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To think that my MIL should give my DH a bit more respect????

(7 Posts)
lovemyboysandbeagles Wed 03-Aug-11 12:25:56

Long story, far too long for on here but in a nutshell (sort of), my MIL treats my SIL and DH TOTALLY differently.

She will not have a bad word said against SIL and believe me she has more faults than me, my DH and my DS's put together. I am seriously ready for blowing my stack if she makes one more derogatory comment about my DH.

There is a lot of history and family problems going back over a few years, mainly between SIL & DH over money she has had and him not being treated the same and her loser of a fiance that she is now marrying (all expenses paid traditional wedding!!) and my MIL seems to think it is down to my DH to make up and will not even hear of SIL making any effort whatsoever.

I accidentally phoned my MIL instead of my mum last night and all the emotions started again for my DH, he hardly slept and has a 300mile round trip with work today and he is getting seriously stressed with work and these issues and I am just getting more and more worried about him.

I appreciate you don't all know the facts in full, but please take my word for it , my DH has done nothing wrong and neither have I (apart from being from a poorer background), we both work so hard and always have done...it just seems so wrong to see my DH treated like this.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Wed 03-Aug-11 13:04:52

So - why is she still in your lives?

You do know you don't have to have anything to do with someone just because an accident of birth made them your parent, don't you?

If you and your husband are so unhappy, to the point where your husband is so emotional that he can't sleep - then it's time to change your phone number and kick them out of your life.

PinkSchmoo Wed 03-Aug-11 13:10:14

Magnificent advice from TheMag. Also maybe therapy for him if having her on the phone is enough to give him sleepless nights?

lovemyboysandbeagles Wed 03-Aug-11 13:19:16

My DH said exactly that last night, he is going to tell her to just stay away if / when she gets in touch. She has a habit of writing letters - to me because it is always my fault (?) - when she has a problem.

It wasn't just the fact that she was on the phone giving him the sleepless night, he is stressed anyway, but it just brought back all the emotions that MIL / SIL are causing at the moment...as I said, a lot of 'stuff' has gone on, can't go into it all as it would take forever but I think it is playing on DH's mind more than he is letting on. I know (or think I know) because I had issues all my life, until recently, with my parents and ended up at counselling because it was eating away at me when I was pretending I wasn't bothered. That is all behind us now and I am on speaking terms with all my family. It just seems that everything has gone full circle. My DH won't go to counselling, not unless he absolutely has to (ie nervous breakdown or something).

Thanks for the advice though it helps to hear other opinions and just get it off your chest.

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Aug-11 13:23:59

If she writes to you, I hope you write back. Make sure you say nothing that she can deny. Just facts, plain and simple.

ShoutyHamster Wed 03-Aug-11 13:30:43

Fabulous advice from other posts here.

If your DH doesn't like the idea of counselling, why not try a wee bit of self-help here?

Both of you sit down together with a pen and paper.

Draw a circle, and put your names and those of your DSs in the circle.
Then list all the other people you love best in the world. Sprinkle their names around the circle. Friends, family, doesn't matter.

The circle is YOUR FAMILY. Your precious little nest of birdies.

Around it are the people YOU CHOOSE to have in your life.

And... that's it.

Sit back with a cuppa or a nice glass of your chosen tipple and the pair of you reflect for a wee bit on the circle you have built.

This is your life. No-one can shake it unless you choose to let them.

I know it doesn't magically change the hassle and nastiness of having people like your MIL and SIL there, on the sidelines.

But you CAN choose to unhook that little anchor and the lot of you, your family and your circle, just drift away from them.

Tear up a letter.
Put down the phone.
Don't respond to texts.
Choose your engagement. If it makes you feel better, yes, write a letter. 'You bring us nothing but stress, we are choosing from now on to move on with our lives without that stress. Please stop contacting us, we don't want to be in touch.'
'We don't want to 'apologise' to SIL because we don't want to be in touch.'
'We don't want to make up because we've decided we're happier not being in touch.'
Whatever.

Tell your DH, life's TOO SHORT - too short for him to let folk that you DON'T CHOOSE and DON'T RATE spoil parts of it. Urge him to get some counselling because it will really help with this process of disengagement. It's not about not being able to cope. It's about employing someone to teach you to re-train your brain to deal with this unusual situation. Perfectly logical and practical.

lovemyboysandbeagles Wed 03-Aug-11 13:44:15

Thank you so much smile

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