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aibu to insist that ex hubby's new gf meet up with me?

(80 Posts)
philherup Fri 05-Aug-11 13:45:48

they have been together for ten months though i only just found out about it a week or so ago he wants to introduce her to the kids as per our agreement in mediation he said he would inform me before it happened out of "courtesy" so he did and the kids came back rambling about how much fun they had with her and her kids etc.
i want to meet her, and asked her to text me so we could me up but she refused. so i asked for her number so i could contact her. again she refused saying that she would be happy meet up at the drop up for kids but she was not willing to meet up with me on her own for coffee etc.
i want to meet her so that i do not have the humiliation of bumping in to her at the park or something and want to get to know the person who will be seeing MY CHILDREN.
i have now insisted saying this is my bottom line that i do not want my ex to be there or the children there as this would be too difficult for me. she apparently says that meeting me for coffee would be a forced environment and would be awkward for her too. my wishes as their mother are more important as is my piece of mind right?
do i have a leg to stand on legally to say she cant see the kids?

GypsyMoth Fri 05-Aug-11 13:47:37

You are correct... You have no keg to stand on legally, at all.

How have you communicated with her so far?

GypsyMoth Fri 05-Aug-11 13:48:05

* leg

fuzzywuzzy Fri 05-Aug-11 13:48:56

You dont have a leg to stand on legally, neither you nor your exH can demand to meet eachothers partners.

If the children are happy why not let it lie and meet her pick up and drop off as she suggests?

bananasplitz Fri 05-Aug-11 13:48:58

why make an issue of it

she doesnt want to meet you one on one, respect that

when you drop kids off or they are picked up, stay for a quick chat

tbh if my ex demanded to meet my current partner, I would tell them to take a hike. Do a bit more asking and a little less demanding would be my advice

SiamoFottuti Fri 05-Aug-11 13:50:41

get over yourself. You don't get to summon people and demand to meet them! If I was her I'd tell you to bugger off.

GypsyMoth Fri 05-Aug-11 13:51:16

I don't understand you asking if you can stop her seeing the kids? They have already met her. So that's done and dusted.

Do they all live together now?

AuntieMonica Fri 05-Aug-11 13:51:52

i can understand you wanting to meet her so you won't have the awkward 'bumping into' scenario, but surely a handshake and an exchange of names is plenty to get over this?

you don't need to sit and have coffee with this woman, it's not neccessary for you to have a relationship with her.

roses2 Fri 05-Aug-11 13:52:08

Maybe she is scared you will interrogate her? Why can't you have a coffee with exh and her, rather than her on her own? She might be a bit more comfortable then.

bananasplitz Fri 05-Aug-11 13:52:20

i think the OP is more annoyed that the kids liked her.

what would you do OP if you decided she was not appropriate or you didnt like her?

Birdsgottafly Fri 05-Aug-11 13:53:35

If your DC's are of an age were they can tell you what they are doing whilst in the care of their DF and his GF then you do not have any right to demand a private meeting, or need one.

Having been part of a family that was disfunctional on the ex's side, i can totally understand why she may not want to do this.

She may not want to be in a situation that may cause her to think badly of her DB's ex and the mother to what may become her DSC's, so she is keeping her distance unless your paths have cause to cross.

deemented Fri 05-Aug-11 13:54:17

Bloody hell - if thios is your normal attitude, it's no wonder she doesn't want to meet you.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 05-Aug-11 13:54:22

No. I don't think you do.

Why would you have any humiliation if you bumped into her in the park? If you meet at drop offs you will get to know her. I think she isn't being unreasonable. She's not trying to avoid you, she will happily see you at pick ups etc, but she doesn't, right now, want to go for coffee with you. I don't think I would, tbh. Are you sure you didn't come across like you want to vet her for suitability?

Maybe just talk to your ex if this is really important to you. Say that you just want to work together and be friendly and you want to meet any significant woman in his life and he will also meet any significant man in yours? See if he will agree to that.

I don't think you have any control over this, tbh. She's his partner. You have to trust that the father of your children will also have their best interests at heart. If he thinks she is a good person, then you should too. Particularly since your children have already said that she's nice.

philherup Fri 05-Aug-11 13:56:01

i have only had contact through my ex and told i am being ur. he offered to have another mediation session since we were not coming to an agreement about it i have only been talking to her through my ex but dont understand why she wouldnt want to be able to say to my children "yes i have met your mum"?

GypsyMoth Fri 05-Aug-11 13:56:02

Don't forget, if they marry she will be their stepmum. So you can't really prevent any relationship they have with her, can you!?

GypsyMoth Fri 05-Aug-11 13:56:52

Why are you having mediation?

Popbiscuit Fri 05-Aug-11 13:56:56

Completely unreasonable, I think. You can't demand someone around like that and by making a big issue out of it, you've made it seem as though you don't trust her. Quite honestly, I would think you were a bit cuckoo if I was the girlfriend. Friendly chat when dropping off kids is OK but demanding to meet someone is crossing the line...she would feel like you are interviewing her.

aquos Fri 05-Aug-11 13:57:11

My dhs ex-wife insisted on meeting me before she would allow the children to overnight with us.

She came to our house and had coffee with dh (her ex) and I. It was excruciating for all of us. But I respected her reasons for wanting to do this and thought she was very brave coming to our house to see us together.

I'm not sure I would have been willing to meet up with her on a one to one basis in neutral territory, coward that I am.

Andrewofgg Fri 05-Aug-11 13:57:18

The days when exes could refuse to allow any contact between "my children and that immoral (wo)man" are gone and a good thing too.

deemented Fri 05-Aug-11 13:58:40

But WHY should she have to meet you?

Your ex deems her suitable enough to have her around his children. What exactly is your problem? Are you needing to see what you feel you've been replaced with? Or are you woried that the children will like her too much?

Lifeissweet Fri 05-Aug-11 13:58:47

I don't really see why you feel the need to do this. What do you want to get out of it? My exH has just moved in with his girlfriend and we've met a few times when I've picked up DS or dropped him off and fleetingly while out for drinks with mutual friends, but I don't need to know her at all. My DS seems to like her and my exH trusts her, so that's fine with me.

My DP has a DS from a previous relationship and I have actually offered to meet his ex to put her mind at rest because I don't want her to feel uneasy about her DS spending time with me, so it's not that I don't understand that some people might be wary, however, I envisage that being a 10 minute introduction while she drops off DS, not a one-to-one coffee, which would feel strange and awkward. Blimey - i can't think of anything worse than my exH and DP meeting up for a one-to-one drink. eek!

philherup Fri 05-Aug-11 13:59:44

for the divorce.

FreudianSlipper Fri 05-Aug-11 14:01:25

you have no control over this, meeting her while they are beign dropped off shoudl be enough

and they are your ex's children as much as they are yours so unless they are being neglected you should trust that no harm comes to them

and you sound like you are making a threat, this is not about your children this is about you, he only needs to consider you where his children are directly involved, not your feelings about him moving on. i know this hurts but it is something you have to face and accept or you will never stop trying to control him

GypsyMoth Fri 05-Aug-11 14:02:44

So if contact is already going well and the only problems ate the divorce, why are you using mediation to create more conflict?

yoshiLunk Fri 05-Aug-11 14:03:05

Meeting for the first time at drop off is fine, I don't see what you would have to gain by having a one to one meeting.

They have been together for 10 months and she has only just met your children, - he agreed to let you know before this happened and he did let you know.

I think by pushing for it you are making it more uncomfortable than it needs to be, she will think you are vetting her, and it does look like you are a bit.

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