that. He argues that I live in the house, & get the benefit from it, so should take on equal responsibly for that loan. But to me, I live in the house & pay the mortgage - how he got the house is not really my concern. If we were to divorce (not that I am planning to,btw!) surely the courts would factor in our contributions and not just rule a 50/50 split, so he would be entitled to more of a share?

AIBU to think that the loan is not my problem? (I have my own debts, btw, e.g car loan that I am not expecting him to take responsibility for, even though he enjoys use of my car, on occasion).

I think that we should make a list of all shared costs (utilies, mortgage, childcare etc) and then pay into it proportionally from our salary. Personal costs (cars, debts, petrol, subscriptions) we should pay individually. Trouble is, I am rubbish at math, and can't work out the proportion. We have started a spreadsheet but I am practically number blind so get really confused trying to figure out what is fair.

Neither of us are particularly good with money and the argument arose from each of us feeling angry and resentful as we hit our overdrafts each month and have little to show for working so hard

I feel abit pissed off that I will be working an extra day a week and will have very little to show for it, if I am to give him half of that days pay.

Who do you think is being unreasonable?

(thanks for reading, & sorry it's long)

OP posts:

Report

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 13:21

I have no idea - I am married and everything is in one 'big pot' nothing is mine or yours.

HarryDan · 07/08/2011 13:24

Do work outside the home Valium?

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 13:25

I used to but not now OP. Everything is pooled, savings, current account, the lot.

flyingspaghettimonster · 07/08/2011 13:26

I can't understand the point in not combining all resources... why does there have to be 'yours' and 'mine'? It would save aggro like this...

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 07/08/2011 13:27

yy to your plan to share proportionally. You should each have the same amount of money left over after the bills have been paid, and yes, personal costs should be exactly that.

Whether you decide the loan for the house is a personal cost or a household bill is up to you. But I'd be erring on the side of household bill, tbh.

fastweb · 07/08/2011 13:28

Is your name on the deeds love, as in were you added as joint owner to a house he bought after you got married ?

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 07/08/2011 13:28

There is aggro when one half of the partnership feels they're not getting their fair share of the nicer things in life.

thursday · 07/08/2011 13:32

i dont understand this form of marriage.

bananasplitz · 07/08/2011 13:32

I have no idea - I am married and everything is in one 'big pot' nothing is mine or yours.

this ^^

we both work FT, husband takes home twice as much as me. We both spend what we like, when we like. The money is put in the bank, the bills are paid from that and so are treats

its worked for us for 30 years, dont think we will be changing anytime soon

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 13:34

Yeah we've been doing it like that for 20 years too and dh has always earned shedloads more than me but it's still OUR money.

HarryDan · 07/08/2011 13:34

I can understand that Valium if there is only one salary.

Mary - maybe I am BU then. Bah.

Fasty, no to either...do you think I should be added?

OP posts:

StopRainingPlease · 07/08/2011 13:34

Does the house belong to him only or is it in joint names? If it belongs to both of you, I don't see why you shouldn't share in the loan.

When I married DH I paid 2k to pay off his credit cards (he wasn't feckless, just a poor student) so we could start with a clean slate. I appreciate your loans are probably rather more but I'd see it the same way - debts should get shared, as should income.

I'd feel differently I guess if it was debts due to gambling, careless over-spending etc.

lenak · 07/08/2011 13:36

I'd say his loan was a household bill, as is your car. If you really wan to to go down the proportion route, work out the total cost of essential outgoings (including debt and loan repayments).

You then total up the incomings and work out what percentage each of you contributes - so if you have a total income of £1000, he brings in £600 (60%), you bring in £400 (40%) - you then apply these percentages to the total outgoings to tell you how much you need to pay.

However, that is quite a faff.

All of our money goes into one pot - we then take a set amount of 'pocket money' out each month for personal expenses - lunches, clothes (that are treats - essential clothes tend to come out of joint money), take aways, cd's, books, going out etc.

Anything left after the bills have been paid and we've had our 'pocke money' goes into joint savings.

CailinDana · 07/08/2011 13:36

If you give us the numbers we could work out the proportions for you if you like.

However, I think the mine and yours way of working is unnecessarily complicated - DH and I have always pooled everything. I think it works because we have similar attitudes to money though. In your case I think it might be time to sit down and try to start being sensible with how you spend.

FWIW I think your DH is right about the loan for the deposit being a shared expense. Think of it as part of the mortgage. It is fair that you both contribute to paying towards the house.

In my opinion the best thing to do is to consider your combined salaries the income for the household, use it to pay all bills, then divide what is left after savings between you. That way one partner doesn't end up short while the other is living the high life.

HarryDan · 07/08/2011 13:36

Thursday..what don't you understand about it?
If your DH had a substantial amount of debt before you got married, would you be happy to take it on?

OP posts:

MrsSchadenfreude · 07/08/2011 13:37

If you are not on the deeds as joint owner, yes, it could cause problems if you split. It is currently "his" house, not yours as well.

bananasplitz · 07/08/2011 13:39

if he had a substantial amount of saving accrued before you met him, would you expect you would share in what he purchased with those savings?

HarryDan · 07/08/2011 13:40

hmm...thanks for these replies. Lots of food for thought. It does feel like 'his house' Mrs S as I'm not on the deeds.

Thank you for all your input - I need to go and do housework now but will come back to this later.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 07/08/2011 13:40

Best to find out about the deeds. I'm not sure it matters whether you're on them or not, considering that you're married, but best to check anyway.

I wouldn't be too happy about taking on debt my DH accrued going on holiday or buying a fancy car but I think it's a bit mean of you not to help out with debt that went towards the house you live in. I can totally see where your DH is coming from on that one.

lenak · 07/08/2011 13:40

Oh - just to add, I think you should be on the deeds - also, if you remortgage you should have a joint mortgage. It would protect both of you.

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2011 13:40

As he can't presumably get rid of the debt easily as he now has a family I think it should be taken into account.
He can hardly sell the house to clear it, can he?
And I don't understand separate pots either.
If your money was pooled, bills paid, savings accounted for and then individual spends allocated then all would be fair imo.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 07/08/2011 13:45

I think a bit of both.

He IBU to suddenly expect you to pay towards the loan, when you didn't before.

YABU to see the loan as nothing to do with you, as as he rightly points out you live in the house and get the benefit of it all the time.

You need to work out all your outgoings, including payments on this loan. Then look at your total income and work out what percentage of the total he earns, and what percentage you earn. These are then the percentages you each pay of the outgoings.

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thursday · 07/08/2011 13:49

he did and i did. we're married, forever. just nominating it as HIS is not going to stop it coming our of OUR family income. not saying i dont resent his previous money fuckeupedness making life tight for us for a few years, cos i do. but i dont have the time for calculations and nitpicking over who pays what bill. saying you dont see why you should pay towards the debt that bought your home just because you weren't around sounds, well, petty to me. sorry.

perhaps i'd feel different if we had surplus money and it was a question of spending money and i thought i was going without more than him. i know my SIL was very proud of their mine and yours system til she lost her job and my brother is still very keen on the mine bit, so she has none.

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 13:49

I can understand that Valium if there is only one salary - I worked F/T for longer than I haven't OP - we still pooled all wages.

Sewmuchtodo · 07/08/2011 14:11

Everything is pooled in this house too. DH earns a lot more than I do but neither of us view that as 'his' money as I work less hours.

We view it that combined X amount comes in each month and Z amount goes out. Whatever is left is ours.....mostly spent on the kids, occasional night away, lunch out and so on.

I would much rather we both had more to show for the extra day at work and enjoyed it together than I kept it for me.

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