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to be sitting at work almost crying because my DH had a strop at me this morning for being late.

(28 Posts)
Filibear Fri 05-Aug-11 10:10:19

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GlitterySkulls Fri 05-Aug-11 10:12:57

tell him to dress your son & get his milk ready. if he whinges, tell him to fuck off that parenting is about more than having fun, you need to do the mundane things too.

fluffles Fri 05-Aug-11 10:13:52

why are you thinking he should dress DS and not saying it - TO HIM?

yabu if you stay quiet and expect things to change. but YANBU to say something and ask for it to change.

steamedtreaclesponge Fri 05-Aug-11 10:14:06

So, let me get this right - he gets to play with your DS in the mornings and then you have to do all the work? Why on earth is this happening?

I can understand him being annoyed at being late but he reacted in a really childish way. it doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight in the mornings and you need to sort this out, sharpish. How would he react if you suggested swapping round? Get him to take the first shower, and then hand him DS to get ready while you have yours.

fluffyanimal Fri 05-Aug-11 10:14:26

Why don't you tell him that doing this would help? Sometimes men don't automatically see what needs to be done <tries not to be sexist>. My DH is like this too - he plays with DC while I shower, then I feed and dress DC while he showers. Sometimes it occurs to him he could do that too, other times he showers first and then when i come down from my shower, the DC are still in pjs and not eaten yet!

Just try and make up later, as you say you are both on edge after a crap night.

onemoreminute Fri 05-Aug-11 10:16:03

Try and forget about him having a strop and get on with your day. If he is a good mood later ask him if he could help a little more in the mornings and if he is still being a git tell him he should help more in the morning.

redskyatnight Fri 05-Aug-11 10:17:27

So have you suggested to him that he does more to get DS ready? Sounds like you have fallen into a routine - and in fairness to DH, if you do it that way every day, he's not likely to spontaneously decide to do something different? Did you flag up that you were "having a slow day" and it would help if he could dress DS?

I'd be annoyed if my DH made us late because he couldn't sort himself out in the morning tbh.

FetchezLaVache Fri 05-Aug-11 10:19:42

You need to say something. Presumably this system normally works for you, you are presumably both happy with it most of the time. But, this morning, how was your husband supposed to predict that while he was showering, you would have one of those awful can't-get-anything-done faffy spells, making you both 15 mins late, and that he should therefore dress his son rather than playing with him as normal?

Maybe you could suggest that in future, he gets DS dressed while you shower and you pack his bag for childminders while he showers, or something.

cjbartlett Fri 05-Aug-11 10:21:40

He sounds a bit daft
Why doesn't he know how to dress ds and get the milk ready
You need to go away with a friend for the weekend and leave him in charge so he can get on with it

Sarsaparilllla Fri 05-Aug-11 10:22:22

You say he's being passive aggressive but you're doing the same by not pointing out that the mornings would be a lot quicker if he did something more useful with DS while you're in the shower!

Playing with him while you shower and get ready is a complete waste of time, tell him to get on with it and get DS dressed/breakfast and then hand over when you're ready so you're not doing everything

MumblingRagDoll Fri 05-Aug-11 10:25:02

Nothing to add....except TELL HIM!

Filibear Fri 05-Aug-11 10:34:49

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redskyatnight Fri 05-Aug-11 10:44:58

It sounds then like you need a chat about how your routines have to change now you are back at work?
DH playing with the baby in the morning made perfect sense when you were on maternity leave - you got time to shower in peace, DH got time with the baby - and you'd then have the rest of the day to play with DS and spend till lunchtime getting him dressed if it was a bad day.

now you're back at work, getting a quick, in place routine so you can all get out of the door asap is the priority.

DH and I had many rows when I went back to work because despite my trying to preempt the potential problems, he really didn't get why I couldn't do everything that I used to do plus paid work as well.

I'm thinking things like how the housework/shopping etc is split plus the evening routine. Maybe a chat when you're calmer tonight?

Filibear Fri 05-Aug-11 11:54:22

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GlitterySkulls Fri 05-Aug-11 12:03:12

i mean this in the nicest possible way, but don't be daft!!

being 15 mins late does not make you a failure. tell dh to get his finger out & help you out a bit, if that's what it takes.

PrincessJenga Fri 05-Aug-11 12:04:33

You're not failing. DS is dressed and fed isn't he? You both got to work? You have a DH who loves you and supports you? You have a DS? That is not failing!

You do need to talk to DH when you're both home and calm tonight though. This isn't you being unreasonable or a bad mum, it's you asking DH to pull his weight (although perhaps if you word it as 'what do you think we could do to make mornings run more smoothly?' rather than 'you twunt; why do you play with him when you should be dressing him?' then you might make more progress!)

Good luck smile

WilsonFrickett Fri 05-Aug-11 12:08:04

Your routine worked when you were on mat leave, now it doesn't, so you need to chat through with DH. That isn't failure, that's just changing your routine to suit your circumstances.

FWIW, DH and I are both terrible in the morning and would frequently fight over nothing if we had a bad night's sleep (which was every night until DS was 18 months). After a few days where I was stewing all day, feeling teary and planning a divorce I just decided to let all rows pre-9am slide. It's not a real 'fight', it's just two people who can't function in the morning grin

bubblesincoffee Fri 05-Aug-11 12:08:04

You were both tired this morning. His tiredness in the morning made him grumpy, yours made you unproductive.

In situations like this, my dh and I usually calm down and just forget about it, because when a row is just down to being grumpy and tired, there is really nothing to be achieved by dragging it out.

If you do have an issue, such as you would be able to get out of the house quicker and more efficiantly if he gave ds breakfast, then there is nothing wrong with suggesting it.

But at the same time, it sounds like you get more chance to play with ds than he does if he works more hours than you, and he might value that little bit of time to just play with his son each day when they are both awake and not tired after a days work or activities. Your ds probably likes that tiem with his Daddy too, so I wouldn't try too hard to take that away from them just because it would make your morning easier. If dh says he's happy to do breakfast, then fine, but if not, I'd leave it.

I don't like always being the parent to nag about getting dressed, eating breakfast and brushing teeth either, but in the long run, I do get to do more of the fun stuff simply because I work less, so it evens out in the end.

diddl Fri 05-Aug-11 12:09:46

Is husband not capable of looking at the clock & thinking "need to go soon, better feed & dress my son"?confused

bananasplitz Fri 05-Aug-11 12:10:35

so, did you ask him to help out?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 05-Aug-11 13:44:00

Well, why don't you just say to him that it would probably work better if he did such and such while you were getting ready and then you did such and such while he was getting ready?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 05-Aug-11 13:45:41

I mean, I know you would normally expect a fully functioning adult to think hmm, well, probably just playing with the baby isn't that great, I think I'll feed him and then fili can dress him.

But since he isn't thinking like that, you'll just have to open your gob and tell him. grin

If he was ready by the normal leaving time - what did he do for those 15 minutes while you were flapping round?

Did he help?

MadamDeathstare Fri 05-Aug-11 14:04:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newmum001 Fri 05-Aug-11 14:27:40

I find it much easier actually telling dp what needs doing instead of being pissed off with him for not doing something he didn't know needed doing in the first place. It causes much less stress. If you need his help tell him. I know he should automatically know what needs doing without you having to tell him but if you've always just got on and done it yourself and not told him you'd like more help then it's your own fault really. If you have to make a list and stick it to the fridge then do that and just say this is what needs doing every morning, tell him to do as much as he can while you're in the shower and you'll do whatevers left while he's in the shower.

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