AIBU to be upset over awkward issue with my best friends partner?(60 Posts)
love living so close to my friend and we've many good times shooting the breeze over the garden hedge while her kids (3&5) get free reign to romp around my yard to their hearts content. Work from home much of the time so always around to keep an eye on them. since turning 30 they have provided me with an outlet for my ridiculous broodiness (that seemed to switch on like a light after the hangover from my birthday). extremely fond of George (3) with whom i have the most wonderful understanding and embroiled in a hilariously mischievous kinship with Alfie (5). since our houses back on to each-other it is not uncommon for me to find them either in my yard, or frequently in my house entertaining themselves or getting into trouble. I leave the back door unlocked when i'm in the house as i rather enjoy the way their little visits break up the day.
Recently though i've noticed these distractions getting less frequent. A fortnight ago alfie and I were out in the garden looking at mini-beasts and having a pop at worm charming. everything seemed fine although at first he seemed a little offish. later, when i suggest to alfie that we go inside to wash our hands before i take him back for his nap, the poor wee man starts balling summat about the house being bad and his daddy saying he ought not to go there. Spoke with my friend who explained that her partner did not like my having such a close relationship with her or their children and had been telling the children to stay away from my place.
Things between her partner and i have never been brilliant. There was an extremely awkward moment a couple of months ago when both the boys came running over after George injured himself and their father overheard one of them calling me 'dad' . Now this has happened a couple of times and i usually always correct them at once. just this time george was bleeding and it was all a bit hectic so there was no "I'm not your father kid." I just flew into action with the first aid box and all that jazz. clearly my friends partner took this badly and the two of them had a fairly bitter row about it. Did feel a little bad, but it's not like i engineered the situation and it not really my fault if he chooses to spend the small amount of time that he could spend with his children in a bar with his mates. Don't get me wrong, i can only imagine how it must of felt for him to overhear his kids calling someone else dad, but is that my fault? is it okay for him to ban his kids from entering my house because he thinks im some kind of threat?
Christ, he's one of those guys that can't quite comprehend the concept of a platonic relationship between people of opposing sexes. any ideas as to how i should handle this anyone? she seems content to bend to his will (at least for now) and i'm left wondering what on earth i did to deserve to be treated like some kind of creep. ARSE! I miss the boys and i just want to scream at her for allowing all this and not having thrown him out months ago like she keeps planning to.
It feels stupid having to tip toe around this crap though. should i just go along with this? at least until it all calms down a bit? My friends children are like an extension of her, hold as much affection for them as i do for her. they've always hung around at mine, we often eat together because they tend to be less fussy about food that way (i used to be a chef). So now my days are mostly work and the only unexpected break i get is the odd item on radio 4 or cold callers.
AIBU to be angry at my friend for letting this crap fly?
Is it stupid to get this upset about things?
Should i simply find some poor wench silly enough to have children with me in a poorly thought-out attempt at quenching my now overwhelming broodiness?
Sorry for long post. Thanks for taking the time to ponder my imponderables. open to any suggestions/ thoughts and grateful for any advise.
advice also apologies for structure and grammar in that post. it is 6.30am...
I've a few thoughts and as I am tired will just list rather than try and build a nice post!
- you need to stay out of their relationship, unless he is abusive then you have to let her, as an adult make her choices.
- it's easy for you to say he's a crap dp and dad but let's face it your just seeing the nice side of family life, playing in the garden and having fun. What when they get up at 5am and refuse to go to bed at night? What about when they don't listen to you and say they want BooBooBuddy?
- if you wants kids and a family, then get your own and stop playing at someone elses
Are you make? Is this the issue? It's rather early and I can't read your post again!
It may just be the early hour but reading your post I had the sense that you may have stronger feelings than friendship for your female friend...
i just want to scream at her for allowing all this and not having thrown him out months ago like she keeps planning to.
I wonder if there may be a bit of a backstory to your relationship?
Your friends DP sounds like a bit of an arse, but, she has chosen to be in a relationship with him and have children with him. This is his family and he is threatened by you - I think you have to back off a bit and let your friend know your door is always open to them.
You feel so strongly because you want a family of your own - so put your energies into making that happen. Start dating, go out and meet new people, keep an open mind
Hopefully, the situation with your friend will calm down, her boys will still view you as a friend and you can find someone else to lavish your love and attention on.
yeah i am, and he finds it hard to cope with the concept that his partners best friends happens to be a man. always tried to get on with him but it's hard when dealing with someone who is clearly so narrow minded. LoveBeingAtHome he is a drunk. who is occasionally verbally but never physically abusive. he just bullies her emotionally. she wants rid but is finding it hard to summon the courage. i try to stay firmly out of it, save for showing a little support when needed. I try to get on with him for her sake. what's upsetting is feeling a little helpless to do anything for her. i didn't say he was a bad father. he's actually very good with his kids, when he's around and sober. unfortunatly this is not so often. the problem isn't that i'm a boy so much as the problem is that he doesn't like me very much and thinks i'm somekind of threat. or at least i think thats the problem... why can't i have the boys over for lunch now and then? i'm their mothers best friend FGS
yeah the back story is a little complicated.
I've seen something similar in my own family. I'm really sorry but it is going to be down to the Mum to decide what to do about this and she's going to base her decision on the total of her relationship with her partner which may include a lot of great stuff that you don't see.
Obviously the DP is insecure/possessive, that is his problem and the mum has probably been taken by surprise by all this. It is unfair to you as you've built a relationship with these children but they are his and hers, in the end who they spend time with is up to them.
I would back off and wait and see what happens next. You sound like a great person who's just discovered they have a lot to give a child, what about mentoring?
You are not being unreasonable in feeling angry and upset, you would be unreasonable if you acted on it in the current situation, sorry, it really does suck.
we saw eachother for a short time at school but we mutually broke things off and we've been good friends since. I've spent many an hour listening and occasionally witnessing some of the horror that goes down across the way. it's just hard. she's been desperately unhappy since her oldest was born. it's difficult to watch someone you care for go through that.
damn you all and your goodsense and rightheaddedness. i expected nothing less. damn you all to hades and wotnot. so long as i'm allowed to be appalled by it all thats fine. if he doesn't want his kids spending so much time with me that's fine, but to talk crap to them directly over just telling me to back off or discussing it with her... it just feels a little unfair. I'd love children of my own someday but i know these are not them and don't pretend they are. but they are still my friends kids and it just feels unfair that their fathers insecurities a being allowed to dictate aspects of their lives this way. wish i'd never moved in across the way. this whole terrible episode might not be going down like this. Just to clarify... not harbouring any latent romantic feelings for this girl, she and i are very close friends and as such i get a little ruffled when she's under the cosh. as she is at the minute. sometimes i would like to run away from this whole thing but to simply abandon her is out of the question. perhaps finding another place to stay is required. thanks for all so far. off to bed but i'll come back a little later to see what the crack is and corrent any awful spelling grammar clarify details of required etc.
reality seriously, i do not have feelings for this woman. we're just friends. she doesn't have many. kindly refrain from further speculation around this issue please. i am very aware of what the limitations of my relationships with my friends are. it is grossly unfair to suggest that the nature of my relationship with her might cast a negative light on my relationship with her children.
i've just realised i'm posting anonymously and don't have to worry about what i do and don't reveal... for the love of god people i'm gay thats why things between she and i never really got off the ground way back in school and thats why i can state with absolute confidence that i do not have romantic feelings for this girl. okay? nice one cheers.
there such good boys. curious, bright, funny as hell. i miss them. i'm going to have to move away, just to other side of town or summat. i can't be observer to the persistent battle that seems to be her life these days. that's not to say i wont be around for support, just not across the way. need to be outside of live and direct earshot.
Ah, suddenly the reason a man desperate for kids and a happy family describing the possible future mother of those children as a "poor wench" becomes clear.
Does the DH know you're gay? Maybe he wonders if you're Bi as you've dated women before?
The mum will have to decide what she wants to do about her partner, and about her kids and their involvement with you.
As for your question regarding should you find some "wench" and have kids with her, well that depends if you are going to be open with her or not.
I have a good friend (gay) who wanted children. She asked around for a donor dad. They live apart of course, but the dad has a great relationship with their now 3 year old, seeing her most weekends, going on holiday with the mother and child. There are ways to have children without putting yourself back in the closet and betraying a woman just to have kids with her.
Careful now, you're sounding a bit defensive Now, since you asked on here for advice and thoughts, I also think you need to give this family some space to fix themselves. Be there for your friend but back off, fret less, and let her choose her own path. If her partner feels uncomfortable with your sexuality (for his own reasons, let's not judge) then respect that, and respect the fact that the discomfort could extend to how he feels about you spending time with his sons. And obviously, no parent, male or female, likes anyone else appearing to play a better parental role than them. It is instinct. It enrages beyond reason. Don't mess with that
You sound like a really nice person and I would love you as a neighbour but I think you may be the reason her husband gives her such a hard time. He is clearly jealous of the relationship you have with his wife and children, and maybe rightly so if he isnt having the same closeness
I think you need to take a step back and let both her and him know that you are doing so or these children could suffer from his angry outbursts. It seems they are already affected by it
I think you should tell her all this, not us.
If she knows how you feel perhaps you can thrash out an answer to it and things will settle down a bit better.
If you think she'll be really upset though just stay out of it and remove yourself from the proximity
It must be painful for you, but ultimately you will come second to her relationship until it is over. You need to rein it in and respect that - or she will definitely not respect you.
seems so far you're just venting on here which is fine. Try to keep it that way and she will be able to turn to you if she wants to. By no means enter into a confrontation.
I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
She is lucky to have a friend like you but she has to make the decision to leave, if thats what she wants.
I think moving away is a bit extreme, but if you find it that upsetting to wtiness this (and I can understand why you do) then it might be for the best.
I do have a great deal of sympathy and it does sound like the guy is an arse. But I'm afraid the bottom line is that its her problem and her relationship, and you can't influence this situation in a positive way while you are so enmeshed with this woman and her kids. She may or may not be working up to leaving him, but she has to come to this conclusion on her own. Meanwhile, you are inadvertantly putting pressure on his relationship with his kids by being a kind of surrogate dad. While he sounds insecure and nasty, it is also unsurprising that he feels undermined by the attention and time you spend with his kids. You do need to back off a bit, for everyone's emotional health.
I was wondering why everyone seemed so insistent that you have romantic notions about this friend of yours. You said you didn't and that's good enough for me.
Perhaps her father feels slighted by the 'quality time' you spend with his kids? He perhaps feels you are inferring that his fathering is inadequate and you are stepping up to the mark?
Just a thought. Anyway - this set up cannot end well. Put yourself first. xx
I can see you are getting a bit of stick here from folk not capable of reading a post properly!
My advise in this situation would be to hold back a little. I don't think YABU in being upset by this as let's face it, if you were female there probably wouldn't be an issue. I also think that a lot of this guys problem is guilt over the realisation that he isn't all that great of a Father.
I know that it is easier said than done but I would suggest taking a back seat and letting her deal with this in her own way. Obviously should she come to you for advice as a friend then be there for her but maybe without the light that you provide her she will find the courage to remove herself from the dark that he is bringing.
I know this will be hard for you (she and the boys also) but I do think that this is the only way for this situation to resolve itself. As they say, you don't realise what you have until it's gone and this may be the push she needs to move on with her life and be friends with people that she chooses and not him.
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