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in considering boycotting DH's family for the forseeable future?

(27 Posts)
Shoulddohousework Sat 06-Aug-11 16:17:48

Okay, be gentle, this is my first AIBU!
We had DS' christening at the weekend - important day, was part of Sunday Service so everyone had to be at church for 09.30 and then we had hired the church hall for a party afterwards with a bouncy castle and softplay for the kids, lots of food and drink for the adults - was really looking forward to it! Is a big deal to DH and his family that DS' were christened!

Anyway, after the service MIL and her sister storm out of church, get in the car and beep at everyone to get out of the way! Everyone else walks round to church hall and gathers in their little groups (every family occassion is a bit divided - my mam and dad are not together, DH's family do not tend to mix but usually everyone is polite!)
So by now it is about 11am, DH comes up and asks where his mam is? Explain have not seen her!

Okay, this is getting long so will try to cut it down, basically MIL does not turn up until 12.45 stays 20 mins, does not talk to anyone except her sister inc. me and DS's, gathers up her family and leaves.
Would like to point out that she wanted this christening and to be a part of it so had spent 2 weeks previously trying to include her in the preparation at DH's request!

Anyway at about 3pm, DH goes to MIL to drop some stuff left behind to find them all having a party in the garden!

I then find out that MIL's sister was rude to my mam and told her to Fuck off, sat giving dirty looks at my family,
DH's sister was rude to my cousin because she had to ask her to move to get to the children!

It did spoil the day quite a lot for me, and I ended up for feeling guilty because DH says MIL was upset because I made a comment about the food - which I said "Oh my god, look at all the food!" It was not a nasty comment but as MIL was not there, I know it is her sister and her giant wooden spoon stirring as usual!

Damn, this is long!
Anyway, AIBU to avoid going to MIL's, am currently refusing to go round as I know I will say something that may but probably won't regret but DH says I have to go!

ivykaty44 Sat 06-Aug-11 16:21:20

dh says you have to go - why is he in charge of you?

DogsBestFriend Sat 06-Aug-11 16:26:27

"DH says I have to go!"

And I say he's a domineering twat then!

What right does he have to say that you HAVE to do anything? All the more reason NOT to go imho.

You're a grown woman. If you don't want to mix with or visit someone, no matter who they are, that is entirely your right. So it's simple - if you don't want to go, don't go.

PerryCombover Sat 06-Aug-11 16:27:32

Families are insane.

If someone told your mother to feck off she should have dealt with NOT get involved after the fact.

Some people never get over a divorce. They never process the feeling and are stuck in the devastation and hurt. Try to bear that in mind

Some people genuinely are unaware of their manner and manners..try to keep that in mind when trying to assess any situation

Also try to remember that ANYTHING you hear from your side has another two sides...his family's side and what actually happened.

Get your H to agree that he owes you one as you are a saintly model of virtue who realises there is nowt as strange as folk

Let it go and secretly feel superior on the inside. You may need them to babysit

DizzyKipper Sat 06-Aug-11 16:28:27

Well avoiding things doesn't usually help. Saying that I am terrible for avoiding conflict, I find that usually with enough time things are concealed but definitely not forgotten, and tend to linger further damaging relations between people. It might be better that you go just to get it out of the way (even if it does mean blowing up at them and having a fight) so that everything can be sorted and settle sooner.
YANBU for considering boycotting them though, I know I would be.

Andrewofgg Sat 06-Aug-11 16:31:39

You don't have to visit MIL. But you do have to understand and accept it with a good grace if DH keeps in touch with his DM.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Aug-11 16:31:50

DH saying that I would 'have to go' would be like a red rag to me! You do not have to go.

They seem nutters. (strange behaviour at a christening -have they somehow missed that it is Christian?! hmm

I would just keep a dignified silence and don't let them get to you. Don't argue, justify or discuss.
Anything from their side I would just mildly say,'I don't want to discuss it' and change the subject. Keep a level tone and don't deviate from your sentence.
People can't stir if you ignore it.

However-I would have a break from them first.

Shoulddohousework Sat 06-Aug-11 16:33:01

Okay, should have worded that better DH says I 'should' go as we normally take DS' at the weekend to see MIL - he would not make me as I think he realises they were out of order this time and is concerned about what I might say

Do not ask MIL to babysit due to previous problems - so do not feel comfortable leaving DS' there unsupervised!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 06-Aug-11 16:34:24

Your husband says you have to go?

and what will he do if you don't?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 06-Aug-11 16:34:40

From what you have said, it appears that your MIL owes you a massive apology and courtesy dictates that she should visit you to deliver it.

I suggest you tell your dh to pass this message on to her - chances are he'll get an earful and an assurance that she won't be coming anywhere near you until hell freezes over.

Problem solved grin

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 06-Aug-11 16:34:42


Shoulddohousework Sat 06-Aug-11 16:35:57

Andrew Have no issue with DH going to MIL and taking DS' just will not be going myself and would not consider telling him not to go!

flyingspaghettimonster Sat 06-Aug-11 16:35:59

YANBU - but are being brave if you actually do avoid them. I was hurt at my daughter's christening - I am not Catholic, but husband's family are and begged for her to be christened as it would be shocking for the older relatives if she weren't. Well, they took it all out of our hands, after the (baptism? I really am not sure what it was!) we all went to the house they had decided to host a party in... me and a room full of near strangers, all Polish. All the gifts to the baby were engraved with a different name! I was told it was my daughter's name in Polish. I was so upset - nobody could understand that by calling the child a different name and writing it differently they were spoiling the whole thing. I went out of my way to name my next children things that could not be spoiled like that, but they still found a way!

Families, eh? Take some deep breaths and let it go, or else seethe always (like me) :-)

Andrewofgg Sat 06-Aug-11 16:38:16

Shoulddohousework You are a wonderful person and that is not flattery.

Collision Sat 06-Aug-11 16:39:22

I sucked up to my MIL for years until I realised what a miserable-excuse-for-a-human-she-was cow she was to everyone!

Then one day something snapped and I said that enough was enough and I would cry no more tears over her. If DH wants to see her he can. If he wants to take the boys to see her then he is welcome too. However, I hope I never clap eyes on her again and DH knows that now.

I am a lovely person and I would love to be able to get on with her and have a relationship with her. But she will not let me. She told me she needed no friends in her life. So that is that.

Your DH cannot make you do something you do not want to do. Stick to your guns. Life is too short for mean people!

Shoulddohousework Sat 06-Aug-11 16:41:29

Izzy Sounds good but DH does not do conflict with his DM, and is firmly in the camp that it is best to forget all about it and not mention it again where as I would like to throw a saucepan at her head!

Perry Trust me my DM is more than capable of looking after herself, was more pissed off that they would be rude for no reason - and have no reason to doubt it as I was on the receiving end of many of the sarcastic comments and dirty looks! But was not up to creating a scene at the time!

Nancy66 Sat 06-Aug-11 16:41:43

christenings are dull as shit - and they DID turn up, even if they didn't stay long.

fastweb Sat 06-Aug-11 16:42:04

No, you don't have to go.

If you husband wants to go he can take your son to see his GP.

You get a nice morning\afternoon off doing whatever you fancy.

See that's what happens when you behave like a nine year old drama queen, people would rather spend their free time doing something fun in preference to enduring another visit complete with barbed comments, undercurrents and frosty glances.

IMO It's important for kids to see parents lay out the ground rules of "treat me badly and you won't see me for dust", so their standards are set in the right place for the best possible chance at a calm and enjoyable life.

Shoulddohousework Sat 06-Aug-11 16:44:46

No offence Andrewofgg but not really sure what your problem is - unless you are one of my in-laws??? And not really looking for flattery!

Andrewofgg Sat 06-Aug-11 16:51:41

Not one of your in-laws shoulddohousework - just amazed at you having no issue with DH taking DS to your ghastly MIL. In your shoes given the history I would not want any contact with her for years - and neither would DW with my DM. Mercifully the issue never arose.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 06-Aug-11 16:59:37

If this is your dh's first visit to his dm post christening, I suspect she'll be bending his ear about her grievances, if she hasn't already done so.

IMO it would be for you to go to MIL's until the dust has settled. All she achieved by her appalling display of bad manners is to alienate herself from any place in your, and your family's, affections.

Shoulddohousework Sat 06-Aug-11 17:08:29

DH went to see MIL the day after and made his feelings very clear that her behaviour was unacceptable and that he did not want to discuss it anymore!
As I said he does not really do confrontation and would prefer to put it down to experience!

My DC are too young to understand what is going on and enjoy going to their GM's so I feel I would not be able to prevent them going without feeling that they were going to be harmed, but I do trust my DH's judgement to remove them if it was not suitable which is always what he has done in the past!

TattyDevine Sat 06-Aug-11 17:48:33

None of this stuff really matters.

Don't divide a family over it. It puts your DH in a dreadful position.

Smile and nod, smile and nod.

Shoulddohousework Sat 06-Aug-11 18:04:02

I will give in and go back to smiling and nodding, I know I will, just to keep the peace but these things happen every so often and I just needed a bit of perspective on it and to remind myself that something always happens to make it into a dramam so why the hell do I expect it to be any different?!

Perhaps a few people to remind me that all In-Laws are nuts not just mine! grin

I was mad and just needed a bit of time to calm down about 10 years should do it

exoticfruits Sat 06-Aug-11 22:16:54

Smiling and nodding gives you the high moral ground and there is nothing more annoying to those who wish to antagonise than failing to rise to the bait.

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