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To not want to give my sister in law the money?

(53 Posts)
smugtandemfeeder Fri 05-Aug-11 14:10:04

DHs family are like the maffia. Have posted before about them booking all our family holidays. Every year they book a holiday in a cottage for the whole family, they pay, they decide where and when we are going. We are all expected to turn up and if we dont we are ostracised.

DH and I are in agreement that in future we will not be attending. Never ever again if I have anything to do about it.

For the most recent holiday MIL booked a cottage which was too small for all of us. We were still all expected to go, where the hell she thought we were going to sleep I dont know.

SIL decided that she would book the cottage next door so that we had enough bedrooms and emailed to ask for us to share the cost between me and two SILs.

At the time I said I didnt want to go, I hadnt been asked if I wanted to go, hadnt been asked which week were were going for, where we were staying. Nothing. Just asked to contribute to the cottage. I said I cant afford it and I dont think we should have to pay. SIL ignored me and said she was paying my share and I could pay her back when I could afford it.

We went on the holiday and it was a fecking nightmare and we came home early.

Have now had an email from SIL asking me for the money. Its not a huge amount but we cant afford it. But we did go on the holiday and I didnt reply when she said she was paying my share to say I wouldnt pay her for it.

AIBU to make a fuss about it? Or just learn a lesson for the future. lesson learnt.

Rhinestone Fri 05-Aug-11 14:13:22

By going I think you implicitly agreed to pay, sorry.

But they sound horrendous - pay up this time and NEVER EVER go on holiday with them again. Being ostracized sounds more fun!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 05-Aug-11 14:14:15

No. You went. You must pay.

If you don't want to go - don't go! They can't bundle you into the car at gunpoint! You are making the choice to go along, because you prefer that over the alternative, which is them possibly falling out with you. That's your choice.

If you want to make a different choice - make a different choice! You have that right.

But you went. so you have to pay.

You could always say that the agreement with her was to pay it back "when you can afford it" so you will. When you can afford it.

Kladdkaka Fri 05-Aug-11 14:15:44

Pay up this time and put your foot down in future.

Sam100 Fri 05-Aug-11 14:15:45

I think if you went then you should pay this time even if only a proportion for the time you were there - if you had not actually gone then you would be perfectly justified in not paying for something you had not wanted to do. You need to tell them that you cannot go next time and for them not to include your family in their plans - just say you cannot afford it at the moment. If they do book something and expect you to go then stick to your guns and do not go!

HeyYouJimmy Fri 05-Aug-11 14:16:32

How many nights was the cottage booked for and how may did you stay?

smugtandemfeeder Fri 05-Aug-11 14:16:47

Yes thats what I was thinking, I had entered into a sort of sister-in-law contract by going on the holiday.


Why the hell did we go!!??


LineRunner Fri 05-Aug-11 14:16:52

I think that this is a lesson learned situation, and you have to pay the money, even if in installments.

Actually, installments will help make the point that you really couldn't afford this.

Also I do think that you must email and say that you definitely do not wish to be included in any further joint family holidays. It's only fair to be clear.

smugtandemfeeder Fri 05-Aug-11 14:18:18

It all ended on the 5th night with MIL and FIL both screaming, shouting at me and slamming fists on table. Hells bells.

Beamur Fri 05-Aug-11 14:18:30

She corralled you into a position and then said she would pay for it and you could pay her back when you could afford it.
You can't afford it yet.
I'd offer to pay her back in instalments but then don't let yourself get backed up into this position again.

smugtandemfeeder Fri 05-Aug-11 14:20:11

Installments sound like an excellent idea. It would make it very clear im not happy and we cant afford it.

brass Fri 05-Aug-11 14:22:25

you shouldn't have gone on the holiday.

now you have to pay up.

we are boycotting a week as I type. I'm sure there will be some sort of backlash (albeit a passive aggressive one) but life is too short to lose a week of your life with people you don't like.

HeyYouJimmy Fri 05-Aug-11 14:23:06

Why exactly would you fear not going OP? Are they the type to slag you off on FB or something? Divide the amount you are meant to pay your SIL by the amount of nights it was for and pay her for the individual nights you stayed, no more than that. Don't see why you should you pay for all the nights when you didn't stay for all of them.

bananasplitz Fri 05-Aug-11 14:23:42

what were they shouting and banging about <nosey>

SpringHeeledJack Fri 05-Aug-11 14:25:40

what narna said <double nosey>

brass Fri 05-Aug-11 14:26:21

personally I wouldn't divide it by the number of nights because it wasn't booked on that basis.

and you would look petty.

just pay up (installments are ok) and then draw a line under it and don't get coerced into doing it again.

smugtandemfeeder Fri 05-Aug-11 14:30:49

banana DH had just given up drinking and had to have help to do so. MIL and FIL refused to accept he had a problem and seem to blame me for creating problems which werent apparently there in the first place. I suggested they try talking and listening to him - cue MIL slamming fists/screaming in my face/ FIL slamming doors/swearing at me.

DS is also being assessed for ASD and MIL wont accept it and ignores all my wishes with regard to DS. Eg gives him coke, coffee, chocolate, does whatever he asks, which really makes it difficult for me to put boundries in place for DS or stick to routines. Anyway im learning how to deal with that but it hasnt gone down well.

DH is frequently told he has broken their hearts/does he want to be part of this family or not/he's changed etc etc.

Not SILs fault (although they did not back us up in the argument) so if I owe her money I owe the whole lot.

bananasplitz Fri 05-Aug-11 14:32:23

sounds like a lovely relaxing break sad

smugtandemfeeder Fri 05-Aug-11 14:33:41

fecking nightmare the whole thing. 5 wackjob families under one roof. All with ASDs if you ask me.

animula Fri 05-Aug-11 14:35:28

You and your dh need to stand in front of each other and practice saying "no".

His family clearly don't hear you when you say it, so maybe next time put it in writing - e-mail a possibility? - and even be prepared to screen calls.

Forget about the threat of ostracism. Forget about excuses as to why you can't go ("We can't afford it."), they won't be heard as a "no".

Good luck. I know I haven't said anything you don't already know - I'm just repeating what your inner voice has probably told you many times in order to give you a bit of support.

smugtandemfeeder Fri 05-Aug-11 14:40:26

No is a complete sentence grin

HeyYouJimmy Fri 05-Aug-11 14:47:37

If you are to pay your SIL for 7 nights at a cost of £70 = £10 per night, and you only stayed for 4 then you only owe her £40, no more and no less.

Tell them that you won't be going on holiday with them so they know not to pencil you in. If they do and demand you pay them for what they forked out for you to join them, tell them straight that you won't be paying because you won't be going. Don't be afraid to be blunt with them.

Cheria Fri 05-Aug-11 14:51:26

YABU - you implicitly agreed to paying by going on the holiday. Next time refuse to go completely, and make it very clear from the outset you are not going.

I disgaree with the poster above who says you should just pay in proportion to the number of nights you went - when you went you were intending to stay the whole time.

And look on it as a lesson to be learned for next time...

smugtandemfeeder Fri 05-Aug-11 14:52:32

This is the email SIL sent me just before the holiday.

"So here's the latest,

As senior WAG I've decided to just pay MIL the total and you both can pay me back as and when you're able to (within reason) to save her having to go round asking for the money, which I know she hates. re where the cottage is - it makes sense that this little cottage is where it is as it's next to the big one and is only necessary (and therefore our contribution is necessary) as it seems we are all going to be there at the same time. MIL and FIL only booked a 3 bed as there have been many years when they have been paying for empty rooms and thought that it would be enough."

Cheria Fri 05-Aug-11 14:53:39

Oh, and you mention DH needed help to stop drinking and your ILs weren't supportive. Being ostracised by them will be no bad thing IMHO. Recovering alcoholics should only be surrounded by people who understand, help and support. Taking a big step back from his family will help him.

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