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Severely depressed dh help needed I'm at wits end

(36 Posts)
Mrswhiskerson Sat 06-Aug-11 20:25:21

My dh suffers depression on a regular basis, but this episode is the worst so far he is aggressive bad tempered and I am actually quite scared of him at the minute I am always waiting fir him to blow up , we have been to the doctors who have given him various medication none of which have worked so far the last one being citroplam which actually
made things much worse .
I can't take much more of his moods and aggressive behaviour I am thinking of leaving him but I have nowhere to go and it is an ilness so I feel if I left it wouldn't be fair iyswim? His job and the way he was treated their had been getting him down for years but he never left because he though he wouldn't get emlployment elsewhere due to a bad sickness record, eventually he left and I have found myself a full time job which can support us but he is still so angry, he says work has ruined his life which is crap he is letting it ruin his life .
The doctor reffered him for counselling which still hasn't co
e through yet even though it is an emergency case and he has been given a light form of Valium which also seems to do nothing to help.

Is there anything else I can do? Or alternative treatments? We are really at a make or break point now and I don't want to split but I also don't want ds being brought up in this toxic atmosphere .
I'm at my wits end to be honest.

LineRunner Sat 06-Aug-11 20:30:10

I think your husband might need a lot more than a GP's refarral onto a waiting list for counselling, tbh.

You probably need that, to help you cope, but your husband sounds like he needs a referral to a specialist mental health team.

Sorry about your situation, MrsW, and I'm sure others will come on and be able to help more.

Mitmoo Sat 06-Aug-11 20:31:18

I dont know but I do feel for you. Look to your child and do what is best for him is the only advice I have.

YouDoTheMath Sat 06-Aug-11 20:31:55

Sorry you're going through this. Does he have / is he looking for another job? If he finds something like contentment in a new workplace, it might be a start.

Also, how long ago did your doc apply for counselling?

squeakytoy Sat 06-Aug-11 20:32:43

Are there any other family members who can help you.

My husband had a nervous breakdown last year, and it was very hard to cope with, but we got through it, with a lot of family support too.

Kladdkaka Sat 06-Aug-11 20:36:26

As far as I'm aware employers are no longer allowed to include sickness/absence details on a reference and potential employers aren't allowed to ask. It amounts to indirect discrimation again people with disabilities. Long term depression is a disability.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 06-Aug-11 20:36:43

Does your dh have a chronic illness which caused his 'bad' sickness record with his previous employer?

How long has he been unemployed and is he receiving JSA? Is he making any effort to find new employment, or is has he become a SAHD while you work?

SmethwickBelle Sat 06-Aug-11 20:42:30

Maybe whatever else you do, start putting things in place for an exit - you haven't done anything wrong, yes you leaving isn't going to "help" but you need to put your/your DCs safety first.

Walking on eggshells all the time and constantly modifying what you do to stop someone else from getting angry or being miserable, it is a heavy burden for you to shoulder, I'm sorry you've had to cope with it for so long.

Mrswhiskerson Sat 06-Aug-11 21:08:25

The arrangement was for me to work full time and for him to be a sahd , the sickness was caused by depression but it has never been as bad as this , I thought him leaving would help but he says he is seething about the way he was treat , he was very badly bullied by certain members of staff and despite numerous complaints nothing was ever done.
When he goes off on o e he says the most horrible things then is full of regret when he comes to as it were but once something is said it's said. The gp referred him for counselling as a emergency and anger management , the situation feels hopeless now and because he abused drugs when he was a teenager the doctors are reluctant to give him anything stronger, he also has insommnia and is tired all the time. Again the doc won't give him sleeping tablets in case he becomes addicted . I'm scared if I left he would commit suicide or hurt himself but if I stay what will happen. His family
are supportive but they weren't much help when ds was Ill and blamed us because the house was messy , it actually wasn't we did have a stage where it was but that was because as well as working full time I tried to clean but it was all on my own and I struggled to cope so it is being used against us all the time even though it was in the past. Is there any way I can get him help without a gp?

YouDoTheMath Sat 06-Aug-11 21:26:02

You could pay for private counselling, but that will be expensive.

Non-emergency counselling, in my experience, comes through within 8 weeks. Has it been anywhere near that long for you, seeing as yours IS emergency?

joric Sat 06-Aug-11 21:31:06

Let's just say I have been in a similar situation with DP. Depression is an illness and DH does need help - it is all consuming for the person concerned and my concern is for you and your DS because the atmosphere IS toxic and unhealthy.
Whatever the reasons for his depression, whatever you do, look after yourself first. We hear a lot about how the depressed person feels and what they need but please think about yourself too and find ways of finding happiness yourself.
I have been in a situation which went on for a long time- eventually, I found a way of empathising and supporting whilst at the same time detaching myself and refusing to accept certain types of behaviour so that I could feel safe and happy. Don't allow him to frighten you- he has no right.
All the best OP, take care.

LineRunner Sat 06-Aug-11 21:37:19

MrsW, you need to get back to your GP and insist on an emergency referral to a mental health practitioner. Please try to be firm. "I'm not leaving here without a solution," said calmly, as many times as it takes, would be a start.

talkingnonsense Sat 06-Aug-11 21:38:47

If he blows up or breaks down call an ambulance or take him to a and e, it sounds awful but it may help him and the health caters to take it seriously. If he is really unwell he could be admitted to a psychiatric ward which would give him intensive care and you some space.

hairylights Sat 06-Aug-11 21:39:05

His depression is absolutely no excuse.

I was in an almost identical situation. I had bochildreb though. I left with a carrier bag because it became unbearable to live like that and I was scared.

I did feel guilty for a long time, but I have learned to accept that I could not fix him, it wasn't my role to fix him and I could not sacrifice my own happiness for a person that - albeit depressed - treated me like crap.

I really hope you come out of this happy - but don't sacrifice yourself to someone that treats you badly, just because he is depressed.

InFlames Sat 06-Aug-11 21:43:35

What an awful situation. I really feel for you all.

There are a couple of things you can try, depending on urgency:

1. Back to GP, insist on referal to Community Mental Health Team - waiting time will depend on how open you are in part about how bad things are.

2. Go to A&E, ask to see Liaison Psychiatry (they are usually 24 hours and based in department but sometimes covered by the local Out of Hours Crisis Team, so may be a wait of a few hours). This is a quicker way, sometimes, of seeing Community Mental Health Team or, if the situation is desperate enough (and it sounds it) then seeing the Crisis Team (sometimes combining a slightly different service called a Home Treatment Team) who can see you and DH daily. They can arrange medication, reviews with psychiatrist, counselling and ongoing care, carers support and anger managment (as can Community MH Team).

3. Try something like MIND who will have details of local support for you, and for DH, that is outside the NHS.

4. Go back to GP and suggest that DH eeds urgent review by psychiatrist becuase of reactions to meds etc - valuium (won;t be a 'light form' but may well be a low dose iyswim?) will NOT help in this situation.

5. He may want to try, provided you check with pharmacist for any interactions and preexisitng medical conditions, an over the counter medication for sleep called Promethazine (also called Phenergan) - this is a very effective, non addicting sedative medication for sleep. But you MUST inform GP / any other health professionals that he is taking it before they give any other medication.

You must, and he must, be absolutely honest about anything such as suididal thoughts or anger / aggression towards yourself, in order to get decent, timely help.

You are in such a hard position, living with someone with depression can be as bad as expereincing depression. I really hope you get some help and that these suggestions are useful.

joric Sat 06-Aug-11 21:49:01

Brilliant post inflames smile

Mrswhiskerson Sat 06-Aug-11 21:54:24

It has been four weeks dh has been at the doctors every week almost begging for help , he knows he has a problem and is desperate to sort it somehow , we couldn't afford private counselling as our finances are extremely tight , I'm hoping something will co
e through quick . It is so sad we used to be so happy and I really want backthe lovely kind man I fell in love with not this angry paranoid man I hav e now . We both had traumtic childhoods and I desperately don't want that for ds neither does dh .

redexpat Sat 06-Aug-11 22:10:46

There are some lifestyle changes that can help with depression, although your DH obviously has bigger issues that need to be addressed. Exercise outdoors in natural sunlight everyday, eating fruit regularly can help keep energy levels up. Has your DH acknowledged that he needs some kind of therapy?

InFlames Sat 06-Aug-11 22:14:15

It sounds horrendous and like you're doing absolutely the right thing by your DS.

Has he expressed suicidal thoughts? This is one thing that will trigger a rapid referal to CMHT.

A&E are also used to seeing people in psychiatric crisis, pleas don't feel you'd be wasting their time or using the service inappropriately - you won't be. Is there anyone who could maybe take DS so you can go with him, if this is an option?

He does sound paranoid which can be concomitant with depression and may require slightly different medication to antidepressants - this can also get worse rapidly - do not hesitate to leave the house if you or DS are threatened in any way. Call the police who are also very good in my experience with MH issues.

Another thought may be to print this thread totake to GP or A&E - it will show just how tough things are for you.

InFlames Sat 06-Aug-11 22:15:54

And thanks joric tis what I do daily - hope it helps OP.

wicketkeeper Sat 06-Aug-11 22:16:50

You must look after yourself first and foremost, so that you can look after your DC and also help your DH. Make sure you eat well, and try to get out for some fresh air if you possibly can. You can't cure him - you're his wife, not his psychiatrist. All you can do is facilitate - by whatever means. Ime the few weeks after medication has been prescribed are the worst, as it takes a little while to kick in. Hang in there, don't stop loving him, but take your own needs very seriously.
There is light at the end, but it might be a very very long tunnel.

Mrswhiskerson Sun 07-Aug-11 01:28:10

Thanks everyone I appreciate it so much I don't know where I would be without the help of mn and everyone who has shown me so much support,
* in flames* thank you your post was great it has given me some hope.

And thanks to everyone else for your kind words and support. My family and friends have their own problems and family to take
care of so I do t feel I can burden them to muuch.

I am supposed to be starting
my new job soon which is agency work and that limits me as to where I can stay.
I love him so much and without the depression he is the most wonderful kind warmhearted man you could meet that is why when he is in the grip of depression it is a shock to the system to see the change In him.
It would break my heart completely if I lost him and ds adores hi
but today he said he was sick of it being all about me after the birth of ds, he
would get annoyed with people saying how much ds looked like me and how he felt like he had nothing to do with it which is unfair and untrue everything I did was for him and I suffered with pnd which led to depression which I got help for and came out stronger , his mum showed me a lot of love andtbh I think he is jealous , my family can get wrapped up in themselves so the love of his mum pretty much saved me and I was Ill for pretty
much the whole pregnancy amd think it is unfair and selfish of him to resent me for having her attention . Everything I do is to please him and make sure he is happy but it is not enough and I can't help but think you selfish fucker wake up and see you have everything maybe not money but a loving wife a house and a gorgeous angel of a ds plus more friends than you could shake a stick at . I know these things don't matter when it comes to depression but I am starting to resent him , I have taken control of everything I had to otherwise. We could have lost everything , getting a new job sorting out our debts and getting us on pay plan to ease the burden as well as finding a new job and still I have to take his crap I can't see what else I can do. Sorry if this sounds selfish I am in bit of a ranty mood.
He threw something at me the other day and said it wasn't meant to hit me it was a sudden burst of anger, I said what if it had hit me how wouldhe feel then? He burst into tears and said he would never forgive himself for it and promptly made a appointment at the doctors and told her everything, so he does know he has a problem it just seems to be hard getting the doctor to take appropriate action. He has never been violent towrds me before but I can't have my ds brought up in this environment.
Sorry if I am rambling I am just typing as it comes ifswim? I can see this all ending really bad and as I said before we love each other so much we had a great relationship to the point others were jealous , it seems a million years ago now.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 07-Aug-11 01:39:20

I'm afraid I don't know how to do neat little links but please read this article while I go search for a video link you can watch:

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=5&ved=0CFEQFjAE&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.telegraph.co.uk%2Fhealth%2Fwellbeing%2F7220734%2FTapping-therapy-curing-physical-and-mental-problems.html&rct=j&q=tapping&ei=fd09TtiQD422hAeU1v2sDg&usg=AFQjCNFxAbsR3eBVS3QMeclng67f20Rq1A&cad=rja

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 07-Aug-11 01:47:51

EFT is one of the more effective alternative therapies and the beauty of it is that, thanks to Youtube, you don't have to sign up to, or spend a day at, expensive workshops.

This is Brad Yates 'tap of the morning':http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CBoQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DaoSzivsQkVI&rct=j&q=brad%20yates%20tap%20of%20the%20morning&ei=1N49TsPsH8mnhAe4wqD_AQ&usg=AFQjCNHR3QJ1oos3DBVZVncAtEa7_Pb2Aw&cad=rja

and you can easily find the Youtube link to Brad Yates' 'tap of the evening'.

Have you told your dh in a calm, considered, non-ranty way how you feel as expressed in what you have just written?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 07-Aug-11 01:49:17

Apologies - I forgot to tick the box!

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CBoQtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DaoSzivsQkVI&rct=j&q=brad%20yates%20tap%20of%20the%20morning&ei=1N49TsPsH8mnhAe4wqD_AQ&usg=AFQjCNHR3QJ1oos3DBVZVncAtEa7_Pb2Aw&cad=rja

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