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Should I bring this up with DH or not?

(26 Posts)
lettingitallgonow Tue 02-Aug-11 12:56:25

I'm a name changer grin

About a year ago my DH had an affair, we've been working on our relationship and things are getting better, well actually we are happier than we've been in ages and I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm posting in AIBU as I'd really like some opinions on, if I should talk to my DH about this or not?

So here goes.... When I found out about his affair we had some frank conversations and I thought I got most of the details, I went through the hurt, anger, etc etc but he's never been the 'talking about emotions type of guy' so although I got a lot of details I've always been left thinking he didn't tell me all, this is partly my fault as I'm not the type of person to push stuff (i'm getting better since then).

We've spoken about the details of the affair on and off now since it happened, and about 2 months ago I found out he'd been around to her house a few times whilst her DH was away, he admited this following a bit of a row we had, but is still adamant he didn't sleep with her.

During the 4 month affair I stayed with my Mum for a few weekends with DC, he worked a few nights, went on training courses and stayed in hotels, went out in the car on evening, general 'run of the mill - life stuff'. But the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced he'd seen her more than he admits to, and quite possibily 'has' slept with her. I now think that everytime he worked nights, or did go out or I wasn't there that he was seeing her - I think i'm getting a bit 'nutty' about it all confused

This continues to go round and round and round in my head and won't go away and is making me feel really shitty!!

So, AIBU to sit down with him, 12 months down the line and ask him if he did indeed see her more than he's admited to, or should I just simply let it go? Am I just digging up old ground or will it help me?

lettingitallgonow Tue 02-Aug-11 12:57:39

I've just re-read and want to make it clear the affair is over, he finished it all as soon as I found out. The details I've found out since all happened during the affair - god I'm even confusing myself now confused

honeymom Tue 02-Aug-11 12:59:53

If you want to move on you have to let it go. there what if and why's will only keep dragging it back up. I wouldn't have stayed but If I did it would only be knowing I could truly let it go.

thisfantasticvoyage Tue 02-Aug-11 13:00:48

To be clear, has he always maintained he NEVER slept with her? And that it was, hence, an emotional affair?

AgentZigzag Tue 02-Aug-11 13:02:24

I know it's driving you round the bend, but how would this information make you feel any better?

And that's what's important now when you're getting yourself and your marriage back together.

I would let it go.

It's not a nice situation for you to be in, but it's like you want to keep jabbing at it until it doesn't hurt any more.

The only way (IMO) for the hurt to go away is to stop making new memories about it by going over it in your head, easy for me to say of course.

Go easy on yourself smile

GentlemanGin Tue 02-Aug-11 13:03:15

won't help you at all IMO, you need to forgive ( difficult ) and move on.

lettingitallgonow Tue 02-Aug-11 13:05:27

thisfantasticvoyage

yes he's always maintained it was never physical, as in an emotional affair, I know they met up, went for coffee, and now I know they've seen each other in her house whilst her DH was at work but he's always said it was emotional, more text messages, phone calls etc.

Allinabinbag Tue 02-Aug-11 13:06:07

I would post this in Relationships as there are lots of people on that board who know a lot about recovering from an affair. I think it will eat away at you not knowing, I also think the chances of him having been over to her house a few nights and him not having slept with her are nil. I think it will eat at you til you know the truth, because you can't move on when you don't know what you are moving on from.

thisfantasticvoyage Tue 02-Aug-11 13:06:08

I can see the OP's viewpoint here. If something like this has happend you DO want to know everything. Only by doing so do you get some semblence of control over the situation. If it were me I would want to know all the gory details - and then look to move on.

lettingitallgonow Tue 02-Aug-11 13:06:49

thanks guys, this is what I needed to hear I think. I do keep jabbing away at it in my head. Some times I can go for days and won't think of it, then something will set me off and it's in my head, constantly asking questions sad sometimes I wish I could switch my head off.

buggerlugs82 Tue 02-Aug-11 13:08:21

Hello.

Been there, done that.

If he tells you he slept with her, you'll then drive yourself crazy wanting to know the intimate details, how many times, what protection did they use, any thing else except penatration etc etc.

My advice would be to let it go, easier said than done i know. If you have forgiven him it won't do you any good if you don't.

I havent and probably will never forget. i've whole heartedly forgiven, but not forgotten. I don't see how you can forget. I have moved on though and accepted what happened.

northerngirl41 Tue 02-Aug-11 13:09:51

Let's say he suddenly admits: "Yes, I did see her more than I told you, because I knew you'd react like this..." but that it's all over and has been since you found out.

He's lied to you about the affair anyway - and he's admitted and apologised for it. There's not much he can say except for sorry and to hope that you forgive him.

I think you need to think about whether or not you really can forgive him for this. It's a massive ask and you seem to have done your utmost to try, which I think is a very brave and admirable thing.

Has he done everything you agreed since finding out (like not seeing her, spending more time with you etc.)? Is it healthy to bring all this up again when essentially nothing has changed?

Let's say that 2 months down the line you realise he wore a shirt you bought him for his anniversary to see her... Or that he's been to one of your favourite restaurants with her... There's probably a million things he's not told you about the affair, but I don't see how knowing an of that stuff is going to make it easier to forgive him (if that's what you intend to do).

lettingitallgonow Tue 02-Aug-11 13:10:36

Thanks Buggerlugs82, I hadn't thought of that, I guess the more I find out the more new questions will pop up.

I've just got a feeling that if I keep bringing it up, it'll stop me moving on, 12 months seems like a long time but it feels like yesterday.

thisfantasticvoyage Tue 02-Aug-11 13:11:30

Well maybe not SUCH detail Buggerlugs but if he has slept with her, you would surely want to know that - otherwise, how can you begin to deal with it? And, tbf, going round to somebody's house while the husband is away does not bode well on that front.

justpaddling Tue 02-Aug-11 13:11:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zoonose Tue 02-Aug-11 13:14:23

If it was me, I would need to know the truth. If I didn't feel that I did know the truth, I could not move on. My DH did something similar, about a year ago, and I have asked him over and over if there was more to it ie sex or more than a moment's kiss on the lips (the extent he claims the physical contact to be - there was a short EA as well though), doubts would resurface after a period of being OK with it and believing him, or I would think back to something that had been said that didn't fit and ask him. He did the right thing and always reassured me, and I do believe him - but then I also know my DH and knowing things that have happened in his life before I am pretty sure he could not continue to be normal with me if he had had sex with someone else. He and OW were only in the same country for a week too, so it is easy for me to know the only times anything could have happened. I think I am getting to the point now where I don't need to ask more questions and I do believe him, but it has taken me some time and with him being open to talking about it. So, in a long-winded way, I think you probably need to feel sure that you know the truth, and it is so much harder to feel sure about that when your faith in your DH has been broken, so you are not starting from a trusting viewpoint, if you see what I mean, it takes a great deal more for you to trust that he is telling the truth than say if he had lied about eating the last banana or something. Rambling, sorry! ... I think you need to tell him you need to know the whole truth to be able to move on and that he owes it to you as your husband to give you the truth so you can move on.

buggerlugs82 Tue 02-Aug-11 13:19:18

Why don't you find a night in your diary where you are both free to have a nice tea and sit and talk about it. Tell him its honesty night and you need him to answer anything you ask and that after that night you won't bring it up again.

Pre warn him that you want some answers but that you won't argue or become angry, you simply need to know some things.

I'd suggest writing down your questions before hand so you can be sure what you want to ask.

Good luck. Keep us posted x

SayItLoud Tue 02-Aug-11 13:20:01

If it were me, I'd definitely want to know. I would also want to know that he hadn't been lying to me since, IFKWIM, so that I could go forward in the relationship confident that they were no secrets, no lies.

If he is telling you the truth about the lack of sex, which does seem unlikely on the surface, then he should be happy to allay your fears by talking it through with you.

I also feel that really the onus is on him to deal with his 'not being a talking about emotions kind of guy' thing - he had an affair, so he doesn't get to choose whether he talks about it, he should be doing everything possible to make you feel better including going over it if that's what you want.

I would be asking for all the info, for sure, and making sure his facts added up, no gaps, no confusion, in order for me to even consider trusting again.

lettingitallgonow Tue 02-Aug-11 13:21:45

Thanks again for the replies, I do appreciate it and, if nothing else, I feel better for having put a voice to the voices in my head.

When I found out he'd been around to her house (when he'd told me he'd been out on his bike), because I had a feeling something wasn't right about that night and he'd denyed it, as soon as he admited it, I felt better. Not about him, but because I could almost put that bit to bed - does that make sense.

I know my marrige is far from recovered but I do love him, he's done everything I've asked since and there is hope (I sound like a right love sick puppy arghhhh) but this is eating away at me and because I've had no one to bounce this off, it's driving me a little bonkers! But I also appreciate that at some point I'm going to have to forgive him, and stop asking all the questions and maybe that time is now - I'm just not sure I'm ready to let go of it just yet.

Zoonose Tue 02-Aug-11 13:22:08

Most other posters seem to see it differently. I agree you need to know what you feel you can forgive him for. I lurked on relationships here for a long time after what happened with my DH and know that I could not forgive anything more than what happened (I don't think I have forgiven it yet anyway) and he knows if it had been more, or if anything like it happened again, that would be it. He is my best friend in the world and I could not get over such a betrayal by him - I would have to divorce him to have a chance of enjoying the rest of my life. But it is different for different people, and I know people on here do move on when there has been an affair.

CrispyHedgehog Tue 02-Aug-11 13:24:24

I'm in the same boat as you OP, what I'm finding now is that I'm not so much bothered about the affair as the lies and behaviour that surrounded it.

I find myself questioning everything he says and does now, because I know how easy he found it to lie to me when it suited him. I also remember how nasty he was at times.

Now I find myself in the situation where I don't want to dredge it all up again so I withdraw and I'm becoming quieter and quieter and somehow shrunken as a person because of it. To be fair, he's trying very hard to make me happy but it's just not working.

I am having counselling and have been since February but it seems to be either not very effective or it's a very long process, I dunno.

I can't really advise but I can say that I wish I'd been more probing and talked a lot more at the time, it just feels too late now for us sad

Anifrangapani Tue 02-Aug-11 13:24:34

If he had admitted to sleeping with her when you found out would you have still stayed with him?

When my dh had an affair I did stay with him - I assumed that he was a lying cheat and I would never find out all the details of the affair. It was the betrayal of trust which caused the damage, not the details. Therefore becuase my decision to stay with him was not based on what they did together in the past but on how he would treat me in the future it did not matter what they had got up to.

Catslikehats Tue 02-Aug-11 13:26:38

I haven't been in your position but surely if you want to move on you need to know what it is that you are moving on from?

If my DH had an affair, I might forgive him, however I woul expect full and frank disclosure. If I later found out he had lied I would find that unforgivable.

I don't see how you can possibly move on in your relationship if you suspect that he has lied to you and lets face it there is no way he has visited her house and not had sex with her. Sorry sad

As for whether it is "appropriate" to bring this up 12mths after the event I think you have every right as the injured party to ask whatever you need to satisfy yourself that he is worth sticking around for. He should be falling over himself to work this out.

springydaffs Tue 02-Aug-11 13:28:36

I wholeheartedly agree with zoonose and binbag - you need to know the whole truth. the more I think about it, the more I think that withholding the truth from someone is one of the worst things you can do to them. I don't care if he's not the type to talk about his feelings - he had an affair (which he claims wasn't physical??) so he#s got to talk about it. I don't see how you can move on if you don't know what you're moving on from. oh, somebody already said that.

lettingitallgonow Tue 02-Aug-11 13:44:23

I've asked myself the question around, would I feel differently if he had slept with her, and I honestly don't know. It's the whole devious nature of the affair, the lying and total disregard for me and our DC that bothers me more than they physical stuff.

I'd often said I'd rather have found out he'd had a drunken one night shag rather than the pre-meditated lying and nothing physical

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