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To call time on this 15 year friendship

(29 Posts)
simplicity2000 Tue 02-Aug-11 16:01:36

Back story - the usual, best friends in our early twenties, did everything together, lots of crazy evenings out, also including a very sobering not so nice experience which I got her through and was there for her, propping her up throughout.

She then moved to Oz with her now husband, we (DH and me) went out there twice, friendship still good. Despite the distance was always like yesterday when we did see each other again.

They had children and moved back here to our home town when her second was 2yrs. She had her second a matter of days before me having my first. So when she came back we saw each other a few times but not as much as i thought we would have having been so close prior. we spoke more when she was in Oz than we do now she is 15 mins around the corner!

Have started to think this way after her completely forgetting my b'day, forgetting my dd b'day despite us inviting both her children to her party 2 weeks prior which they turned down and has now forgotton my ds's 1st b'day. I appreciate others birthdays are not the priority in peoples lives but when it comes to us as friends we have never forgotton.

I don't think its a time issue as she is a SAHM with both children in school.

So the next time she sends the usual "whats new" 6 monthly text do I ignore and call time, as close as we were we have never done confrontation with each other. I feel these types of texts are just her being nosey rather than actual caring.

Imnotaslimjim Tue 02-Aug-11 16:05:24

I wouldn't. As a mum of 2 young children, I can say hand on heart, that life does get in the way! I'm terrible at dates and birthdays, and for keeping in touch with friends. But I have a few that I know when I do remember to call them up, the friendship is as strong as ever

And stop texting - ring her, or go and see her! Texts are so impersonal

nickelbabe Tue 02-Aug-11 16:07:54

i wouldn't either.

i have loads of friends that i rarely see or talk to, because life gets in the way,.
but they're the same way, i hardly hear from them either!
but i don't hold it against them, because sometimes they will contact me, or i'll contact them, out of the blue.
and it's like it was yesterday i last spoke to them.

that's what classifies a real friend.

pictish Tue 02-Aug-11 16:08:03

I agree. I'm SHIT at giving a toss about birthdays beyond those of my own children. I certainly don't expect anyone to give a monkeys about my kids birthdays either.

I don't think it's at all a good reason to dump and old friend. what? Sorry. x

BluddyMoFo Tue 02-Aug-11 16:08:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag Tue 02-Aug-11 16:09:18

It's so easy to let some things slip when you have DC, I was always on top of birthdays and Ch******s in the past, but it's all gone to pot over the last few years.

I hope nobody holds it against me or thinks I don't care, it's just they've shifted to a lower priority.

What you've described doesn't sound too bad, I would say to just keep your hand in with her as a friend because things will calm down and you might have more time for each other in the near future?

pictish Tue 02-Aug-11 16:11:02

Life DOES get in the way!

Some people are really good at remembering birthdays and keeping in touch, and sending cards and gifts.....I think it's actually an enviable trait....but alas I am not one of those people....I am distracted and busy and don't place much importance to special dates. I'm crap that way.

Allinabinbag Tue 02-Aug-11 16:11:13

I don't remember any of the dates of my friend's children's birthdays and few of them send cards to mine. I don't mind that at all, I think of friendships more about the friendship I have with them, I love it if they want to get involved with the children too, but for me, it's the adult relationship which marks true friends out. I would call her, go out for a girly night out, forget children's birthday parties or at least don't get hung up if they can't come. I don't prioritise sending cards, but I'm always on the end of the telephone.

simplicity2000 Tue 02-Aug-11 16:11:44

I appreciate life gets in the way, I now have 3 under 4 myself! and I didn't mean to imply I was dumping based on forgotton birthday grounds!! no, just that it seems a little false now and I am sick of making all the effort of calling and sending texts - the birthday thing was just an added extra.

I jus thought, especially with 2 children in school and 5 days a week at home in term time she may have had the time and possibly wanted to meet up for a half hour coffee considering the distance that is now between us.

pictish Tue 02-Aug-11 16:12:54

I ditched doing Christmas cards years ago for example - what a pain in the arse they are!

YouDoTheMath Tue 02-Aug-11 16:18:54

I think you should meet with her and tell her how you feel, rather than just ignoring her next text and calling off the friendship that way. It seems a bit petty.

My best friend and I of 23 years don't have that much communication these days - we see each other every few months, and text/ring about the same - but it's always great when we do meet up and like we saw each other yesterday.

On the other hand, I met someone through a mother and baby group who gets really arsey if she doesn't hear from me for a couple of weeks, which I find really irritating and high maintenance.

simplicity2000 Tue 02-Aug-11 16:19:52

bluddymofo - we've never been joined at the hip! as I am not with many of my other friends. But as life is too short I just thought every once in a while it would have been nice to have a catch up with "friends" not weekly or even monthly but more than 3 times in nearly 3 years!

farnywarny Tue 02-Aug-11 16:19:56

I could probably BE the friend you are referring to. I am TERRIBLE at keeping in touch, don't even remember my godsons birthday either!!

Mums, sahm or working are always going to be busy......

pictish Tue 02-Aug-11 16:21:17

I had a pal like that Youdothemath - she was determined we should meet up regularly once a week, on a Wednesday, and if I had other plans she would act all wounded.

She didn't last long.

pictish Tue 02-Aug-11 16:22:21

Not that I'm saying you are like that OP!! Just rambling an asides....

simplicity2000 Tue 02-Aug-11 16:24:30

I think you're right youdothemath it does sound petty written down! i wouldn't know what to say to her without sounding high maintenance and stalkerish!! but I think I just expected we would have seen each other a tad more often than literally once a year. I don't really think i do really need to call time but to type a response to a text explaining what's gone on in my life in the last 6 months when she is only around the corner seems really false! (she never answers her phone btw- is a big texter)

simplicity2000 Tue 02-Aug-11 16:29:14

smile pictish! I am so the opposite of that when it comes to "mum friends" i.e friends I have met by just having kids. I admit I struggle committing to them for the sheer effort you have to put in. I guess thats why I would have liked a little more from this friend as we have a whole host of other stuff in common bar kids and its just easy when we were/are together.

Catslikehats Tue 02-Aug-11 16:30:02

I barely remember my niece's and nephew's birthdays (and there is only one of each blush ) couldn't tell you when any of my friends DC's birthdays are, that is not to say I never celebrate them they are just not my priority and I am a SAHM with plenty of time on her hands (natch).

Do you know why she decided to come back to the UK - it is a big move to make from Oz which is generally considered to be a forever move. Has she got some troubles in her life?

TBH you are adults with your own families, sometimes relationships drift. No big deal.

petaluma Tue 02-Aug-11 16:34:05

I had a similar experience with a mate of mine. I sent her a fairly innocuous facebook message but included things like 'life is so busy but it's sad we don't meet as much as I'd hoped' etc. She replied very honestly and said she was struggling with some issues in her life that I knew nothing about, and found it hard to talk to me as she felt we'd drifted apart a little since being away from each other for so long. There were things I'd done wrong which I hadn't any idea about.

We met up for a kid free evening and things are back on track. We both realised that our lives had moved on a bit but to retain that closeness, we don't need to live in each others' pockets. We agreed to make more time for each other and although I don't see her all the time, we try to meet up once a week with the kids and once a month for drinks/meal out.

Don't throw a friendship away just because of the reasons in your OP. If you value your friendship, you should at least tell her how you feel - you do owe her that. If, after that, you don't think she's responded in the right way, then that maybe the time to walk away.

YouDoTheMath Tue 02-Aug-11 16:34:05

Hmmm pictish - I'm trying to bin this one off but she's very persistent! I know it sounds mean but all my friends have always been the relaxed types, as am I, so I don't take kindly to being bombarded with meeting requests and then confronted about why I don't answer my phone!

simplicity2000 hope you don't think I was being rude - just don't waste the 15 years, I think one day you would regret it.

You could just say something along the lines of "Isn't it strange how we talk less now than when you were in Oz?!" (i.e. as if you really do think it's funny). Bear in mind that when someone/something's on your doorstep, it's often easy to forget to make the effort because you take it for granted.

As for being a texter, well, some people are. I fall into that category I'm afraid. I get really stilted on the phone and prefer the conciseness of a text.

But in this case, I think you should meet up for lunch/a drink and get chatting. smile

YouDoTheMath Tue 02-Aug-11 16:35:40

That's really nice *petaluma" smile Postive outcome, and all that.

YouDoTheMath Tue 02-Aug-11 16:35:57

Whoops, wrong punctuation!

petaluma Tue 02-Aug-11 16:39:44

Ha, yes. It's about the only time I've been grown up about something though grin

yesdear1001 Tue 02-Aug-11 16:43:43

It does seem a shame to let go of the friendship. Why don't you text her and arrange to do something fun together?

You could invite her and her family round for a meal or a bbq? The DHs get on I assume?

Or go for a picnic with the kids in the day?

Or simply organise an escape for an evening and hit the town just the two of you?

Family life does take over but you just need to try and make the effort to find time to have a chat with her. Good luck!

simplicity2000 Tue 02-Aug-11 16:54:57

God no not at all you dothemath! and yeah the Oz line sounds like a good one and doesn't make me sound desperate which i am soooo not! My OP about the birthdays was meant in a "she forgot and doesn't ever" sad kind of way rather than a "right that's it, how dare she" angry kind of way!

Petuluma, thanks its good to read a similar situation and then the outcome

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