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To say 'no thank you, I don't want you as a friend'

(11 Posts)
vole3 Thu 04-Aug-11 13:38:26

I am currently separated from H - story outlined in this thread

We have been meeting up and seemingly getting on OK (usually he makes a move on me when we do meet up to which I say 'thank, but no thanks if you are still 'confused' about what you want).

He says to the friend he is couch surfing with that he still doesn't know what he wants but is glad we are friends.

WTF!

I have told him that I still want him as my partner, husband and more if he is willing to try, but if he leaves then I don't want him as a friend, mainly because friends don't cause this sort of hurt to each other and still remain friends. It may change in the future, but at the moment I don't want him as a friend.

So, AIBU?

HerHissyness Thu 04-Aug-11 14:03:11

"I have told him that I still want him as my partner, husband and more if he is willing to try, but if he leaves then I don't want him as a friend, mainly because friends don't cause this sort of hurt to each other and still remain friends. It may change in the future, but at the moment I don't want him as a friend."

TBH, you ARE confusing messages here. I understand why, it's hard to break it all off just like that.

BUT, if you don't want him as a friend now, then how can he be a Husband or partner? seriously? think about it.

The guy cheated on you with a friend, he lied about it and came up with a cock and bull story to justify it all.

This guy is only couch surfing because he thinks that if he keeps trying it on with you, keeps spouting platitudes and bull that eventually you will fall for it and let him back home. He is not full of remorse, he is not contrite, he is not making amends. the only thing he is doing is looking for excuses to justify his betrayal of you.

IF he's serious about being with you he has to show you, not just tell you!

Tell him it's over, because he lies to you, because he betrayed you, and cheated on you. Tell him that he needs to find a proper place to live, because him camping on people's sofas is humiliating and inconveniencing good people who have not done anything to deserve having a lowly cheat taking up space in their living room.

You need to detach, and end it mentally in your head and tell him it's over. HE needs to go away, get himself straight, work out his priorities, and take full responsibility for his infidelity. Unless he does that anyway, you have not got a hope in hell of even contemplating a relationship even as simple as only friends.

I get the impression that he is only sorry he got caught.

bubblesincoffee Thu 04-Aug-11 14:11:58

Tell him you don't want to be his friend, and that you are not planning on being strung along while he makes his mind up.

Above all - unless he has made his mind up that you are giving it a go, stop meeting up with him and giving him the opportunity to make a move.

You are allowing him to treat you this way by your actions. If you create some distance he will be forced to make his mind up and you will both be able to move forward, either together or apart, much more quickly and painlessly.

jsygurl Thu 04-Aug-11 14:16:18

I'm separated too, and my H tells folks that the split was a mutual decision (he left) and that we are still good friends. We can barely talk to each other. I's just PR - it's what they want to be true, or they think it looks better to other people than the truth - but don't go obsessing about what they tell other folk. You have enough on your plate to deal with what is happening to you.

You might have to put a few people right though.

vole3 Thu 04-Aug-11 14:34:38

I would love to cut all contact until he gets another place, but unfortunately rely on him for childcare for some of my shifts and he does want to see DS (when he's not too busy with work that is).

Mind you, DS did say yesterday that he doesn't miss Daddy living here but likes visiting him.

vole3 Thu 04-Aug-11 14:38:40

As for him not being a 'friend' what I'm trying to say is that just being friends is not enough. If he wants the whole deal, then fine yes we would be friends and everything else, but anything less than the whole deal at the moment is too upsetting.

And how would be we able to see if we wanted to make a go of things if we never met up? Also, in-laws have stated that I can't drop DS with them for him to pick up as they want to keep out of things and at $ I can't really dump him at the kerb and expect him to make his own way into the hosue so I have to do the handover if nothing else.

vole3 Thu 04-Aug-11 14:39:02

$ = 4

ShoutyHamster Thu 04-Aug-11 15:04:18

Take Heed of The Hiss, she speaks much sense grin

He's a user, and a slippery little cheat. Sorry, but as long as you say things like 'I still want you as my partner' he quite reasonably thinks he's in with a fair chance to get you on side again, get his old comfy life back and then carry on shagging around on you after the dust has settled

Make it crystal clear that you are moving on, and then move on!!

solidgoldbrass Thu 04-Aug-11 15:10:04

You can't be friends with someone who has played you for a mug for years. The relationship you have with him is co-parents and it means that you want to be civil to each other for the sake of DC. Don't ask him to come back, if he does he will do so in the knowledge that he can carry on having his affair (or a new affair) and be forgiven if he cries a bit every time he's caught.

HerHissyness Thu 04-Aug-11 17:10:14

Cheers Shouty!

I think to be able to get to being friends, you actually DO need some distance/detachment.

I hope I explain this properly. I'll try anyway.

The only way of having a relationship in the future with the father of your DC is to END THIS ONE NOW.

He has lied, cheated and betrayed you all. He is not sorry, only sorry he got caught. He's biding his time only. he thinks that you are being a bit silly for now, and will let him back in your life when the little woman has cooled off a little.

He's not taking you seriously, both because you are sending him mixed messages, but also because he has zero respect for your feelings, doesn't think you are entitled to feel hurt at his treachery, and is dismissive of you and your family.

If you end it now, even get divorced, it'll send a clear and loud message that you and your feelings are a real force to be reckoned with, WILL be listened to or he will cease to be a part of your day to day life.

You will of course continue to co-parent, and for that to happen properly you need to be civil, nothing more. He won't need to know any details of your life, and you won't care about any of his.

IF you forge a new relationship, founded on love, fidelity, honesty, openness, trust, mutual respect and consideration, then there is a chance you can make it.

Without a break, without some healing time for you, it'll be hard. At the moment there is a total fog of grey, where you don't know what's going on, and it's in HIS best interests NOT to know what's going on either, cos then he doesn't have to admit/own up to losing his family for the sake of his dick.

As it's the school holidays, there are more options available for child care, perhaps your DC have school friends that they can go and play with and you can have them over when you are not working? or an holiday activity club through the school. Unless you give this guy a real taste of life without you and the benefits of family, how is it all going to be brought home to him the magnitude of his actions?

He needs to be banished from decent family life, and made to earn his way back in. If he really wants it, if he truly deserves it, he will do it, if not, nothing worth a damn is lost, is it?

wtfhappenedtomauricetinkler Thu 04-Aug-11 17:48:03

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

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