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to think that ILs are being shits?

(34 Posts)
megkat Thu 04-Aug-11 16:22:50


A bit of background - DH was brought up by stepfather and mum after his biological dad ran off when he was 3. DH has always thought of his SD as his dad, end of. Two other siblings - one was adopted out early on (even though family still see him) and another who went wtih DHs biological Dad, and who DH didn't see for years until a reunion about 13 years ago.

DH never really had a true childhood - MIL was always distant and there weren't cuddles or any family type communication between them. DH has very few memories of childhood (not abusive, just no holiday memories, never went to cinema, no Christmas memories, that sort of thing). He has no real contact with any extended family, they just aren't close at all, only saw close relatives at Christmas. For example, ILs didn't ring DH on his 40th birthday sad .

About 6 weeks ago DHs grandad sadly passed away. MIL had rang me on the Sunday night (about 10pm) to ask my opinion on grandads treatment (DH wasn't even aware that he was in hospital) and I then asked if DH knew about it and she said no. Didn't ask to speak to DH and rang off before I could get chance to pass her over. I relayed the message to DH and said that I got the impression that he was poorly and he should go to visit Anyway DH did the following evening and grandad died that night.

Funeral was arranged for a day when we were on holiday. DH only found out after ringing MIL as no contact from them. DH pointed out that we were away and they said well, it's your choice, whatever you decide to do is fine.

DH agonised over his decision but eventually decided that he would not go to funeral but would get some flowers (really nice ones), visit chapel of rest and then go to interrment ceremony later. This ws not done lightly, but he is a person who believes that when you die that's it, no afterlife, nothing.

Anyway, ILs have now disowned DH. Said that he was selfish and it really embarrassed them that he wasn't there. (Not that they really wanted them there, that's what upsets me most). They don't want to see our DDs, don't want any further cntact. DH has visited them and they basically made him feel like shit. he isn't very verbal and he was struggling to express himself, and they laughed at him, and made fun of him.

Sorry this is so long winded - AIBU to think that they are behaving like shits?

Shutupanddrive Thu 04-Aug-11 16:27:33

What twats! Sounds like you are all better off without them angry. Do they live near you?

bagelmonkey Thu 04-Aug-11 16:29:01

Maybe they were caught up in their own grief and genuinely forgot to inform your DH. In which case, if they were reasonable they wouldve tried to accommodate him and wouldn't judge his decision.
Maybe they are manipulating this situation as an excuse to break conact.
Whatever, their behaviour cannot be justified by grief alone.

megkat Thu 04-Aug-11 16:29:28

About four miles away sad

tiredlady Thu 04-Aug-11 16:29:58

They sound completely dreadful.
My question is though, why does your dh persist in having a relationship with them. Does he get anything positive out of the relationship? If not, he might just feel better by severing all links. It doesn't sound like your dc would be missing out on great grandparenting

Curiousmama Thu 04-Aug-11 16:30:18

Don't know why you need to ask really? What very odd people.

squeakytoy Thu 04-Aug-11 16:30:25

There are some people who you dont need in your life. Your in-laws sound like those sort of people.

Leave them be, your life will not be enhanced in any way by having them in it.

Curiousmama Thu 04-Aug-11 16:31:06

bagelmonkey I thought that too, it's an excuse.

DoMeDon Thu 04-Aug-11 16:31:57

Why are you even asking?

Horrible, awful way to treat your own son.

megkat Thu 04-Aug-11 16:32:02

DH wants a proper relationship, or has done up until this point. I think this has been a breaking point. DDs aren't missing much - they were stuck in front of TV all the time they were there anyway.

megkat Thu 04-Aug-11 16:33:29

I don't know - I did wonder whether DH had made the wrong decision and it was maybe him being unreasonable and we couldn't see it.

squeakytoy Thu 04-Aug-11 16:33:32

You cant force a relationship where one side doesnt want one unfortunately.

It must be very sad for your husband, but he has you, and his children, and hopefully your side of the family too.

DurhamDurham Thu 04-Aug-11 16:35:46

He paid his repects in his own way and in his own time. He owes these people nothing, they don't sound like they have been a proper family at all. He has you and the children now, you are his family. He can move on knowing he has done notihng wrong.

Curiousmama Thu 04-Aug-11 16:37:00

No you are right and they are wrong end of. You're all well rid imo.

spiderpig8 Thu 04-Aug-11 16:48:03

Your MIL has just lost her parent, she was presumably a lot closer to the deceased as he was her father, than your DH was.
i don't think you should judge the recently bereaved.

Curiousmama Thu 04-Aug-11 16:53:21

spiderpig it's more than that though isn't it?

megkat Thu 04-Aug-11 17:45:36

Spider I would totally agree with you if everything had been ok before. You point out part of the reason why I posted in the first place. Unfortunately it's not just the one Issue, it's a combination of that and their whole behaviour towards dh .

G1nger Thu 04-Aug-11 17:57:12

I'm not commenting on your question yet, but have one to put to you: did you expect them to make the funeral for a more convenient time for you,

megkat Thu 04-Aug-11 18:06:41

No. But what I did expect was for theMn

megkat Thu 04-Aug-11 18:12:55

Sorry I was on phone, now laptop. Absolutely no to rearranging funeral. What I did expect was for them to respect a decision they said was his, and not to then alienate him and make him feel guilty. If they'd have said they wanted him there, for whatever reason, then he would have been there. Decision made.

Pancakeflipper Thu 04-Aug-11 18:14:10

The relationship your DH wants with his parents doesn't exist because they are not able to give him the relationship he imagines in his head. He will disappointed each time.

I think he had to come to terms that his parents have been a let down for whatever reasons and focus on his own family unit.

I know this sounds harsh and mean but I've had similar experiences. I wanted the Waltons. It wasn't on offer. I am moving on and lots happier in myse.

DizzyKipper Thu 04-Aug-11 19:42:42

It actually sounds like he'd be better off without them really, although your DH may not feel that way.

muminthemiddle Thu 04-Aug-11 20:23:20

I don't think yabu they sound quite harsh. No advice really x

saladsandwich Thu 04-Aug-11 20:27:14

yanbu - i didn't go to my own mums funeral (not because i didn't want to) but the only person who made a comment was a distant friend. everyone grieves and pays their respects in their own way, i know i made the right choice and i'm sure your DH knows deep down he did too x

warthog Thu 04-Aug-11 20:41:59

they sound absolutely bloody awful.

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