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To be annoyed by the disapproving looks my SIL gave my 3 year old....

(61 Posts)
MrBloomsNursery Sun 07-Aug-11 11:31:12

Sorry, just wrote it all out and it's quite long....

Okay, so I'm muslim, and my SIL decided to have a big feast in her house in the evening and invite her neighbours around. Sunset is at around 8.50pm and so naturally a child of 3, who has been awake since 7am without a nap in the day will get fussy and in my daughter's case, a bit loopy from tiredness.

My SIL invited me around to "help" her and that there won't be that many people so being a nice person that I am, I asked her to pick me up at 6.30pm and I also made some food to take along. Our car is broken so I couldn't drive there myself (even though I bloody wish I had).

So firstly it usual custom to sit and pray for a little while before sunset - everyone was quiet in the room and my DD got fussy and started rolling on the sofa. This is the first "look" that SIL gave my daughter. I saw her and took DD upstairs and put cbeebies on the computer for her to keep entertained for a little while. It was about 7.30pm.

Then when fast opened at sunset, SIL starts ordering me around to get things from the kitchen like plates and spoons, and she starts serving up other children whilst my daughter who is really hungry at that stage (she had tea at about 5pm) starts getting agitated. Second "look" from SIL because DD is not behaving again. So at this point I just sat down with DD and started helping her eat as I knew how hungry and tired she was. I got a few looks from her for sitting down and feeding my daughter.

So, at this point I'm thinking of asking my brother to drop me off home, but it's so busy and SIL is adamant she needs me there hmm. So I carry on hosting and offering guests food and water etc...

Finally it got to about 10.50pm and by this point my DD had gone mad. She was running around the whole house screaming and generally being stupid because this is what happens to her when she gets tired. So many times I told her to calm down and sit down, but she wasn't listening to me. I even took her upstairs and asked her if she wanted to sleep but she was too hyper to stop. So we come back downstairs and DD starts running again and SIL gives DD another look and catches her and tells her to be quiet....I WAS SO ANGRY that I ended up shouting at my DD, for no reason and I cried when I got home because it wasn't her fault. My little daughter had been up since 7am, and I had been helping this woman all evening and neglecting her.

So really am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that my SIL kept looking at DD like that? She has 2 daughters aged 10 and 8, who in my memory have NEVER stayed at our house that late with their mother helping me. When they were younger she used to run off home claiming that they needed routine and their sleep, yet it was okay for DD to ruin her routine and then expect her to behave like an older child for nearly 5 hours in the evening.

Tonight I am inviting brother and SIL around for dinner, and I am thinking of saying something to her. My DH thinks I'm being stupid, but I want to remind this bitch that 3 year olds can't be expected to behave at that time in the evening when they're tired. Should I say anything? If so, how could I put it in a nice way so she gets the hint I was annoyed.

bananasplitz Sun 07-Aug-11 11:35:20

you were daft to have gone in the first place

it would be obvious to a blind man that its not suitable for a 3 year old at that time of evening

GypsyMoth Sun 07-Aug-11 11:36:41

You clearly know your daughter, you should have left her with a babysitter or not gone!

Gastonladybird Sun 07-Aug-11 11:37:02

Yanbu to be upset at how she acted but why did you accept. I understand family and religious obligations but sounds like your sil wouldn't have done what you did when he kids were that age so not sure why you did. How do you get on with her generally?

Guitargirl Sun 07-Aug-11 11:37:16

YANBU to be a bit cross with your SIL but why on earth did you allow this to happen in the first place? Your 3 year-old DD was still up at 11pm when she had been up since 7am. You are her mother - not your SIL - and it was up to you to say, 'no, this is ridiculous, I am putting my child's needs first and SIL, you will have to manage the evening yourself or get a friend to help'.

emsyj Sun 07-Aug-11 11:37:17

YABU to keep a 3 year old up until 10.50pm. I would be past my best at that time most nights and I am 32.

Of course you cannot expect a 3 year old to be well-behaved at 10.50pm. That's why, when you have a 3 year old, you either get a babysitter if you plan to be out late, or you say 'we'd love to come, but DD goes to bed at 7.30pm usually so we'll need to leave by X time'.

I am utterly bewildered as to why you are annoyed and calling her a bitch - you are an adult, you could have left and gone home to put your child to bed like any normal person.

MrBloomsNursery Sun 07-Aug-11 11:37:47

I know, and I won't be going again, but she phoned and asked me to help her and I couldn't say "no". DH was working late so I had to take DD with me. Definitely will not be going again.

LadyWithNoManors Sun 07-Aug-11 11:38:27

Why did you take her if you knew she would be up till all hours of the night?

DuelingFanjo Sun 07-Aug-11 11:39:14

Couldn't you have left your dd with your dh. Or not gone. Or asked for somewhere to put your dd down to sleep. Or fed her earlier yourself. Or left early?

Gastonladybird Sun 07-Aug-11 11:39:26

Couldn't say no?hmm

MrBloomsNursery Sun 07-Aug-11 11:40:31

Well they're my relatives, and I would expect them to give a child of that age benefit of the doubt. I couldn't go home because I didn't have my car and SIL insisted on me staying until the end. I tried to put DD to bed upstairs but she wasn't having it. I called her a bitch because I am quite angry at the way she expected DD to behave normally at that time at night.

DuelingFanjo Sun 07-Aug-11 11:41:06

How to put it a nice wayhow about 'I definitely won't be able to help with that kind of thing again as it was way too late for dd'

bubblesincoffee Sun 07-Aug-11 11:41:23

I wouldn't say anything, but then I wouldn't put my 3yo dd in a situation where she was going to be tired and hungry so late.

Sil said she needed you to help, it was up to you to say you could'nt because you had a child whose needs come first. You can't blame her for the consequenses of your choice.

Your sil does sound intolerant of normal small child behaviour, but that is all the more reason not to spend so long at her house in the first place.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sun 07-Aug-11 11:42:08

Of course you could say no. You chose to say yes. You chose to stay there and you chose to keep your daughter up that late.

Yes, your sil did not have to give your daughter funny looks, that was stupid of her and showed a total lack of understanding.

But the responsibility for the state your child was in was yours. She was in that state due to the choices that you made. Learn from that. It's good that you say that you will not be doing it again.

MrBloomsNursery Sun 07-Aug-11 11:42:10

DH was working late, so I had to take DD with me. If someone came and helped me all evening, I would be understanding that their child may get a bit agitated. Not give horrible looks to the child all evening. I didn't even get a thank you.

spookshowangel Sun 07-Aug-11 11:43:35

sorry but if a child was behaving badly at my house and the parent was not stopping it or doing something about it i would not be happy. you are making your sil out to be the controlling witch but you have a voice you can choose what you say and do.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sun 07-Aug-11 11:43:42

Again, you had a choice with the looks. You could have stood in front of your sil and said "I notice that my daughter seems to be disturbing you. It is late, she is tired and hungry. I shall take her home now."

GypsyMoth Sun 07-Aug-11 11:44:11

Call a taxi?!

MrBloomsNursery Sun 07-Aug-11 11:44:19

Oh, she's already planning another "get together" in a few weeks, and I've already started practising my lines of saying "no". I just find it really disrespectful. If I had my car, I would have left as soon as people had started eating.

bubblesincoffee Sun 07-Aug-11 11:44:33

Why do you think you couldn't say no?

mum0ftw0 Sun 07-Aug-11 11:44:59

I believe that the real person you are annoyed at is yourself, for putting your daughter through that.
You should be stronger, as her mother, and put her needs first ALWAYS.

You can't rely on other peole to 'allow' you to put her first.
You're the boss of making sure your baby girl is okay.

All I would say tonight is how you regret keeping your daughter last night and it was very unfair on her.
And in future make sure you put her first.

MrBloomsNursery Sun 07-Aug-11 11:47:01

I did make comments about how it was really late and should be getting home, but SIL insisted that I should stay.

I WASN'T LETTING my daughter misbehave. I was trying to discipline her at the same time as helping SIL. SIL should have been greatful that I came at all with a child that age.

MrBloomsNursery Sun 07-Aug-11 11:48:33

Thank You mumOftw0 - that is exactly WHY I am so frustrated. I am annoyed with myself for doing that to DD. I'm an idiot and I won't be putting her through that again. That is exactly what I am feeling.

attheendoftheday Sun 07-Aug-11 11:48:35

Difficult, your SIL should have been more understanding of your dd and YANBU to be irritated by this but YAB a bit U to keep a 3 year old up so late.

I would probably leave it this time and next time SIL asks for help say you can't in case dd gets overtired 'becauseyou know how much it bothers her'.

Georgimama Sun 07-Aug-11 11:50:07

You sound pretty down trodden tbh if you "couldn't say no" but you managed to call your SIL a bitch so you can't be that cowed by her. You shouldn't have gone or you shouldn't have stayed so late. You keep saying you didn't have your car but there are these things called taxis, you know.

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