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To assume dh would come to the hospital?

(40 Posts)
PonceyMcPonce Fri 05-Aug-11 18:17:03

this is not a mad rant, honestly.

We have 3 dc. One of whom is due to have an operation with a ga.

Now, dh is not really an arse, he has booked holiday for the day of the op.

I assumed he wanted to come to the hospital with dd and I. He assumed he would stay at home with the other dc.

I am amazed he did not feel the need to be there. I wanted his support when I will be stewing outside op theatre. Also, if all goes smoothly I may be able to bring her home that night, and so am not sure how I'll get her in the car if she is wobbly.

He is genuinely surprised by me. We have not rowed or anything, but would you find it surprising?

BluddyMoFo Fri 05-Aug-11 18:19:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 05-Aug-11 18:20:41

A bit, maybe. My eldest had an operation. My husband stayed with him overnight while I stayed at home with our baby. (I obviously was there during the day). We were both there while he had surgery, but we had childcare for the baby. Who will look after your other children while you are both at the hospital?

I suppose he feels that one parent is with one child while the other takes care of the other children. Not totally unreasonable thinking. He's perhaps not thinking how scary it is to watch your child go down to theatre and to see them unconscious afterwards.

MmeLindor. Fri 05-Aug-11 18:20:43

Hmm. Not sure.

Do you have other childcare options? Does he realize that you might need his support?

When I first read your op, I thought he was going away on holiday. I was ready to call him names. must read op properly.

FabbyChic Fri 05-Aug-11 18:20:58

Sorry but if one of your children is in hospital you take the day off to be there for them and the other partner, you do all you can to help with the childcare of the other child if there is one. You do not let someone go through that alone.

Which is what your husband seems to intend to do.

It is selfish and unthinking.

PonceyMcPonce Fri 05-Aug-11 18:22:31

As I say, not an arse, but divide and conquer is our usual tactic for shopping trips, sports events etc.

An operation seemed a bit different to me. And scarier. I'm scared I guess.

Plus, there is nowhere on else earth while dd is being operated on, so I assumed he would feel the same.

I am not usually a wuss - I worked out he has not attended a medical appointment for a child in nine years.

BimboNo5 Fri 05-Aug-11 18:22:40

I dont say how you can say its selfish and unthinking ffs- hes booked a day off to look after the kids!

herbietea Fri 05-Aug-11 18:22:57

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow Fri 05-Aug-11 18:23:29

So, what was your plan, you and two children would stew outside the theatre?

His plan was to have fun with the other two and take their mind of things?

Not sure....

PonceyMcPonce Fri 05-Aug-11 18:24:44

I have sorted childcare for the others and we will both be attending now. He did not object or anything, it just did not seem to occur to him that she might like him there, or that I might!

I try hard to manage normally as he is away for work a lot, so maybe he feels like an optional extra?

MmeLindor. Fri 05-Aug-11 18:24:51

When DD was operated on as a baby, I don't think that I realized until the moment they took her away, quite how it would feel.

Maybe he hasn't thought it through, that you might need him.

Do you have alternative childcare?

PonceyMcPonce Fri 05-Aug-11 18:26:40

Just reread my op - booked time off not holiday!!!!!

Obv if we had no childcare options it would work, bit I reckon I am going to stew like. Big old coq au vin and dammit, he should suffer with me!

redskyatnight Fri 05-Aug-11 18:28:51

Well the first question to ask if what you would do with your other 2 DC if DH were not looking after them? Do you have another person who could do it?

When DS had a GA, we found it helpful for DH to pop in and out with DD (so she didn't get bored but he was about if I needed him). The hospital only let one of us be with DS when he actually had the GA anyway ... and then DS just wanted me and screamed at his dad when he came round. So I don't think your DH is being unreasonable - he's probably thinking that knowing the other DC are ok is one less thing for you to worry about.

Sirzy Fri 05-Aug-11 18:30:36

Glad you have sorted it, i don't think he was being unreasonable but I do think it will be good for you to have someone else there. Ds had an op last week and I was very happy to have my parents around for company

PonceyMcPonce Fri 05-Aug-11 18:32:00

We have a heavenly babysitter who is coming the night before as we need to leave at 5.30 am to get to hospital for appointed time, so they will be quite happy.

Tbh I have never had an operation, so I guess I am a bit in the dark. Plus a bit weirded out that we don't know if she will come home or not that day. I wanted us to be weirded out together.

pinkdelight Fri 05-Aug-11 18:32:12

This is v interesting. My dh did precisely the same and was surprised that I assumed he'd be at the hospital. However he had no problem with coming, just hadn't occurred to him. So yesterday my folks came to look after the other ds and me and dh went to hospital with baby ds. He was so glad he did and we remarked several times how much tougher it would have been if just one of us were there - the nil by mouth hours esp. He actually ended up being the parent attending during the ga. I know some parents have to do it all alone and that for some dc's operations are more frequent. But in our - and your - situation, I think if it's possible to both be there, there should be no debate. Hope you get it sorted and all goes well.

ImperialBlether Fri 05-Aug-11 18:32:24

I can't see how this problem couldn't be resolved in one minute!

bubblesincoffee Fri 05-Aug-11 18:34:29

yabu. You both had different ideas about something, he disn't know you had childcare for the others sorted. Now you have told him, it's all fixed.

Simple misunderstanding.

pinkdelight Fri 05-Aug-11 18:34:52

X-posted sorry. Glad he was up for it. Must just be a dad thing!

Sirzy Fri 05-Aug-11 18:35:04

Op - as you are both going now you will need to decide who will go into the anesthetic room - may be worth talking about in advance

Besom Fri 05-Aug-11 18:35:26

Maybe his subconscious wasn't allowing him to think it all through too closely. I can imagine my dh being like this.

Wishing a speedy recovery for your dd.

LolaRennt Fri 05-Aug-11 18:36:17

I thought you meant he booked a holiday too! grin No sounds like he was doing his best and you are both stressed out, rightly. All the best for the operation xx

PonceyMcPonce Fri 05-Aug-11 18:36:31

The problem was resolved quickly.

As I said, not a rant.

I was very surprised that he did not immediately want to be there.

WS bouncing around ideas with other parents.

PonceyMcPonce Fri 05-Aug-11 18:38:09

Can only one adult accompany then?
Argh!
Maybe they will knock me out too!
Actually I have been so upbeat and cheery and positive with dd, I fear I'll collapse the minute she is under!

elliejjtiny Fri 05-Aug-11 18:40:12

When DS3 was in hospital recently DH looked after DS1&2 (aged 5 and 3) and brought them to the hospital every day for 20 mins or so. At first I was angry sad but there was a little boy with quite complex SN and health issues and his mum was there 24/7 and the dad came early in the morning with their daughter (who was about 9/10) and stayed all day. The daughter was left to her own devices most of the time and just wandered about looking fed up. After seeing that I thought maybe dh was doing the right thing.

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