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advice needed

(29 Posts)
cuteboots Sat 06-Aug-11 21:34:18

ok here goes!! My littlle boys dad came to see him last week and they were having a play fight that got out of control. He called my son stupid and when I pulled him up for calling him this lots of other stuff came out as well! then we proceeded to have a full scale row and he stomped out of the house! He hasnt called his son since Thursday when this happened so obviously me shouting at him now means we are in his bad books again!!! Do I need to grow a backbone and let him call his son and if he doesnt just leave it? Im now trying to deal with an unhappy little boy who doesnt understand why his dad isnt phoning him.

snippywoo2 Sat 06-Aug-11 21:37:33

phone the mardy fucker and ask him what he thinks he's playing at

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Aug-11 21:38:53

YABU if you had the full scale row in front of your little lad.

I don't think you need to grow a backbone because you challenged him on saying he was stupid.

He's being immature and cruel taking out a row you had between yourselves on his child.

Not good all round really, how is contact normally between the two?

maras2 Sat 06-Aug-11 21:39:11

How old is your little boy cuteboots?

MissPenteuth Sat 06-Aug-11 21:40:44

If it's you he's fallen out with and he's taking it out on your son by not seeing him, that's not on. When you say he called him 'stupid', was he just playing or did he say it seriously/angrily?

cuteboots Sat 06-Aug-11 21:41:42

I may well give that a go in the morning.

cuteboots Sat 06-Aug-11 21:43:04

maras2- hs seven and a half

fedupofnamechanging Sat 06-Aug-11 21:44:22

He should call his son. Whatever has gone on between the two of you, he has no right to just drop out of his child's life like that. I would call him (when your child is not around) and tell him to get a grip.

I think you were right to tell him not to call your child stupid, but you shouldn't row in front of your child (if you did - an not sure from the what you said)

cuteboots Sat 06-Aug-11 21:46:57

agentzigzag-We dont really get on that well and the row was in the living room but my little boy did come down after hed left to see if i was ok so it must have been a bit loud. He was really angry when he said the stupid bit and he did repeat it as well. I maybe ripped his head off as my stepdad called me the same thing when I was little and Im not having my son go there!

Mitmoo Sat 06-Aug-11 21:50:14

With the benefit of hindsite, let him leave then call him out of hearing of the child and roast him for calling the child stupid. Tosspot who is the child here? I have an ex who is a right royal pain in the arse too.

Text him and tell him not to take his bad moods out on the child and he can't take them out on him. If he can behave like a rational human being then to call his son.

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Aug-11 21:50:51

Not ideal for your DS to hear, but I reckon better he hear you defending him than it look like it's OK for his dad to call him stupid.

cuteboots Sat 06-Aug-11 21:51:49

karmabeliever-The argument was all about him calling him stupid but then other stuff came out about his business and the fact he may go to prison for non payment of tax and national ins. Apparently he owes a lot of money!!

kittensliveupstairs Sat 06-Aug-11 21:54:37

Your DS father is a tosser. I swear a lot, the only word (or at least one of the only words) we don't ever use is stupid.

cuteboots Sat 06-Aug-11 21:55:28

mitmoo- Being honest the man is a nightmare and I try to be polite for the sake of my son but sometimes its not easy is it?

squeakytoy Sat 06-Aug-11 21:57:25

I think you were in the wrong to make a big deal out of him calling his son stupid. You say they were play fighting, so it should have just been left.

You know and he knows that it was a word said in the heat of the moment, and not a particularly bad word really.. one that most children will bandy about to each other all the time. My view is, if you turn it into a "how dare you call my son stupid".. when (and it will happen, because all children do it), another kid in the playground calls it him, your son could get very upset because he remembers this occasion and thinks it is a really really nasty thing to say.

As for him not contacting his son because of a row with you, that is out of order, and he shouldnt be playing those sort of games. I would send him a text along the lines of "can you please call your son, he wants to talk to you".

Mitmoo Sat 06-Aug-11 21:58:17

Hell no cute boots how I haven't lunged at my ex on a regular basis is a matter for psychiatrists to ponder over for decades. He has pushed so many boundaries it's not true.

cuteboots Sat 06-Aug-11 21:58:31

kittens live upstairs- I cant argue with that one!! Im no angel and I do swear when the need arises but not in frt if my son and same as you never the stupid word!!

cuteboots Sat 06-Aug-11 22:01:43

mitmoo- If there was a medal for crossing lines hed have a whole heap of them on his side board ! Im just so glad I have my son but Im afraid thats all Im gonna say!

ChumleeIsMyHomeboy Sat 06-Aug-11 22:01:58

Jeeze if my son had a pound for every time he's been called stupid he could retire at the age of 20! Shall we just get a grip here and stop having a total breakdown every time someone says something non-fluffy to us or our kids? It won't kill them and in not very long at all they won't remember it!

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Aug-11 22:06:03

The OPs already said she knows what the effects of being called/made to feel stupid can be like Chumlee.

Nothing to do with being fluffy.

cuteboots Sat 06-Aug-11 22:09:24

Im deffo not fluffy!

kittensliveupstairs Sat 06-Aug-11 22:13:45

chumlee I am probably the least fluffy person in our area, I loathe the word stupid and have chosen not to ever use it.
My DD has been called many things, that one is the only one I reign myself in on. She was called it by my father angry, she cried for about 15 minutes and she is not fluffy or soft either.

Mitmoo Sat 06-Aug-11 22:24:41

chumlee my son has autism and OCD and has been often suicidal. You have no idea how some children can be affected by a parent belittling them or rejecting them. FOR some it can kill them.

It is not worth the risk.

festi Sat 06-Aug-11 22:24:59

I think its a matter of standards and what is individually offensive or unacceptable behaviour and as parents we should be able to thrash that out in an adult manner wether we are seperated or not...that said its not that cut and dry, he was in your house if you dont want him to call your son stupid he must respect that wether he thinks it ott or not.

having been in a similar situation with exp that turned into a full blown row in front of dd before she was 2 and his ds who was 10 my exp swore and shouted at me, I told him not to and he continued, I then asked him to leave and call me later when dd was in bed and we could talk then, he said if I go I wont be back and I didnt hear from him for at least 8 months and then I suggested we go through mediation before I was willing to consider any contact or access, as we had a seriouse communication break down, I then didnt hear from him for another 18mnts when he had a new gf and decided to go with the mediation. Dd is now 5 and only just building a relationship with him which is sad and the bond they once shared was totaly lost and has had to be rebuilt, although very sad, I dont feel thats my fault and totally his call. I felt very strongly about the message this kind of contact would give my dd and accepting him playing games with a babys emotions over a silly emotional argument between us was not what I was willing to accept for her. but she was only 2 and so needed me to advocate for her.

My honest opinion is at 7 your son can advocate a certain amount to maintain a relationship with his dad, if he requests to call him allow him to without a second thought, it may break the ice and lead to communication between the two of you. If you feel it has caused a total breakdown wait untill you hear from him and suggest mediation. I think your sons age however should allow him to dictate at present what contact he wishes untill your ex either gets intouch himself your your ds calls him. But you do not need to accept him treating your or son badly. mediation will help thrash out what expectations you both have.

worraliberty Sat 06-Aug-11 22:29:00

If you two don't get on that well, why did the contact take place at your place?

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